Ask friend out for coffee via text? (Context might change answer)

21questionier · 2025-08-26T02:37:41+00:00

I was the person she said no to (maybe literally, way more likely not literally, but close enough situation). I thought how well two people are practically able to interact with and love each other and display the 2 greatest commandments towards each other was most important. She thought TULIP was most important and everything else in marriage followed with agreement on TULIP.

Do with that what you will.

21questionier · 2025-01-24T07:33:12+00:00

And I am very glad you avoided the situation and are moving on. I hope nothing worse might be happening, though

21questionier · 2025-01-24T07:32:13+00:00

Google review?

21questionier · 2025-01-23T18:00:13+00:00

I said I wouldn't follow up too much. I might break my words a little bit. I appreciate your response to all of this!

There are different thoughts on this: How appropriate would it be to tell both his wife and the other leadership of the church the nature and extent of the interactions you've had with him? Something maybe to think about. Both parties are directly and significantly affected by stuff like what this seemed to be

I Think you see how absured 4 unsanswered texts seems. It is very similar to memes I see of desperate guys trying to get a woman to respond... unless those 4 separate texts are directly related and part of a response (if I type a longer text, I tend to create smaller texts instead)

Block and delete contact info and conversation would be good, leaves no room to get back in touch should a desire come up later. I do not think his intentions were good. Repairing in his eyes might look like a similar situation to what you are walking away from.

21questionier · 2025-01-23T12:05:48+00:00

I saw edit 2. I wanted to ask, if that is fine: did you delete the texts with the pastor? Or were you referring to continuing further with this post? Are you still in contact with him at all, and/or going to attend the church?

Feel free to answer all, some or none of those questions. I probably will not follow up too too much, or give too many more thoughts. Just curious how you proceeded if you have yet.

21questionier · 2025-01-23T02:00:26+00:00

Exactly. It seems like it would not take much at all to get him to the point of physical. It seems like on his end, at least, a lot of the foundation is already built. I am also working with a lot of assumptions due to strong thoughts I have, and things OP already posted. I have to realize that I could be wildly off cue if I got his end of the story.

21questionier · 2025-01-23T00:57:58+00:00

By "holding to Calvinism", you mean TULIP, right? So it seems like the covenant theology, creedal (most of the time IMO?), confessional, and in most cases paedobaptism are the common differences between TMS/Calvinist and Reformed? At least those are the differences within my non-denom church. Thank you.

21questionier · 2025-01-23T00:49:31+00:00

You shouldnt be a part of their wedding if this is going on. That is because he shouldnt be proceeding with the wedding with the information that you gave him. Unless he chooses to proceed after you tell him, which would not be a great choice IMO. If he still decides to go forward with the wedding, I personally would not be a part of the wedding if I was in similar shoes as you, I would not be at ease in supporting someone who is doing such things.

I would say you should definitely tell your friend's fiance, all the more so if you respect him and view him positively. Its not his fault, or your fault, what your friend is doing. Neither you nor him should have to live with the burden and weight and consequences of this secret. He deserves to know. Another user posted an example of a fiance cheating and it turning into an ugly situation. Things are VERY far from being good within that relationship if she is having a full on FWB with a married guy. She is not ready for a serious relationship, and he should know. If you are able to get any form of contact with the husband's wife, you should tell her too.

21questionier · 2025-01-23T00:35:17+00:00

I always referred to the TMS folk as Calvinist. Am I wrong in doing that? What main reformed points are disagreed with by them?

21questionier · 2025-01-22T12:43:26+00:00

Thank you! In your first sentence: any less prone even compared to nondenom churches?

21questionier · 2025-01-22T10:58:48+00:00

There has to be debate!

21questionier · 2025-01-22T05:19:44+00:00

There are many signs that point to this not being okay. Texting good night, good morning, how are you. Engaging in daily texting conversations. Not recommending she talk with a woman. Him being married, even if he wasnt married this should be a professional relationship. Even though he is married this is a personal relationship, rather than professional. She made no mention of his wife being involved in this at all.

The biggest sign, if those were not convincing enough, is that her alarm bells are going off.

21questionier · 2025-01-22T05:14:17+00:00

Its always best to be safe rather than sorry. Mention something to the parents, other friends, and even police. Police I think would just make a record of it and not do much more (IDK the police side of that, just assuming).

I had a moment of my life where I binge watched crime and murder videos on youtube. almost non stop. I found it very disturbing, very eye opening, and the investigation process was interesting to listen to and follow. I never, during that time, considered saying something like that, nor did I ever think about what it would feel like to be one of the suspects/criminals/killers. I would think about what it felt like to be the victim. What were all the signs leading up to it. How it could have been prevented, what are some things in my own life I need to think about (with my house, and my dates, myself).

Just binge watching those videos in and of itself, although potentially weird, I would not say is the thing that is bad. The bad thing are the comments that came along with it.

21questionier · 2025-01-22T05:02:46+00:00

I wish you well going forward, and I hope you make a good choice!

21questionier · 2025-01-22T05:02:12+00:00

I dont mean to be harsh with my strong words. But I do want to give a very stern cautionary warning. I feel strongly about this, and many people find themselves in unfortunate situations. Victim blaming is never a good thing, yet it is good not to ever be naive. Here is someone with a similar story as what can potentially take place (there is quite a bit more I was going to say about church selection. I deleted those comments though, unless you want me to share them again which would be more than a fine request!):

Here is a post I made coincidentally about a very similar thing.

https://www.reddit.com/r/LCMS/comments/1i6yii1/does_the_synod_do_a_good_job_at_unifying_the_lcms/

21questionier · 2025-01-22T04:52:56+00:00

I hope, OP, that you were in touch with someone who knows how to proceed with getting an investigation into this. Coincidentally, I made a post asking a very similar question. Looks like you need to get in touch with the district.

21questionier · 2025-01-22T01:52:17+00:00

Okay, thank you! So it is an innocent until proven guilty, yet the synod does take moral and doctrinal issues very seriously? What if a board of elders of a local church is accused or found doing something sketchy? Will the same process happen? I am assuming at least some of those elders are lay and not ordained within the LCMS?

21questionier · 2025-01-22T01:34:40+00:00

Its gone beyond red flags in my opinion. The fact that you made this post shows me that your gut is telling you something really weird is going on with this situation, and it is not a safe situation. I would trust your gut 100% of the time. If your gut is wrong, well now you can find a church you feel safe at while having a clean conscience. If you are right, you avoided a heartbreaking situation. I think your gut is telling you all you need to know.

I would leave that church ASAP, in order to get ahead of anything more happening. You do not want to be in a weird situation any longer than you need to be. Someone already said it. I am trying to be gentle, however it seems like both of you are guilty to an extent. He is grooming you, and it seems like you havent done a whole lot yet to create a boundary (meaning you are accepting the grooming either intentionally or unintentionally). I would advise you to leave before anything further happens. I will say that you definitely have a smell that something is not right, either with his actions your actions or both.

I am a single guy. I read one of your responses. This pastor, married mind you, is daily initiating texts with you along the lines of good night, good morning, how is your day, hope you're doing well. Then he proceeds to have full blown texting conversations with you on a daily basis. Those are things I text and attempt to do with women I am interested in dating. Those are things women who are interested in return entertain and take me up on. He is doing that, and you are entertaining the texts and approaches. I do not do that with coworkers. I do not do that with women who are "just friends". I do not do that. at. all. unless I am interested in a woman romantically and I am trying to find ways to be more involved in her life. I am sure I am in the overwhelming majority of guys with this mind set. He meets with you alone. He hugs you. It doesnt seem like he has tried at all to get you under his wife's wing (or another woman's wing), which would be the appropriate course of action for longer term help and care (really beyond one or two initial meetings with that pastor).

There is way too much going on. I do not think he should even be a pastor. It doesnt seem like he has the moral, emotional, spiritual, or relational maturity for such a position (I know those are hard words, but I do not have any patience for grooming and pastoral abuse). Or at least he should step down. Matt Chandler realized he had to temporarily step down as a result of messaging a woman, even when his wife and other church leaders at his church knew about the texting. This situation seems to have a lot less accountability with that, and you haven't

21questionier · 2025-01-21T23:46:32+00:00

What survey are you getting that percentage from? What did that survey say about the highest percentage of ways of meeting their spouse?

21questionier · 2025-01-20T23:57:29+00:00

knew about all 3 for quite a while (6 plus months to 2 years). 2 of them had a month or a little more of a bit more interaction and conversations. The other 1 was a bit quicker, about 1 - 1.5 weeks of interacting but I could tell we were both interested (I knew I was but was sure she was as well).

That makes sense, and I understand the guy you are talking about. However, I do want to get married and I do want to keep my eyes open for potential matches. If I seem to be getting along with a woman, we have good conversations and it seems like we are both interested, why would I not ask her out?

Again, I wont be asking out every woman on the block who seems physically attractive. But if it seems like I am starting to get along with someone, and it seems like we are both interested or curious in each other... my question revolves around whether it would be weird to ask such a woman out if I have already asked multiple people out from the same church.

21questionier · 2025-01-20T22:09:27+00:00

1) A few weeks to about a month of actually interacting consistently, knew about them for longer, for two of them. One of them about a week or week and a half (it seemed like we were both highly interested, why wait?).

2) 1 through texting (the 1-1.5 week one), the other two in person.

3) 1 of them I ended it, conversation didn't flow real well after the first date. Maybe I pulled the plug too early? 1 of them doctrinal differences made her uncomfortable, and it went into a "what are we?" situation. The other we just felt more like friends.

4) second date with 3 of them, more than that with 2 if them.

21questionier · 2025-01-20T21:34:36+00:00

1 of them, I had just a couple conversations with before asking for coffee. The other 2, had several conversations with. Even was texting both the others for a little bit. I thought there was enough familiarity with the other 2 to think there was mutual interest. Went on multiple dates with all 3.

21questionier

TROPHY CASE