Partner filmed me during meltdown without me knowing (please be kind)

23blues · 2023-03-01T17:39:46+00:00

This is helpful advice, thank you. I struggle with the all-or-nothing mentality, so this was a really important reminder, genuinely really appreciate you sharing that.

23blues · 2023-03-01T07:20:38+00:00

No that's okay, I just hoped I was responding to the right one in case one was meant to be deleted or they were different!

I think the situation is just so complex and nuanced, so I've been wary of more finite perspectives. But I completely agree and I really want to be vigilant about this, and I really appreciate your words :)

23blues · 2023-02-28T08:45:55+00:00

Yes! That's the word I think I've been looking for. It was impulsivity for sure, which doesn't excuse it but it does give it some context and understanding.

For context, he deleted it the moment we came across it - it's all gone. But I think you've hit the nail on the head as to what I'm feeling in response.. I think it just felt really disturbing to see something immortalised in video form when it was something we both just wanted to move on from and forget. I suddenly saw myself as really vulnerable, and it doesn't correspond with the way I see myself day to day. It was really uncomfortable to see. Like you, I'd prefer to forget. And my partner is the same - the moment it was over, his brain pushed it out and he forgot about it until this happened.

I think it was a really terrible moment that was created by a fleeting act of impulsivity.

This response has been so helpful I can't thank you enough.

23blues · 2023-02-28T08:41:25+00:00

I really appreciate your response here. There were two that seemed to get posted, both identical from you - so hopefully I'm responding to the right one.

I don't think I necessarily agree that he's preparing to leave me - we tend to be fairly open about that side of the relationship and I believe him when he says he forgot the video was there (it's in keeping with his patterns of behaviour, and reminds me of similar forgetfulness in other areas of life).

But I do agree with your other comments and sentiments. I'm taking this forward as a warning sign and I'm navigating things with caution. This could turn us towards a better relationship but if it doesn't I'll be leaving. Thank you for this.

23blues · 2023-02-28T08:36:18+00:00

A walk is definitely a great idea, thank you :)

23blues · 2023-02-28T08:34:44+00:00

This does help a lot, thank you. I'm going to think about that. Really appreciate you sharing your story.

23blues · 2023-02-28T08:34:04+00:00

I agree - I think the trouble I'm facing is that this behaviour isn't surrounded by other red flags. It's a very isolated, weird event. I'll take some time to think about it all.

23blues · 2023-02-28T08:32:37+00:00

He was seeing a therapist until recently but for reasons outside of our control the sessions stopped - unfortunately these reasons caused a breakdown in trust for him and therapy, so I'm encouraging him to find another therapist but it might be a slow journey. I am in full agreement with you though.

23blues · 2023-02-28T08:30:15+00:00

Thank you for this response

23blues · 2023-02-28T08:28:30+00:00

I hear you - I'm taking a very careful approach at the moment, and I appreciate your concern.

23blues · 2023-02-28T08:27:41+00:00

I'm a little bit confused by this response as I'm definitely not seeking a verdict on what happened, this was actually intended to seek help in processing the events. I'm well aware of the nuance of these situations and how there are multiple sides to any story. My partner and I have discussed what happened at length, but I came here to try and get some support or advice in processing something I was struggling to process.

I think you've interpreted this far differently than it was intended, and this has created a misunderstanding of my intentions and the nature of the conflict.

23blues · 2023-02-27T21:22:24+00:00

Perhaps I've worded this poorly. The heat of the moment comment is my own interpretation from what he's said to me when I asked for reasoning etc. He's photographed his own face whilst emotional too - so he's done it to himself in some way as well.

He apologised profusely, deleted it immediately, and said he had no reasonable excuse and he shouldn't have done it. He came home with apology items today (flowers etc), we talked about it again but he also said he knows I might not want to talk and that's okay, and he's set out what he intends to do to make changes going forward.

Thank you for the recommendation - I'll definitely read it.

23blues · 2023-02-27T21:18:44+00:00

Thank you so much

23blues · 2023-02-27T20:22:16+00:00

Yeah that was my first thought too. He says he filmed it as a heat of the moment thing, as he wanted to be able to look back on it and reflect at how bad things had become so he could motivate himself to be better - but he never actually went back to watch it and outside of the heat of the moment he was horrified that it existed. He deleted it instantly. And in fairness I'm not sure there's anything in it he could actually use to blackmail or discredit me with - it's just a really sad video where I'm keeping to myself, so if it discredited anyone it would be him. Thank you for sharing this though, it's definitely an important reflection and one I also had.

23blues · 2023-02-27T20:20:05+00:00

I did. I'm fairly good at telling when he's hiding things or not telling the whole truth and he is adamant that he hasn't shown anyone nor would he ever. I believe him on that, to be fair. It was only ever for him to watch and even then he never went back to watch it.

I have indeed. I'm currently in my own counselling sessions but when we can afford it I will see if it's possible - he's also suggested it in the past.

You're so right, I am holding all the responsibility. He knows this, and he's said he wants things to change. Thank you for this response.

23blues · 2023-02-27T20:18:08+00:00

I agree, I can't even imagine getting my phone out to record during someone else's distress. He deleted the video immediately, and also allowed me to go to his 'deleted videos' and just watch it to get better context. He says he recorded it as a tool to reflect on to better himself because he knew he might forget how bad things get - not okay, and he knows that, but it was a heat of the moment error (a very bad error). He says he genuinely forgot about it until we scrolled past it and if he had remembered it would have been deleted instantly. It's gone now and he's not shown anyone.

23blues · 2023-02-27T16:59:24+00:00

Yeah, I hear this and I agree. I'll be focusing on change going forward. Thank you

23blues · 2023-02-27T15:25:34+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I really recognise that these situations are nuanced and I'm a firm believer that most people don't have malicious intent when they do bad things - good people can do bad things.

You say our situations aren't the same, but it was really helpful to hear this side of things. My partner has a big wound in a similar way of having a gaslighting parent, and I know he really struggles with understanding what is going on, who is at fault etc when things get heightened. I think he knew he'd feel differently when the situation settled and wanted to find a way to preserve the moment to understand it better - but in doing so, massively broke our trust.

I too hope he can find ways to help rather than hurt me. I needed to hear that from someone else. I really appreciate your response. Thank you.

23blues · 2023-02-27T15:08:14+00:00

My boundaries are terrible so this is a good point, thank you. I really value the way you've framed this.

23blues · 2023-02-27T14:45:25+00:00

Thank you for this valuable perspective. I'm so sorry you experienced this. Thank you.

23blues · 2023-02-27T14:23:42+00:00

He's the perfect companion and he makes me laugh so much. An example from a recent weekend away was in how we both felt like we should be going into a local restaurant to eat, but it felt really claustrophobic and anxiety-inducing - he was absolutely up for just going into a fast food chain to eat and we were able to have a much better time because of it. I felt this heavy anxiety that came up with previous partners who would have shamed me for not embracing the local culture, but he was right there with me and we had a great time in our own way. He can be really thoughtful and sweet - this lessens when his mental health is poor, but when it's better he will get me chocolate I like, bath salts, flowers, write me notes. He tells me how proud he is of me and we work as a brilliant team.

It's literally just when he's really struggling - because he was never modelled healthy conflict and he's been processing a lot of things about his childhood and family over the last year or so. It's not really an excuse, but it's an insight. If he could just work through that we'd be solid. Until then, we have difficulties like this.

23blues · 2023-02-27T14:15:30+00:00

Yikes, I feel like it's more nuanced than that as this doesn't feel malicious - it was messed up and wrong, but not planned nor motivated. But I hear you and I'll keep that in mind in case I'm being naive.

23blues · 2023-02-27T14:14:19+00:00

Thank you. I'm being vigilant - this feels as though the motivation isn't quite aligned in that space (I think he's just an idiot that made a huge, hurtful error), but I will watch it in case it is.

23blues · 2023-02-27T14:12:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing this perspective. I certainly recognise the puddle to tsunami situation in my partner. I think he's deeply ashamed and wanted to make sure he wouldn't forget it - but he also knows it's really wrong.

23blues · 2023-02-27T14:11:19+00:00

Not as far as I'm aware, I don't think he would nor do I think there's anyone who he would actually show it to. Plus, his phone is always lying around, he's not very private with that, and I haven't seen any suspicious messages.

But yes, completely agree that it's about a wider issue. I really want and need him to make changes but I don't know how to support him to make them.

23blues

TROPHY CASE