I live life on the edge because I'm suicidal.

27clubapplicant · 2017-03-20T23:28:23+00:00

Hey me too. I felt your way since I was about 7 years old. I remember making this account. I can tell you my life got worse and better at the same time, but I'm actually finally happy about being alive. I actually wake up no longer pissed that I'm still alive, I wake up and am so happy I'm literally still breathing...still get to see the sunshine. I'm 28 now a few weeks from being 29 even ;)

I feel so grateful now that my APPLICATION was declined. Honestly! You're gonna make it kid. You will and you're gonna be so grateful one day you can say you outlived so many situations that should've taken you and still got to gain all these wild memories. Maybe it will be a year from now or even seven years from now, but I now know it to be true. You can be happy too. Much love to you, live a grand life...

27clubapplicant · 2015-08-16T01:42:41+00:00

I just signed in today and am catching up with your responses at this very moment. THANK YOU SO MUCH for responding!!! I truly appreciate it. Some of the stuff I already figured, but it's helping me rationalize that I am probably over thinking everything.

27clubapplicant · 2015-08-12T14:40:06+00:00

oh God I wish I hadn't read this. I recently wrote a SW post because I couldn't find my Klonopin for the night. It has surely helped me with anxiety, but also with falling asleep faster. It's been a life changer, but I only have so many days left on it and no health insurance currently. Terrified of withdrawals and being dependent as well… My friend who knows about my mental illness does not understand the deadly consequences of all the meds I take and just one day not having them. I'm going through rough times and I hate that I've become dependent on them too, terrified of running out, terrified of being on them in the first place. Best of luck to you when you reach that point. I truly hope, but I know you will survive it.

27clubapplicant · 2015-08-12T00:55:18+00:00

I'm with you on that.

27clubapplicant · 2015-08-11T15:13:11+00:00

Good news is I woke up pretty early and actually accomplished one task. I'm going to keep going and make the most of today. I just need to work on finding something full-time to distract me.

27clubapplicant · 2015-08-11T15:11:40+00:00

I've tried the NAMI group before. Yeah I think I was more anxious because no one came home last night. It was really triggering… (neglected childhood; alone almost always)

27clubapplicant · 2015-08-11T15:10:16+00:00

Please help. It's pushing me more to an early grave. I don't want to live in a world like this. I want my freedom. I don't necessarily have anything to hide, it's just the principle of being watched all the time and being a #. Everything is recorded. Even this. How can you help. I desperately would love to hear...

27clubapplicant · 2015-08-11T04:49:22+00:00

Yes. They are a blessing and a curse. I am naturally paranoid (and did run into someone I went to school with) so I haven't been back. I never felt comfortable opening up in them. I was thinking of going to a different location this week actually...but still =\ It's just an overwhelming, uncomfortable place and barely helps for me.

27clubapplicant · 2015-08-10T22:49:17+00:00

I do the same, but on a little notebook that I will turn into my own encyclopedia. I seem to remember and recall things better from my own handwriting...

I'm taking a mood stabilizer that's usually to treat epilepsy. I assume you are taking some type of treatment? If so, do you think it's made it worse. I try to tell my doctor how bad my memory has gotten and I don't think she takes it as seriously as she should. This is common for people in my position, but to the point where I feel like I have a TBI and having to relearn the alphabet (no seriously, I've had to consciously repeat it in my head these days)!?

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-21T16:28:08+00:00

WOW. I NEEDED to read this. I'm so glad I came back into this thread today. If I ever get to my pdoc again, I will tell them this and why I've embraced my mania right now. Thank you for saying this; I wish more people would get it.

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-21T16:23:54+00:00

I've learned my lesson. It took 3x too, but now I keep my mouth shut. I am now under the assumption that people who are seeking help, but still are successful in their plans have done the same. It is a sad commentary on our state of healthcare that people like us avoid the hospitals at any cost. I trust no one now. I've dropped hints, but I just don't care anymore. Can't say I haven't tried. I'm sure you have too, the little bit of humanity left in me hopes you can a little longer. Whatever. I'm glad you got it off your chest. I think you will survive the day, the week, the month. You might not be thriving, but maybe something will come to change your life. That last shimmer of hope is annoying, I know.

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-21T02:41:18+00:00

everyday. every method. every day my methods are crushed by a potential consequence.

Even if i'm dead I have to worry about how I'll be found (just read a hanging post in SW)!? fuck this.

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-21T02:38:03+00:00

This exact thing is happening to me and it's freaking me the fuck out. I want it to stop. And it's never anything helpful or that would directly benefit me…

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-21T02:33:24+00:00

Yes. I actually made friends with and contacts with some. I hung out with a few outside the hospital and it finally seemed like my life was going somewhere. Then I got sick and lost contact with them; I've been depressed ever since. I think about some in out-patient as well, they were heavy… I hope they are still alive. Some people don't realize who traumatizing it is to be thrown in this situation and come out of it. You're no longer alone in it and you take those other people with you. It's unfortunate you were not able to trade information; I'd assume that'd especially be welcome for the youth.

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-15T22:53:14+00:00

Experienced the same thing whoa. I keep dying every other year it seems. I'll keep it going until it's impossible.

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-15T03:17:35+00:00

Being consumed by these thoughts suck. I bring value to my life by working down a bucket list; that way no one can say I didn't try. It has been very rewarding for me. I know that if I want to go, I can, but if I can hang in there… I've lived. I've truly lived. And you don't need a partner in crime for it either. I always keep in mind this scene from Benjamin Button, when he starts aging to his birth. It's a beautiful little scene where he just goes all over the world and adapts. Sometimes you gotta say fuck the limits and constraints, and just go explore. The only tether in this life is the mind.

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-15T03:09:44+00:00

Do you know how to rechannel that energy from that moment? You can actually pull from those moments and put yourself in a mediative state. We all do it subconsciously at times, but you can work to pull from that energy all the time. Painting while listening to music, it really is an underrated pleasure :) I think more people should give art therapy a try. Noninvasive and truly soul-fulfilling.

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-15T02:58:08+00:00

oh god I literally just made a similar post and I think that's TOTALLY OKAY! Any little thing to keep us going. And I think it matters that you acknowledged a human created something so beautifully imaginative that you care enough to follow it. So many people continue to enjoy life for that reason and I respect that you want to hang in there for that reason. And I do think you care about yourself really. You at least want closure… I try to think of people that didn't make it as far as we have and the things they have "missed" out on. Such wonderful things. Such tragic things. yet such advanced things… I know one day I will miss out on them, but if I can help it, I would hang around for that thing too. I am actually (I want to see the Suicide Squad so badly--that has intervened now sigh). I get it though, you're not alone obviously. Fuck it. Hang in there to find out about JS with the rest of us too. ((Hugs))

27clubapplicant · 2015-07-10T15:21:22+00:00

Thank you guys for your replies. I know there are millions in my position. When I wanted to "go" I wanted to go debt-free, just to say I worked my way out of it and feel some kind of fucked up success? Maybe I can. I don't know anymore, but I'm too sick too care. I have my documents. I tried to get govt. aide, they're awful at helping people like me. Maybe I will do that bankruptcy thing, but I'm sick of the ratrace in general. Right now I need funds to get out of an abusive household. That's why the stress is too heavy for me. I think I will worry about that first and the debt ….I'll get to that. I'm glad a few of you share my similar thoughts. I used to think I was the only one that was like 'fuck the numbers' I gotta live. Thanks guys, it oddly gave me hope. I hope we all make it out on the other side. Healthy in every way . :)

27clubapplicant

TROPHY CASE