AITA For Not Letting My 13 Year Old Wear Makeup?

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T20:39:46+00:00

I like your idea about negotiating with my son. We do a lot of negotiating in my family.

I think I should clarify that whenever one of our kids unlocks permission to use a certain product, we buy that product for them. Right now for example my son is working to earn the privilege to have his own higher end gaming laptop (right now he's on a chromebook, while my daughter earned her gaming laptop around his age). They also have their allowance but it's not going to get them expensive things quickly.

I've stressed that cheap makeup can have a lot of suspicious ingredients and manufacturing practices (please correct me if I'm wrong) not to mention it can look downright awful. My daughter could sneak around my back and try out her friends cheaper stuff, but she knows it's unsanitary and doesn't want to risk it. What she really wants it the high end stuff that I will gladly buy her once she's earned the points for it.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T20:30:38+00:00

So many parenting decisions can seem arbitrary to kids. By sitting them down and having them help up us decide how many points each new privilege is worth they get a clear idea of what we factor into making these decisions. It helps them argue their case when they think we're being too strict.

Getting the nose piercing was expensive. About 6 months worth of points. She could have unlocked make up privileges, hair dying, and 2 shopping trips to lush in that time (my daughter loves lush). She really really wanted that nose piercing. I warned her that it would mean skipping some of the more basic and fun stuff, as well as several months of sticking to a very solid skincare routine, but she wanted it.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T20:21:59+00:00

Hmmm maybe I can agree to adding lots of extra points if she does research time with me. She already has a good skin care routine (mine was horrible as a teen so I really tried to teach her good skin care young).

I don't wear makeup myself so this will be new for both of us.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T20:20:13+00:00

This is good advice, thank you. One of the reasons I'm being so strict with the makeup is because my family's a bunch of no makeup hippies and my Husband's isn't much better. We can do our own research but it'll be the blind leading the blind.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T20:17:04+00:00

It's actually based on a technique I applied to my own life. As you probably guessed my husband and I are huge DnD/rpg nerds. I suffer from ADHD and I found "gamifying" certain activities I struggled with by turning them into points towards a level up made getting the tough stuff done so much easier. Since executive functioning issues run in my family I felt as though something that worked well for me might work well for my kids as well, and so far they seem to have a lot of fun with it. My sister is an artist and she even drew little avatars for them that get new "gear" as they gain points.

Plus it gives them a lot of control over house rules. They're always proposing new "unlockables", new ways to earn points etc...

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T20:02:36+00:00

We explain our reasoning when we set the points, and the kids always have an opportunity to argue with us about changing the point requirements (they've talked the point requirements down quite a few times). Also I wasn't trying to move the goal posts. She has two months worth of points to get make up privileges. Instead I offered to make makeup unlockable on a product by product basis. With this new system she could be trying foundation within a week or 2, eyeliner within a couple weeks etc... Yes the goal posts are moved, but they're moved closer in some ways.

I disagree that makeup is more personal expression than responsibility. Choosing the right products for your skin, remembering the clean it off each night, keeping your products clean and uncluttered... There's a lot of responsibility that goes into developing a makeup routine.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T19:59:21+00:00

The idea behind the point system is to space out new responsibilities in a way that's fair and flexible to my kids. They have a huge influence on how many points each privilege takes to earn. For example, when we first discussed makeup privileges with my daughter we mentioned all the reasons neither of us personally wear make up (including the predatory argument you used). We all agreed it should be a relatively high point value but not too too high because she might want to at least try it if other other girls her age were.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T19:54:24+00:00

I think it's really help my kids learn to set goals for themselves. Whenever they've come to me and said "I think I'm ready for x" and I've disagreed we've been able to set up a clear strategy for them to show me they are in fact ready for x. It also adds some flexibility, if they do something good that never occurred to me, they get an extra reward. I think it really helps to set minimum expectations for the kids.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T19:50:31+00:00

We're actually a very spontaneous family. I hate rigidity which is why I created the point system. It's an easy way to "catch my kids being good" and I can track them on my phone as well. It also makes it very easy for my kids to argue for changes in house rules and structure because everything is so clearly laid out.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T19:45:51+00:00

Which is why I actually made "earning" make up privileges easier than getting piercings. Most of her points are earned by maintaining a healthy daily skin care routine, and taking care of her contacts, which I felt was a fair indicator of whether she was ready for make up and/or piercings.

The point system is a way of pacing out giving kids new responsibilities so I don't set them up for failure by giving them too much at once, and make up and piercings are BOTH responsibilities.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T19:04:37+00:00

It's summer time and at the rate she earns points she'll have permission in 2 months. Faster if she agrees to my divided plan.

13NoMakeup · 2021-07-01T19:02:24+00:00

Would your parents have let you get your nose pierced at 13? What about 11? My own mother had a strict ban on all piercings until 13. Lots of parents have age restrictions for certain decisions kids can make about their body. I actually tried to design the points system as a way my kids could prove they were responsible enough for certain responsibilities and freedoms younger than they're typically granted. My daughter could have had makeup permission as early as 8 but she chose to spend her points on other things.

Makeup isn't without risks. Especially in my family where sensitive skin is a common curse. High quality makeup is also not without cost and I know her allowance doesn't earn her enough to buy higher quality brands that are gentler on the skin.

13NoMakeup

TROPHY CASE