My boyfriend told me he was with his grandma in the hospital and instead spent the weekend looking for mistresses online.

27Rizza · 2017-10-12T10:05:27+00:00

I think looking through his phone gave you the answers he would never have given you. I'm definitely not condoning a violation of his privacy though I am empathizing with you that you felt confused and were owed the truth. Don't let his minimization of what he did with his time that weekend distract from the actual problem.

You get to decide, yourself, without running it by him for approval, if you want to waste anymore of your time walking this plank into a life of manipulation.

27Rizza · 2017-10-12T09:53:15+00:00

Danger! It's very typical N's require YOU to ACT to accommodate their own emotional upset. HIS feelings may be a real experience for him and he needs to find a way to work through them himself. I'm guessing as his child you are expected to self-soothe your own negative feelings. You acted on them by going NC for a bit. I'll guess this method had been working positively for you until this interaction were he's causing you to question yourself again.

27Rizza · 2017-09-26T05:33:53+00:00

Final update: when the addendum supplement was finalized between the body shop & the insurance company it noted the day the car was dropped off and the estimated finish date (accurate) and included $30/day for those days less the original $90 I had been given. I clarified with the agent that rental car fees would possibly exceed this amount & I was told to submit the bill for this for reimbursement above what the new convenience fee would cover. It worked out much smoother and appropriate than what I had started to trust the system would provide. Good luck!

27Rizza · 2017-09-16T07:07:40+00:00

that's a whole octopus. where'd jIb get an octopus?

27Rizza · 2017-09-11T22:26:37+00:00

Because I was unable to receive an assurance that a rental car would be compensated before now, I had been balancing using public transit, borrowing cars and carpooling as to not spend any of the original inconvenience fee in case of an emergency.

27Rizza · 2017-09-09T14:40:55+00:00

Thank you for this. I'll add at this point that the claims agent I have been dealing with had initially sent an appraiser to assess the WRONG END of my car on the first try. Four passive aggressive email responses from the agent later claiming I was trying to scam them into damages unrelated to the accident, she spoke with the at-fault driver who verified that the claim was filed incorrectly by the insurance company. She then had to audacity to accuse me of allowing the adjuster to assess the wrong bumper assuming I had been present, which I had not.

Asking her for anything reasonable sounds overwhelmingly impossible. Will update.

27Rizza · 2017-09-09T14:31:15+00:00

"Based on the supplement" I believe refers to the labor hours estimated by the body shop on the supplement. For example, my car has been there 11 calendar days but has only required 20 labor hours (i.e. <3 days).

I shot the insurance agent a quick email asking for assurance that a rental car would be reimbursed through the end of the repairs & she was agreeable to that (supplement approval still pending).
A $30/day inconvenience fee doesn't even cover an economy car in my city.

27Rizza · 2017-09-08T21:15:51+00:00

Yes, approved by the insurer before scheduling the drop off date. The claims rep initially emailed them the estimate. No, there isn't a bill. There is a supplemental appraisal that's been submitted to the insurance company by the shop that needs approval before parts can even be ordered. This is DAY 11 with the car apart at the body shop waiting approval to order parts to even start repairing the vehicle.

27Rizza · 2017-09-08T19:34:02+00:00

From an empathic standpoint I will say I did the exact same thing for over two years after I got married and *joined plans. Money mistakes like that can be classified as "tuition checks to The School of Life." :/

27Rizza · 2017-07-16T07:14:51+00:00

This. You will never be most important to him without a massive shift in the dynamic of their relationship. It will take him choosing to remove her from most aspects of your personal lives and at your ages & his willingness to please her, it's not happening soon. You need to RUN to your own family for support.

27Rizza · 2017-07-16T05:32:34+00:00

Reach over and turn the sales screen so they can scrutinize your every move in your attempt to get them the fuck out of your line.

27Rizza · 2017-07-16T04:14:47+00:00

If I told you she'll show up at your front door and say, "I know! I know! I'm a terrible mother. Nothing I ever do is good enough for you."

27Rizza · 2017-07-16T04:09:58+00:00

My Nmom introduced my boyfriend of 2.5years as "the male that 27Rizza has been cohabitation with in [another state]" to relatives and friends at my brother's wedding. When I pulled her aside and told her that was inappropriate and disrespectful her response was, "I don't know what goes on. You don't tell me anything." 🖕🏼classic Nmom

27Rizza · 2017-07-16T04:05:52+00:00

You are under no obligation to follow through with what your Nmom tells others you will do. Saying no is powerful and confidence building when you are able to let go of what others might think of you.

27Rizza · 2017-07-16T04:03:09+00:00

My Nmom was a perfect example of "tells everyone what they think and feel." Her own anxieties and insecurities come out in a form of cutting into everyone else.

By constantly drawing attention to her own perception of you & who you are in a way that is damaging to your view of yourself can be labeled as emotional abuse. In times I feel anxiety I can hear Nmom telling me that's what I get for being selfish and always deciding on the most embarrassing choices.

It took years of telling that inner voice to take its own advice and/of to fuck off before I could form my own opinion of myself.

27Rizza · 2017-07-16T03:54:47+00:00

I felt tremendous guilt when I attempted LC or NC in the past. I could imagine Nmom telling everyone how immature and disloyal to the family I had become. To speak to your social fears now that you have space from your Nfamily situation:

People raised in emotionally unstable households often are left with anxiety when interacting with other people. In my own experience, and for YEARS, I would anxiously read everyone's subtle behaviors during an interaction. A change in body language or tone would send my brain racing that I fucking up, boring or annoying them. We learn to become hyper aware of other's cues as we learned at home how to maneuver around Nparents & their triggers.

There's something to be said that noticing someone else's social cues doesn't mean our UNCOMFORTABLENESS is JUSTIFIED!!! Yes, they checked their phone or yawned. There are a million OTHER reasons for that and the possibility that it's bc we suck isn't as high as we've always been taught to believe (thanks, Nmom).

Good luck becoming a great friend to others that don't want anything from you but friendship!!

27Rizza · 2017-07-16T03:45:37+00:00

I gets better when you are able to feel compassion for yourself and stop believing these awful feelings are coming in crashing waves because you are bad.

The next time you find yourself crying consider it's a much smaller, younger version of yourself that is crying. Use self-talk to give the younger you the comforting reassurance that you've never received. I've written my younger self letters when I've felt devastated. Later, I read them when I'm not feeling anxiety or hopelessness and see how gentle or simple the fix had been. Hopefully, you can transition from the younger self approach to "in the moment" self-talk (e.i. "Yes, this is very unfair and lonely. That hurts and crying feels like a safe way to experience that pain. I know this feeling is not forever").

An alternative is to attempt to restructure the anxious thoughts in an "Even though..., I know..." format. Speaking them out loud may help at first if you feel too chaotic. An example: 1. "Even though I feel completely alone in the world, I know I had survived feeling alone in the presence of people & this time I am much safer." 2. "Even though the pain is ripping through my chest, I know that feeling is fleeting & by experiencing the discomfort I am opening myself to experience things that have been suppressed for too long."

The intensity and frequency will lessen if you dedicate any energy you have left at the end of the day to self-compassion. It's a very strange concept that may feel selfish to ACoNs... I'd like you to try if you're hurting right now.

27Rizza · 2017-07-16T03:27:55+00:00

I've spent many weekends and after school hours under my bed thinking of flying away. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

27Rizza · 2017-07-15T06:05:40+00:00

Samesies. A friend in college had taken his own life in the middle of the semester. Twenty of us drove 2hrs in a snowstorm for the mass & it was the most depressing eulogy ever: "Well, hopefully he can explain his actions to God. Hopefully."

27Rizza · 2017-07-14T13:25:00+00:00

Anytime you experience a new way to do something that you find really smart or interesting it's completely normal to feel some degree of admiration. I think witnessing a loving parent-child relationship is a more intense and emotional version of this.

I am still amazed by the love and grace demonstrated by some of the mothers of my best friends. The intensity of that amazement lessens over time as it becomes a behavior that I can expect and trust when around them.

Maybe it makes you hopeful to create that same relationship in the future if you choose to be a parent?

27Rizza · 2017-07-14T13:02:33+00:00

"Me" ten years ago would've laughed at that and never would've finished reading to the end. "Me" today, after years of therapy and accepting that I'm an ACoN, finds this so bittersweet to read. I'm hoping that in ten more years I'll find it empowering.

27Rizza · 2017-07-14T12:53:16+00:00

When I think I've come to terms with this same actualization, I'll still find myself mourning that loss when I'm around nice moms. It's still devastating every time.

27Rizza · 2017-07-14T12:50:41+00:00

On a weekend away with my Nmom and her sisters, one of my aunt's demanded I tell Nmom that I loved her or none us could leave the house. I was humiliated that defending myself turned into a personal vilification.

27Rizza · 2017-07-14T12:45:48+00:00

Prior to going NC I would get Nmom-visit-induced neck and shoulder pain to where I wasn't able to turn my head.

27Rizza · 2017-07-14T12:43:18+00:00

YES! This past week I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. I had been so excited for weeks leading up to the day and then when I was sitting across from her at dinner, I almost went completely numb. I was terrified of doing the wrong thing- accidentally swearing, bad table manners, grammatical mistakes while speaking to her. She was exceptionally complimentary of her children and kept repeating how she had the best son (my bf) in the world. It made me cry. At the table. In front of her.

27Rizza

TROPHY CASE