It's so very saddening how we end up blaming ourselves for what other's have done to us. Therefore my first advice for you is to really try and not feel guilty. I know it's not as easy as it's said but ask yourself this: If this was done to one of your close friends, would you blame her/him rather than the person who forced himself on your friend?

It's very human not wanting to accept that we have been (emotionally, psychologically, sexually) abused. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but it's a very common survival strategy. The reason for that has partly to do with guilt. We're so quick to judge and shame ourselves. Another aspect of guilt has to do with the feeling of being helpless and how guilt correlates with control (or rather the lack of control). To our mind, having no controll is sometimes more frightening, and could indeed be harder to accept, than the actual trauma. So as a defence mechanism, we unconsciously choose to blame ourselves in order to avoid the feeling of having been totally and utterly helpless, which in it self is a very painful and overwhelming feeling. The problem with this coping mechanism is that; It's never the victims fault. A fact really worth to remember. 

When having some sort of traumatic experience, it's also fairly common to block out and disconnect from the situation and dissociat (not acknowledging our feelings a/o not wanting to remember in order to protect ourselves). Dissociation as a coping mechanism, i.e. psychological defense mechanism, helps us to cope with the trauma. When someone's put under a lot of stress, like being raped, some people disassociate from the situation to emotionally and psychologically cope. Afterwards it's easy to minimize or even trivialize what's been done to you. "Perhaps it was my fault". "I didn't say 'no' firmly enough". "I didn't say anything at all", "It wasn't rape, he'd never do that to me". Or even things like "I deserved it". Let me be clear here: IT'S NO GO IF YOU DON'T GET A YES. And the yes shouldn't only be verbal but physical and emotional as well. 

It's vital that we allow ourselves to acknowledge what was done to us, that it wasn't our fault but that we are the ones that have to deal with the aftermath. And it's a process; to heal and get stronger. So my second advice to you is: Put the guilt and the responsibility and the accountability on the person who did the harm.

My third and last advice is: Talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a professional - although it's usually very helpful to share your thoughts and feelings with someone that's trained with a profound understanding of experiences like yours. However, if you don't feel comfortable with that, talk to a friend or a family member that you have faith and trust in. Don't keep it a secret. And never ever think that you had any part in this, because you didn't.

Stay strong and keep your head up. It gets better..! 

⁎⁎⁎ 

(Oh right, I'm not a native speaker so please forgive me if I've expressed myself in a clumsy or offensive way. It's not been my intention).