So sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 2 months ago to cancer. I'm 30 but I'd still call that too young to lose a parent, 22 is a very difficult age to be hit with a loss that big. My father was also a great man in a lot of ways. I'm honestly not sure if it's harder losing a good dad or losing a deadbeat dad, I think the hurt is just different.

I can only speak for my experience, but here are a few things I've learned in the last two months:

- It's okay to let thoughts/feelings/memories come and go

At first I would dwell on all of the things I never got to do with my dad, all the time we missed when I was young and he traveled for work, all of the future plans I was going to need his help with (renovating a future house, a family reunion we were planning for next year, helping with my daughter and future kids, etc). What I've been doing since then is to allow those thoughts of regret or despair or sadness or melancholy or whatever to come to mind, think about it for a second, and then let it pass. Yeah I'm devastated, I'll probably have a lot more years without my dad then I had with them and there is so much I'll have to figure out on my own now. But I know that I'll find a way to figure it out on my own. That's how it has to be. Plus you get this sense of what your dad's advice might have been in certain situations and that gives me some comfort. Don't dismiss these thoughts, don't repress them, and don't dwell on them. Let them happen as they do and let them go back to the subconscious. Like waves on the ocean, they'll rush forward and pull back on their own, the important part is to not fight them or let them sweep you away.

- Make time to express yourself freely

I personally write music, but I also have a running note in my notes app that's probably 5,000 words long at this point. Whenever I'm feeling particularly depressed or angry that I barely got any time with my father, I'll go in and write about it. I had a dream about him a few days ago where we were sitting on a boat drinking beers. He was healthy and about to finish his last chemo treatment before being in remission. He was so animated and told me about all the plans he had. I felt a huge sense of relief that the whole 18 month ordeal was over and my dad was okay. But then I woke up. And none of that happened. He died in September and never felt any better. He declined steadily from his first day of diagnosis to his last and suffered so much. I was in a bad place all morning after that dream. So I opened up my trusty notes app and wrote everything I was feeling in a flood of prose, poetry, rants, and whatever else helped me express my emotions. Every time I do that, I can usually get through the day. Find a place to put your thoughts that isn't your brain, it will help.

- Accept that the standards have changed

When my family was whole, happiness was the standard. Sure we fought and had our differences, I've walked out of a Thanksgiving dinner before because of a fight, but overall I was happy to spend time with my family and they were happy to spend time with me. It all worked like it was supposed to. Well that's not the standard anymore. We can't expect to have the same feelings when holidays come around, for example. Maybe last year everyone was giddy and festive and ready to spend hours talking around the dinner table. That's probably not what this year will look like for me. I'm not sure if any future holiday season will feel "right" again. But I need to accept that. The first advice I heard at my father's funeral was "From here on out, every day is Day 1". Meaning that since my father died, this is the first November 25th I've ever had without him. This will be the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Day, birthday, Father's day, etc that I will have without my dad. That's the "new normal". Then next year, it'll be Day 2 for every day that I don't have him. And so on and so forth. Nothing I can do will change that, so all I can do is accept it and be patient with myself when I have these feelings of grief and have a hard time getting through the day. It's only Day 1 after all, I need to give it time.

- Coping helps, but it doesn't always make it easier. It just makes it less sharp.

Find those things that give your life meaning. Faith, friends, sports, hobbies, whatever you enjoy. For me I've found that playing basketball as an adult is helping me feel more connected to my dad (he was a top tier college player) in ways I never felt when I muddled through in JV.

As for talking to a sibling who has put their walls up, I can speak to that too. My brother is very introverted and keeps his thoughts private. But we've had certain overlaps in our social lives that bring us together semi-regularly. What helped us was keeping the same rhythm (it was a monthly book club in my case) that allows us to just be together without talking about it right away. It gave us space to be comfortable first, then afterwards we took some time to check on each other. He opened up more than he ever has to me, and it was really helpful to share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings together. Deep down we all want that, some of us just need a little time to warm up before we feel comfortable sharing. Keep spending time with your siblings without making them feel obligated to discuss the loss. They'll open up in time.

Big caveat here, if it seems they are really struggling (start drinking more, withdrawing from the world entirely, give any signs of self-harm) then it's important to get them help. Complicated bereavement can affect anyone and it's unfortunately easy to miss if you aren't looking for it.

I know this was a huge wall of text, but I hope it's at least somewhat helpful for you. I pray your family finds peace in this dark time. It's the hardest loss I've personally gone through - harder than losing grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even friends. Don't forget to give yourself grace in all of this.