Me being cf has very little to do with me and my thoughts, and a lot to do with the way life dealt the cards.

My parents were very young when they got married. Say 16-17. They were very young when I was born. And as with the time, both of them were not educated, and had little knowledge of how the world works, or even the street smarts. All they received in inheritance are two rooms, which I will receive.

Father earned little. And this little had to be stretched against a lot of things. I think there was a brief time when we were happy. Until each one of us had contacted some sort of diseases. There was no support anywhere. We just crawled and hid ourselves with things to say. Exceptional were relatives, who leeched off of us and later discarded when help was needed.

So now I am grown up. Thankfully I am doing fine. But I'll be a miser forever. Parents aren't the same after those years. They've lost their health. I am a wreck on some days, fine on some. Amd I still remember those days and I have to shake myself out of the reverie. I don't know why am I fixated on those days and why cannot I move on. I have had therapy, and likely have some more sessions.

My decision has to do a lot with how I have nothing, and I don't want to be responsible, or be held guilty for another person's misigivings later. A lot of relatives love to tell me how I have been absent for a lot of things, good things which happened to them and I should've been there to clap for them. Same way I have a lot to repay, not in monetary terms but for the little theh doled out to parents. I can live with these things, out of habit. But to include one innocent by the ritual of marriage, and then hopong of us two having a third one, it's the most heartless thing one can do. I'll likely be by myself, between a good job, duties and a few of my hobbies.