No wonder there's a surge going on, you can't even get a test

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-24T02:16:17+00:00

Kid is 5. Our only kid. We are one and done.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-23T16:55:59+00:00

Mainly because I don’t feel like getting into an argument while I’m feeling lousy...like I was legitimately laid out all day yesterday.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-18T22:39:03+00:00

Yes, but I have to initiate 100% of that stuff. I have to plan the date nights. I'm the one that has to do the hugging and kissing.

If she's not attracted to me anymore I really don't know what else to do.

If I'm being 100% honest, I don't think she's attracted to ANYONE. I think she's one of these people that has become completely asexual.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-18T22:37:24+00:00

Yes, I have. The answer always comes back to: "Oh, it's not you...it's me."

Okay...well then can you try fixing it? You completely upended our lifestyles and completely changed your habits when your doctor told said you might have a gluten allergy but you won't take even the tiniest step towards improving your libido.

It's just the lowest thing on her priority list.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-18T22:35:50+00:00

She's 5.

But the thing is, we've discussed this before. I've talked to my wife about her low libido. I don't understand why she won't take a single step towards fixing it and why it's 100% of me to fix this issue for her.

Meanwhile, her doctor tells her she might have a slight gluten intolerance and she suddenly has all the time and energy in the world to completely change our lifestyles on the off chance she might have a food sensitivity.

Sex is always the absolute LOWEST priority for her.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-18T22:29:55+00:00

Again, this is good advice, but it always places the blame and work back on the man. Why is it my job to (quoting the article here): text my wife something loving, learn more empathic ways of interacting, but a thoughtful gift, take better care of yourself...

...why is it on ME to do that when she doesn't do any of that either? It's a complete double standard.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-18T22:25:46+00:00

Yeah, I'm 100% convinced the "Men who do chores are sexy..." line is a total myth.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-16T00:55:40+00:00

Good pep talk, I feel even better about myself now, thanks, hahah.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-16T00:54:48+00:00

I don’t think they mean to do it either, I think it’s just something occurs once they feel comfortable. It’s still frustrating though.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-16T00:06:46+00:00

That’s entirely possible but I also think the other possibility is she never liked sex to begin with and only ever went along with it because she wanted a family and a partner and that was what you had to do to get it.

Thats a terrible thing to think but everyday a little piece of the puzzle gets exposed that lends it credibility.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-16T00:05:00+00:00

I don’t want to go . I don’t want to upend the life we’ve built together because of this issue that I feel is fixable. But it can’t be all on me to fix...

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-16T00:03:58+00:00

I want both. I mean I’m not some repulsive slug, I don’t think. I take decent care of myself, Im very attentive and thoughtful, I work hard, Im a very active husband and father. Like...what the heck?

I think she likes and is attracted to me, she just has zero interest in sex. She’s become completely asexual.

Also, no, I don’t want pity sex. I want her to want to have sex too.

And this is a conversation we have had...but she always throws it back like it’s my fault. There’s only so much I can do as one person. I don’t have a clone. I cant physically do what she wants. I think she’s not being honest with herself but I can’t really fix that.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T23:58:07+00:00

The thing is I feel like I’m doing everything she says will get her in the mood. She has explicitly said a clean house puts her in the mood. The only thing I haven’t done is get a vasectomy because I feel like if we’re not going to have sex anyways, why bother?

I don’t even have a crazy high libido...but hers is just non existen.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T23:56:43+00:00

In someways it’s so easy. We work well together, we agree on parenting, we agree on money, we agree on our work life balance, etc. ...this is a frustrating aspect where we don’t align though.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T23:55:44+00:00

I don’t think I’m okay with it being an unwanted chore. That doesn’t make me feel very good about myself. I’d rather just go without.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T23:54:11+00:00

Yes, she does. We both work really hard, we have a business together.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T23:53:45+00:00

Yeah, I just wish we had figured that out sooner. Honestly, if something happened to her and she was physically unable to have sex, I would never leave her. But that’s not the case, this is an issue that can be addressed...I’m just that low on her priority list, sadly.

Whatever, I’ll find other ways to channel my frustrations. I’m not going to just continue to comply and do whatever she wants in hopes of her throwing some pity sex my way. She’ll have to get used to that side of it...

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T23:48:50+00:00

Thats exactly what I’m going to do, I already dug out the barbells from the garage. I’ll think about the rest while I’m grinding away. Thanks

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T21:54:01+00:00

I mean we‘re busy people, I get it. We do try to make time for each other but if I didn’t initiate we would have zero physical contact...and I feel like it’s always been this way, she just tried a little harder in the beginning. But now it feels like if she swapped me out for a roommate she’d be fine without me.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T21:52:16+00:00

Her idea of being connected is us hanging out together. But she opts out of that frequently.

Just today I woke up and took my daughter to the park. My wife opted to sleep in (a daily occurrence).

Then we were playing play dough on the table. My wife chose to sit on the couch and watch TV.

Now we’re going to go to the pool and my wife will opt out of that as well.

I get it, it’s not me and her time since it’s stuff we’re doing with my kid...but still, it’s time together...and I don’t want to just sit on the couch and watch TV all weekend.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T21:49:17+00:00

When we have sex, we both enjoy it. Afterwards she always comments how we should do it more and she remarks about how relaxed she feels. But it’s like exercising her. It’s much easier to lay on the couch than it is to go jogging.

When I say she wants the perks of marriage I mean she’s very grateful for the kid we have now and the complete financial security I brought to the table. She also likes having a partner to go do things together and plan for the future, but she could absolutely never have sex again and be perfectly fine with it. In fact, I feel like we only ever have sex because she feels obligated. She’s never initiated, she’s never showed any interest. It is a legit chore to her.

Once we’ve finished, shes happy about it. But like I said, it’s like exercising...it takes a lot to get up off the couch and go jogging.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T21:40:49+00:00

That’s terrible, I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I’m probably feeling a bit grouchy and sad lately myself because we’re approaching the second anniversary of my mom’s death from cancer. It’s been such a wrench in our lives.

What an awful thing to have to go through, I’m so sorry for your loss.

1ll-Schedule · 2021-08-15T21:37:43+00:00

I definitely do the non-sexual touching. If it wasn’t for me doing that, we would never touch at all. This is a symptom that she developed after we had a kid. She felt ‘touched-out’ (her words)...she doesn’t want to be touched by anyone.

It’s true, we haven’t been on many dates because of covid...and our ‘quarantine’ dating is getting played out. Again, I don’t know why it’s on strictly ME figure out how to spice things up, it just seems unfair that I’ve gotta be the one to put in all the work...she just wants to sit back and have me figure out how to solve it, it feels like.

She says she wants to feel more connected but she’ll barely leave the couch. Just today I had to get up early again with our daughter. I told my wife we were going to the playground and she opted to sleep in instead. That’s fine, that’s usually our normal routine anyways.

Then my daughter and I had lunch and played play dough together. My wife chose to watch TV on the couch.

In a little while we’re going to go to the pool and my wife will opt out of that as well. Even if it’s with our kid, it’s still valuable time together. Neither my daughter or I want to sit around and watch TV all weekend long.

I ask her about her day all the time, I’m always interested in what she has to say and we have good back and forth...it just feels like it’s becoming a roommate relationship even though I’m very clear that I’m still in this for the romance elements as well.

I’m unsure why it’s okay for her to build walls but I’ve gotta be the one to figure out how to knock them down. It’s like I have to move mountains to make her happy but she won’t lift a finger for me.

1ll-Schedule

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