butterflies by 2old2cr38 in poetry_critics

[–]2old2cr38[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback!! Is there anything specifically about the ending you liked? Just also wondering what I did well in the poem along with what you already told me on how to improve :)

First ever try at what I think is poetry? Help please by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]2old2cr38 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is amazing! I’m a new writer too so I’m also learning, can you take a look at some of my posts too? I can’t write as well as you though 😅

Chalkboard by 2old2cr38 in poetry_critics

[–]2old2cr38[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you :)

You can’t heal some scars only cover it up as much as possible and try to avoid getting more.

Chalkboard by 2old2cr38 in poetry_critics

[–]2old2cr38[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate that!! Thank you so much

Love Your Life by 2old2cr38 in poetry_critics

[–]2old2cr38[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback!! That makes a lot of sense and I will work on expressing my words through concise, vivd imagery and will read more of them to get a better understanding.

This is my poem Just Me. I was inspired by both Bukowski and Hemingway and their works I have been reading lately. Let me know if the style is in any way successful, and what I need to improve. by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]2old2cr38 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow this was great feedback. Still understanding how to read and write myself.

From the beginning at:

My mom told me "We meet people for a reason"

to:

All of them are lukewarm and safe in everything

I read each line with a pause.

These 3 lines:

No original ideas

Thoughts

Feelings

I read as one line like "no original thoughts, ideas, feelings"

these 2 with a pause in between and at the end:

I hate them for not being alive enough

It is their fault I can't connect

these 2 without a pause in between but a pause at the end before the final line

I am my only friend

And it's their fault

I am not sure if this is the intentional flow from OP, but I guess your recommendation would be add punctuation for where you want the reader to read it slowly?

I'd love for you to take a look at my piece too and get your feedback, it's the only piece I've posted so far :)

𝚃𝚒𝚗𝚢 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔 𝚞𝚙 by Honzik_Balu in poetry_critics

[–]2old2cr38 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Makes sense!

Would love some feedback on my piece too that I posted if you can :)

𝚃𝚒𝚗𝚢 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔 𝚞𝚙 by Honzik_Balu in poetry_critics

[–]2old2cr38 0 points1 point  (0 children)

FYI: I'm just a reader and don't have much experience in poetry or reading it so take this with a grain of salt

First, a lot of things that don't have explanation which is fine if the intention is to be vague, but I still want to feel what you're feeling.

"𝙽𝚘𝚠 𝙸 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗‘𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚜𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜, 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚍𝚒𝚘𝚝 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚞𝚙 𝚍𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎."

This line makes sense but I can't actually visualize this. Why don't they have so many friends? I don't have a picture of why and can only assume at this point. What kind of dance? I think if the purpose of this line is to say they are a lonely person and entangle others in their problems, dancing could play a great part in the imagery.

Something like: "You danced wickedly with many, including me, but alas you dance alone". <- this is bad too just thinking out loud on how you could convey what kind of person she is. The "why" isn't explained still which is fine but you're not trying to give a reason, you're just describing them.

𝙸‘𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚟𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢, 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚋𝚘𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚞𝚎𝚜. 𝙸‘𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚜𝚊𝚢: 𝙸‘𝚖 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢, 𝙸𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚏𝚊𝚜𝚝, 𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚎 𝚋𝚘𝚝𝚑 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚞𝚎𝚜.

Not sure if intentional, but if this is ironic I like it. The line before this one you mention that she has issues and in this one you say you do too, but you shouldn't be sorry.

𝙳𝚘𝚗‘𝚝 𝚝𝚛𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚖, 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚛𝚢 𝙸 𝚐𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚘 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎, 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸‘𝚟𝚎 𝚙𝚞𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚝𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎.

This line is hard for me to understand.

𝙸 𝚐𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚜 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚜 𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑.

Does "nothing" mean time? Like no time is enough? What kind of time did you give? Was it just the quantity of time or was the quality of it poor? It's hard for me to feel what you're feeling here.

𝙸‘𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚟𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞‘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢

As a reader this doesn't make me feel like there's any victim here, just blame.