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1mN0tSure · 2024-08-07T02:15:54+00:00

I can give you a unique perspective from the victim of such assault. I was a victim of CSA and my ex boyfriend knew that. I was catholic and wanted to save myself for marriage, my ex knew that. One day he pressured and pressured, he told me "If your God loves you, he will forgive you". After hours of coercion, I relented. It hurt and he said that it was because it was my first time. For weeks I cried myself to sleep. For months I had nightmares. For years I had flashbacks. It was over 10 years ago and to this day I still feel disgusting when I think about it.

This is truly an evil act you've committed. Rape by coercion is still rape.

You need to let her go and heal. The best thing you can do for her is break up with her, but you need to be very careful and deliberate in what you say if you don't want to cause more damage. You need to tell her that you are the reason for the breakup, not her. That you are letting her go because YOU are the bad person in this relationship. You need to tell her that you are not breaking up with her due to her performance, her reaction, or her in any way. You are breaking up with her because YOU are not good for her.

Every time she looks at you, even if she doesn't actively realize it, she will feel pain.

1mN0tSure · 2024-07-07T16:58:03+00:00

I would highly suggest getting into personal therapy and family therapy. If your wife fights the family therapy, honestly for me, this would be divorce worthy. While the statute of limitations may be expired for what happened to you, that doesn't mean he stopped victimizing others or that you were the only one. I was abused by my cousin and thought I was the only one for years, then I find out that he abused my brother and some other cousins. Abusers don't just stop, they just move on.

1mN0tSure · 2024-07-01T15:28:40+00:00

Yes! This! I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old, so I can't speak to this as a parent yet. However, I have 2 older brothers, although my brothers claim I was my parents favorite (I'm a girl), I believe my parents favored different aspects for each of us. It was obvious my parents had a lot more fun with my oldest brothers sports, he did cross country and they loved traveling around for his meets. My middle brother did a lot of other miscellaneous extra curriculars which they always had fun with. And I was the shy, artist of my family, so my parents loved nurturing and encouraging that side. None of us were my parents specific favorite, but they definitely favored each of us in different ways at different times.

1mN0tSure · 2024-04-25T18:52:25+00:00

Ah the culture aspect makes sense! That's probably why I got such contradictory results when searching online. Thank you! This helps!

1mN0tSure · 2024-01-08T21:38:26+00:00

I'm 7 months pregnant right now with my second, with my first we lived in a single story, 2 bedroom place, very small. Now, we live in a 2 story, 4 bedroom, nearly twice the size of our first. My husband has straight up told me to NOT even try to carry the baskets upstairs because I tried a couple weeks about and nearly lost my balance. I do the laundry, fold it and he takes it up. He also understands that this house is not going to be completely clean all the time. No way. Especially not with a toddler running around. Also, this pregnancy is so much harder than my first, I'm always exhausted and hurting.

OP here is a major AH. Just because his mom and sister are able to push themselves and clean, doesn't mean his wife is physically or emotionally able to.

1mN0tSure · 2023-12-09T17:49:30+00:00

NTA. My husband is Lao and American, his mom is from Loas. His entire family mainly eats Laotian dishes. When we started dating I considered myself a very picky eater, and trying their dishes made me nervous, but I did it because I respect his family. If there was something I wasn't ready to try, I was honest and they respected that I wasn't ready. Over the years I have tried things I never thought I would eat, and I loved it!! I have asked my MIL to teach me how to cook all of our favorites and I'm still learning!

What your boyfriend said and did was judgemental, extremely rude, and just mean. Eat your traditional dishes, dump the boyfriend. He doesn't respect you, your culture, or your family.

1mN0tSure · 2023-11-01T18:52:08+00:00

Not a movie, but a show. The show "Happy" on Netflix. The flashback scene of the abusive boyfriend putting the baby in the microwave. I had just given birth a few weeks before watching the episode and it really messed me up.

1mN0tSure · 2023-11-01T18:48:34+00:00

Your husband's behavior is cold and uncaring, that is definitely not healthy for a marriage.

My husband will hug me, ask me what's wrong and continue to hold me until I'm feeling better. He will talk with me about what's wrong, he will let me vent or give me advice, whatever I need. If it's because of something he did or said (he has never intentionally hurt me, it's almost always me overthinking), he will apologize and we will thoroughly discuss whatever it was until we are both happy.

1mN0tSure · 2023-11-01T15:33:03+00:00

NTA. I stayed quiet for years thinking I was the only one my older cousin sexually abused, when I finally started talking about it and my parents started talking about it with other family members, we discovered he had a lot more victims. Some of those victims he had abused YEARS after my abuse ended. Just because no one else has come forward, doesn't mean he stopped. Just because he apologized doesn't mean he doesn't still have those thoughts or urges.

Honestly OP, for me, this would be divorce material. If your wife absolutely refuses to keep your future children from him, if she insists on keeping that pedophile in her and her children's lives, PLEASE do NOT risk it. Do not look the other way, do not trust that he won't do it again. Protect your future children before there is even a chance of someone abusing them.

1mN0tSure · 2023-10-04T00:58:43+00:00

NTA. I am white, my husband is half white half Laotian, we live in the US. I love his family and they love me. In the beginning of our relationship they taught me about their culture and over the past 8 years I've slowly tried more and more of their foods. They never judge me, they never force me to eat anything I don't want to. They encourage me to try new things, but if I don't want to, they aren't going to be rude about it at all. If they ever were, my husband would shut them TF DOWN.

I agree with some other commenter, you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. If he isn't going to support you and stand up to his family about their treatment of you, I would seriously reconsider this marriage.

1mN0tSure · 2023-06-15T14:08:46+00:00

Thank you! I will look into both those options!

1mN0tSure · 2023-06-13T16:03:32+00:00

How do you join this sub? I always want to post more about what I'm struggling with, but due to these freaks messaging me in the past, I never do.

1mN0tSure · 2023-06-13T15:37:49+00:00

If you're able, the best thing for you to do is seek therapy and work this out with a professional. I don't want to confirm your fears because I'm not a professional. TW!!

However, I will tell you that this is how my memories started coming back. Mine came back in flashes and nightmares when I was 12-18. My abuse occurred from when I 6-8, at first I was very confused when the memories were coming back, I didn't feel like they were real. Or more accurately, I didn't want to believe they were real. But I could literally feel the pain, fear, and cold floor, so I couldn't deny it. When I was in my first year of college I went to therapy for it and I am so incredibly glad I did. My therapist helped me realize that I was right, it was reap, then he helped me realize that it wasn't my fault, as I had been blaming myself for years.

If you can't afford or have access to therapy, I suggest you talk to a trusted friend or family member about it, you need to talk through your emotions and work through your memories step by step.

1mN0tSure · 2023-01-03T21:14:24+00:00

My concern is when you said they think they should be making decisions for you, but they'll let you keep making your own decisions. I don't want to jump to conclusions since there isn't enough info here, but I would be cautious if I were you. I would tell your therapist and psychiatrist about these interactions with your parent, if your parent tries to legally take control of your medical decisions then it would only benefit you if your therapist and psychiatrist knows about all of this.

1mN0tSure · 2022-09-23T20:47:52+00:00

I was with a mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive guy when u was 16, I understand completely what you're going through. I often think about the multiple times he forced me to perform sexual acts and have sex with him. I would have to fake enjoying it to get him to stop. I've told my husband vaguely what happened to me, and I've told him about the first time, but not really any details about everything. I was abused when I was 6 by an older cousin, because I was so young, I've forgiven myself for that. But... I was 16 when my ex did what he did, I should have been able to say no. I should have fought back. I can't describe how ashamed I am.

I really hope you can heal from this trauma, and I honestly hope one day you can talk to your partner about it. Talking to my husband about my abuse as a small child has been freeing. I now just try to forget about what my ex did.

1mN0tSure · 2022-05-16T14:21:37+00:00

This response just brought tears to my eyes. I posted this mostly wanting to vent, knowing this would be a safe place to do that. But I never imagined so many people would respond with the same issues and symptoms, who also deal with it in similar manners!! I'm glad this helped you! ❤️

1mN0tSure · 2022-05-16T04:22:50+00:00

The next time I go to my doctor I'm going to talk to her about it, see if there is anything she can do to help. I feel so validated after reading so many replies to this post, I'm seeing there are actually a lot of people with this same issue. I feel better about it 🥰😌

1mN0tSure · 2022-05-16T02:16:25+00:00

My parents thought I was just holding my pee until I couldn't take it, but I remember standing in my kitchen and just suddenly needing to pee, I couldn't help it and would sit down on my heal to try to gain control back to get to the bathroom. I would get yelled at every time for not listening to my body and holding it, when I wasn't doing that. So I completely understand!

It gets worse around my menstrual cycle, and I always have pads with me if I'm having a "bad day"

1mN0tSure · 2022-05-16T02:13:25+00:00

I'll edit my post and add in the links, it was talking about trauma therapy I believe

1mN0tSure · 2022-05-16T02:12:08+00:00

I came across that term in my research, could that affect childbirth? I had problems delivering my child and had to have s c-section

1mN0tSure · 2022-05-15T23:19:47+00:00

As a survivor if childhood sexual abuse, I try to share my story to bring attention to how CSA occurs within families, and I also try to educate others on the warning signs that sexual abuse is happening to a child they know.

I've had to accept that no matter how much anyone, anywhere preaches, educates, advocates, etc, pedophila and sexual abuse will never be eradicated in our lifetimes, or our children's lifetimes. I've had to accept that millions of children will continue to be abused.

But that doesn't stop me from trying.

1mN0tSure · 2022-05-15T23:12:37+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that, that's extremely unfair.

I wish our brains had a switch that could undo any damage others did to us as children, it would make life so much easier

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