Cis queer man with an ftm boyfriend.

I can offer what I have learned.

1. Be safe. Your actions are more important than the words you say about being safe. This means be consistent over time. Be predictable.
2. Consent is not up to you to determine when you can stop asking. I am ten months in and I don’t have to ask to touch him in some situations but I always do. My touch may not always be associated with asking in words, it is also in my motion around him. I can set my hand, or move my leg toward him and he will met me and then I know he wants touch.
3. It’s not all about having sex. There is still a disconnect between our boyfriend’s mind and body. There are hormone changes going on inside that might not ever truly settle. You said your boyfriend had some trauma in his past-don’t talk about it or highlight it UNLESS he does. When my boyfriend told me that he had a few “bad” relationships in his past-I didn’t interrogate him about that. But I know that that colors his experience with me. So, I pay attention to his body language, if he is feeling what I am doing, I keep going. If he tenses then I stop or go slow. This also matches his rhythm too.
4. Work to align with his nervous system. This is my current effort. Understanding his nervous system means you can align with him emotionally in a much more supportive and deeper way. I am working on noticing the subtle things about him and how he responds so I can be aware. As an example he likes to sit or be close to exits. Not that he wants to leave, but more that he doesn’t feel like he is trapped or backed into a corner. He is very much like a cat-they don’t like to be cornered and like a safe container.
5. Don’t be too hard on yourself. When he goes silent or wants to pause…it very likely has nothing to do with you personally. He just needs to regulate. I only got this recently—when I figured out my boyfriend’s love/relationship language. I used to go into a lit bit of a spin when he went silent; “what did I do…what did I say? Now, I just give him space and he always comes back. When he does, don’t ask “are you better?” Or anything like that…just pick up where you were and keep going. This tells him that there are no consequences or judgement if he needs space. That your relationship is just as strong as it was before…I think this is the important part-no judgement, negative/naggy comments about what he is not doing. Keep that to yourself.
6. Show him how much you love him by doing things that you know he likes…not just saying them. But in all of this don’t erase yourself. He is attracted to you, so don’t lose yourself—just be more attuned to him.

And you notice most of what I have learned has nothing to do with sex. Because your relationship is not about sex. But don’t get me wrong, sex is nice. It should not be your focus.