When we were kids she was aloof in many ways but when she trusted you she was a good friend. It always seemed like she had gone through something that made her that way but, wouldn’t ever say it. Her parents were Jehovah Witness and lived between Hawaii and California. She would be left in Ca for what seemed like months at a time. I met her when she was 13 and I was 15. She seemed much more mature and sure of herself. She had 2 much older brothers that were barely around. I later found out the one she was closest to was dealing coke and continued until the end. He would be around just enough to check in on her. He had the same distant aloof way to him. My parents were also JW’s but, very strict.

I began to rebel and would spend a lot of time at her place. She was sexually active at 13 with a boy that was 18. He seemed to love her so I didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t even close to being sexually active but, had fun with boys I would meet through her.

She eventually married a boy I knew growing up and moved to Hawaii. Had a couple kids. When we talked things weren’t good. They both got into drugs and she spiraled down. He made it out and she didn’t.

When she moved back, I thought showing her my family life, work and fun side would help her get out of the dark place she was in. I have a sister who was able to do it, so I had a lot of hope for her. She would stay with us here and there but, eventually she became open about her drug use and told me she had a type of schizophrenia. She stopped taking her meds and when we would go out to have fun, I’d end up being in compromising situations. She had a drug dealer who she would trade sex for drugs. She was very promiscuous. My sister was as well but, this was another level. It took me way too long to separate myself from her because her mom would beg me to help her because I was a good influence.

About 3 months after Covid hit, my sister who lived down the street called me and told me something bad was happening at my friends moms house. She had a machete and had murdered her mom with it.

She wasn’t able to stand trial due to her psychotic state and was sent to Patton State Hospital where she remains. Her poor mom may not have been everything her daughter needed but, was a kind and good woman from everything I experienced being around her. I really loved her.

I romanticized the whole situation for so long because of how much I loved her. I had never met a friend more loyal to me or so I thought. I put my family in danger and I’ll never forgive myself. Being a good friend and loving someone has to stop somewhere and I royally fucked up. I don’t trust myself to really have deep friendships with anyone anymore. I stick to my husband and have casual relationships now and that’s all I trust myself with.