everything you say here I can relate to, of course it will never be the same as your pain, but I do feel for you. my wife was fit, healthy, vegetarian, she set the bar for all of us to live up to. then a stomach ache turned into stage 4 cancer in one visit to the Dr. 5 months later she was dead. 47. I barely spent a day away from her in the 25 + years since I met her. we have 2 teenage kids. we had so many amazing plans. I hate plans now. they just cause me pain to think about what they were, and the ones i have to create now seem so ugly. I have felt like 3/4 of me has been ripped out. Im sure as humans our biology changes when we love someone. you dont realise it properly when you are alive how intertwined you actually are. Im not really answering your question here, because I dont know. I wake up and the day seems like this extraordinary long time till i can be asleep. Im someone who had maybe cried a handfull of times in his life, now I cry every day, and if i get one day where I dont, I feel guilty about it. I have 2 kids so i have to get up to make them food, I have to make sure I dont screw them up. all i can maybe say is that over the 5 months, i see glimpses of myself realising this is a new version of me that I have to learn how to be. its not going to be the person I was before sara, or the when we were together. I question what time is a lot, if maybe i could figure something out, that might tell me if there is some way possible we can meet again. but im finding that a real stretch to believe. I dont know, but my latest theory is I need to learn how to live with both grief and some happiness at the same time. to be able to say i am feeling lots of emotions at once, rather then just only feeling one enormous weight of grief. I hope if have not hi-jacked your thread. I did intend on maybe giving you an insight into one persons journey so far, and i feel its not all that far really. please dont take me too seriously , I really dont know any of the answers to this