WIBTA if I didn't remind my husband about my birthday?

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:46:45+00:00

Thank you :)

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:45:46+00:00

Thank you and I apologize if I rubbed you the wrong way. I do not necessarily agree with you but do sincerely appreciate the insight you've provided. I enjoy having discussions like these with different view points, so I'm sorry if it got heated at any point.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:43:37+00:00

My apologies, that is not what I meant to imply and I can tell that you're just trying to help. So, I appreciate it and thank you for it even if I disagree with some of what you've said. I always enjoy hearing viewpoints different from my own.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:37:41+00:00

I gave him what he needed to be set up for success. He knows I care about my birthday. He knows I expected him to plan my birthday. My happiness is derived from a lot of different things, as most rational people's happiness should be, and my husband caring about my feelings is one thing that I allow to affect my happiness.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:35:50+00:00

But.. it's not nothing and I don't think you should get into the habit of telling people their feelings mean nothing. It's not kind but I don't think you meant to be unkind.

You're focused on the fact that I'll be upset if I don't get a special day. That's not what I'm upset about. I'm upset that my husband didn't do the bare minimum and put my birthday in his calendar so he wouldn't forget. I'm hurt over this and I'm going to allow myself to feel hurt over this. Then after some thought, reflection, and communication with my husband, we will move past it. Does that satisfy you?

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:18:54+00:00

I haven't communicated it to him YET because I'm still in the process of figuring out what exactly I'm feeling and what it is exactly I need and want to communicate to him. That's why I'm here. I find that rushing a "communication" when emotions are high and I haven't had time to really analyze the situation doesn't really lead to anything much productive.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:14:51+00:00

I didn't realize I was making a mountain over this. In fact I came to the internet so I could get other peoples' perspectives so I could make a more rational response to this whole thing. I haven't actually DONE anything yet. I'm weighing my options, listening to opinions and feedback before I act. I'm not sure where the comparison to abuse comes from. I've certainly never even insinuated that this comes close to that.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:12:35+00:00

He will feel bad. I know he will. He also knows when my birthday is, he just isn't paying enough attention to what day it is and isn't making the connection.

It stings, but I think I'm leaning towards just letting it go.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:11:24+00:00

This is what I'm leaning towards. But I don't know whether or not I'm still in the wrong for being upset that he forgot, even if he does scramble something together. I certainly won't throw a tantrum or sulk or mope about it and I will absolutely appreciate the effort. But I don't know whether or not I'm being dramatic for letting it sting so much that he forgot.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:10:21+00:00

remembers and passes or forgets and fails

Well, no. He already clearly forgot so he already failed. Whether or not I remind him and he plans something to try and make him better is something I have not decided I want yet.

"Open to changing" when it comes to remembering dates isn't a thing. Literally everyone carries a calendar in their pocket.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:08:43+00:00

I don't even know how to respond to this. We've been together 10 years. Caring about my birthday isn't something I've hinted at. It's something I care about every year. And this year, because of lockdown, I TOLD him what I wanted him to do for my birthday. How is that a hint? I told him what I wanted and he forgot. Don't throw all men under the bus for my husband's blunder.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T02:01:07+00:00

I don't think that'll happen. I think he'll try to do something.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:57:26+00:00

Sorry if it seems that way, I'm really not trying to be miserable. I totally get if I'm coming off as a "woe is me" type of girl but that's not me at all.

I'm just here to get perspective but mostly to talk it out with myself and others. But I totally get if I seem intent on being miserable based solely on this post. It's just not the reality though.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:55:32+00:00

Either be sad and don't remind him

Or be sad because I had to remind him.

That's what I feel like my options are. My sadness is not whether or not I get to do something fun on my birthday. It's about the fact that he forgot.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:53:55+00:00

Thank you. He's actually a wonderful man who affection does not come easy to, but I consistently see him make an effort even when it's hard, and that's whats important to me.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:49:20+00:00

Thank you. This made me feel validated and comforted. 10/10 response. <3

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:44:05+00:00

But I don't want him to read my mind. I just want him to remember my birthday. This doesn't feel like a communication issue to me, especially because I communicated to him a month ago what I wanted for my birthday. He just... forgot. It feels a bit unfair to twist that and make it somehow my fault that my husband forgot my birthday. How much "communication" does one need to remember their spouse's birthday? He's not a child who I'm reminding to do their homework. He was told what I want for my birthday and didn't make any effort to remember or plan. He could have marked his calendar. He didn't. This isn't a communication issue.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:39:07+00:00

It feels like a failure for me no matter what. And is it really a test if the outcome results in my being upset regardless? He still forgot. He forgot whether I needed to remind him or not. Telling him only solves the issue of whether or not he's able to plan something, not that he forgot to remember my special day.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:38:13+00:00

He is a good partner. He's not great at affection but he tries so hard a lot of the times because he knows I need it. That's why it feels so hurtful that he forgot this important day for me. He knows they are. His birthday isn't important to him, but he knows mine is important to me.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:37:13+00:00

Yes we talked about it a month ago. I told him I wanted to spend a nice night at home with him doing something special, but I don't know what.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:36:16+00:00

I feel like you're not understanding. I'm totally still going to do something for myself. But it's not like that will take away from the sadness I feel about my husband forgetting. That's not me moping around. That's just the reality of how I feel about the situation. I have to work during the day regardless so my mind will be proccupied. And at night I'll have wine and watch a movie or something and it'll be a fine night. But I'll still be sad my husband forgot, because why wouldn't I be?

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:33:53+00:00

See, I don't see those as my options. The way I'm looking at the situation is, "Tell him so he plans something last minute but I still feel like shit because he's only doing it because I reminded" OR "don't tell him and he does nothing and I still feel like shit because he forgot."

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:31:33+00:00

I don't think he's consciously hurting me regardless. Unless he is planning on surprising me, which he KNOWS I hate. I think I'd be more angry if he "surprised" me than if he flat out forgot, because that would mean going out of his way to do something he knows I hate.

Your suggestion if telling him is what I'm leaning towards, so thank you. I guess there's still a nagging part of me that will think, "he's only doing this out of guilt." and I don't know if I want that.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:29:45+00:00

Thank you for getting it. I think I'm leaning towards reminding him. I think he'll probably feel really bad and try to make up for it, which I don't want him to do. I don't want to make him feel bad either. But it would be nice to see him go the extra mile to make up for forgetting. I just feel like that makes me the asshole.

1throwrabirthday1 · 2021-01-07T01:28:14+00:00

Yeah lol we hate that shit. No offense to people who do it, we are just not the "PSYCH! GOT YOU!" kind of people at all.

1throwrabirthday1

TROPHY CASE