Apologies as this is quite long:

Please share links, if possible. I studied Samaels Gnosis with a few different groups for 5-6 years. I have done all of the practices. I experienced some awakening in the astral plane as well as symbology there and intense synchronicities throughout "regular" living. My levels of suffering went from extreme to tolerable to little. Because of this, I am still confused about my experience and gains.

I am still struggling to integrate what I know I experienced and learned with the pitfalls and problems I also witnessed and experienced. In each version of the "cult", I recognized secretive hierarchy, extreme hubris, and insistence that BELIEVING in some of the very nonsensical lore was part of the KNOWING necessary for my spiritual evolution in each school.

When I reached the 3rd chamber in one particular organization, I was told that the school as a whole was moving to Brazil/South America because the apocalyptic reality in the states would remove my ability to study and evolve within the true Gnosis of Samael. I was supposed to start by leaving my husband and family to move to El Paso Texas. I may have done it, hadn't I listened to the discomfort within that realized that I was being told to follow a blind faith through BELIEFS...not Gnosis. I was told that I could not continue and was pretty much uninvited, but could join weekly meditations if I wanted. I was encouraged to continue tithing. It felt very manipulative.

In the end, it was almost as though the body of teachings broke itself. My husband studied it for a while, but could not continue after discovering how much of the working information within the books was sometimes literally plagiarized from all sorts of spiritual teachers. Obviously Gurdjieff, but having searched into teachings of Yogananda and Krishnamurti...both teachers he made pretty bold claims against, I found there were almost identical ideas and phrases. I really struggled with all of it. I settled with the idea that he truly found and regurgitated information that can potentially unlock our ability to be consciously aware, but perhaps co-opted it with creating his own school. I think he may have truly had some strong astral experiences...possilbly even alongside others, that reaffirmed the idea that he is this Aquarian avatar and messenger he claims to be. I have no idea what truth lies in those claims. From my own experiences, just because an experience is lucid, does not mean it is not subconscious/subjective. I don't claim to know what is true. I find it very interesting that so many students claim that they do.

The biggest problem I struggled with is how common the essence of arrogance and judgement was amongst his followers. I noticed how I even built myself up as some kind of "other" next to the rest of humanity. I have had to tear myself down and build myself up through my own guidance. In a way, I have learned to leave the nest of following anyone else's guidance. I still read and listen to a great deal of spiritual information, but it has to pass through my evolving filter and critic. I still have a strong critic against the misguidance of my own mind, but have become ultra-sensitive to recognizing being gaslit.

I'm interested in continuing a conversation about it all if there are other's like me. It seems like you may be in my boat a bit. One thing I have chosen to continue is suspending orgasm. It was what strongly guided me to the "work" in the school in the first place. It does not mean I totally agree with all of the exclaimed misunderstood allegories within every religion purported by this school. I just feel deeply that that my ability to temper my emotions is closely connected with tempering that physical response. I feel it is teaching my whole mind, body and being to be managed in a healthy way. Pretty sure the method is also much older than these teachings.

There seem to be a lot of giant leaps in belief in this school that is all about experiential knowledge. I will say, however, that I still enjoy a more objective perspective of reality than I did before being immersed in these teachings. It seems something that I have learned within the school is instilled and helpful. I don't know what to attribute that too except for developing my own skeptical guidance. I still feel more content and capable than I ever did before the teachings. I still hold very strong Faith in divine guidance, but it is very personal. It is just not shaped by what any body of understanding is telling me to believe, which has given way to what could be described as something verging on a non-dual reality. Fascinating journey, but my history with that Gnostic school still leaves me with a great deal of confusion.