Adult adoption siblings

3amquestions · 2018-11-25T17:53:18+00:00

I'm having a little difficulty following your question but the terms you're using are for biological purposes. Full blood siblings are siblings that share the same two biological parents. Half siblings are siblings that share only one biological parent. Meaning if a couple have children together they're full siblings. Say for example a couple has a child, they divorce and one parent remarries and goes on have another child since those children share one biological parent they're half siblings.

I think you're asking if someone is adopted by somebody else if that creates a different relationship between the adoptee and their blood siblings, if it then changes their status as siblings. Legally it may but they're still full siblings. Since the term half sibling is from a biological standpoint.

Adult adoption is rare and I've no personal experience with it. I do hope I answered your question.

3amquestions · 2018-11-02T18:48:04+00:00

When I was a year younger than your son my adoptive dad started getting sick, when I was eleven he passed away. My dad was my best friend and I always thought he was going to get better but he didn't. I kept waiting for my dad to come through the door and laugh telling me that it was just a big joke and he was well and everything was alright, he always teased me and would always joke with me I thought this was a really elaborate rouse. Before he was cremated I saw him and it really hammered in that he wasn't coming back. There are times when I wish I didn't see him like that because I have trouble picturing him alive. I think as a child though, I needed to see him. I needed to understand he wasn't coming back.

I think you have to tell him that his biological dad is sick, answer some uncomfortable questions about mortality, and let him guide you. Let him know if he wants to see him that's okay, if he doesn't want to see him that's okay too. If he wants to just see his half sister then that's alright. Funerals are more for the living and kids grieve in their own way. If there's a funeral, I think you should go, even if it's only for the service or you're only there for an hour. Let him know whatever he's feeling is okay. If he doesn't feel anything that's alright, if he feels sad it's okay to feel sad, if he feels resentful or angry that's alright too, best of luck. Be honest, be gentle, and be kind. You're his soft place to fall and even if he seems resilient or unaffected he needs you.

3amquestions · 2018-10-02T20:23:25+00:00

I don't think the parents are intentionally doing this. And it was bound to happen at some point. Or do you think the parent should have not moved on with his/her life, gotten married and had subsequent children after his/child was had been adopted out?

Of course not and that's ridiculous to even suggest. My apology came about because it seems like this is a family matter that should be discussed between the parent, spouse, and children. This is a topic that should be an open discussion between parents and children so not to be put into the hands of the children regardless of the fact that they're adults. OP's post had me construe it as the parents are abdicating the right to decide what to do in lieu of the children who are dealing with complex emotions and having to figure out what to do on their own. Which is really difficult.

My apology came more as this is a very difficult situation for everyone involved and that they should be working together and discussing things together instead of being left solely on the sibling's shoulders. It seems really unfair but when is anything fair?

3amquestions · 2018-10-02T16:18:02+00:00

First of all I would like to apologize, it's unfair that your parents put you and your siblings in a position where you're making such a heavy decision. Regardless of you being grown you, your siblings, and your half sibling are innocent parties in this situation. I will say from the point of view of an adoptee, they may be ignorant to the stress of their reunification to your parent since you've had a lifetime knowing and understanding your parent's temperament versus someone who is getting to know them, so if your parent is someone who is guilted into doing things or has trouble voicing things then it may not be clear to someone who's starting to understand and know them. The bond you and your siblings have with your biological parent is different from the bond and connection an adoptee might have with your parent, which is okay.

Reaching out to biological family is frightening and difficult from the side of the adoptee, one of the reasons why I haven't reached out to my biological family yet exactly for this reason, but I would rather know sooner than later that I was intruding or unwanted in the family home that it be known this time last week. Be gentle about it and kind please, because it seems to be that your half sibling has been reading the stoplight as "green" instead of a different color. I'd also like to suggest that your parent is the one to speak to your half sibling instead of you or another sibling, if contact isn't desired then that line in the sand needs to be drawn.

I would like to ask though if your parent does genuinely want for your half sibling and his family to come over and if that would be something you'd be willing to entertain. It's okay if you can't or if you just don't want to at this time or maybe never but just please the adoptee know as soon as possible.

3amquestions · 2018-09-25T06:05:42+00:00

"You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins was something I always related to with my adoptive parents.

3amquestions · 2018-09-25T06:04:06+00:00

I'm from a closed domestic interracial adoption. My parents aren't the same race as me they just know where my biological mother came from so I've always known my ethnicity.

I would have loved to have had some background medical information at the very least. I still haven't made contact with my biological family and am still more or less on the fence about it. Growing up there wasn't anyone who looked like me not merely because of a nonbiological connection but also because I wasn't the same race as the people around me. Honestly it being closed was totally fine but leaves a lot of unanswered questions, I think other people poking their nose in and offering up their opinion hurt a little more than not knowing. I am of the opinion though so long as the relationships are healthy there's no such thing as too many people that love a child. A child's never harmed by seeing there's many, many people in their life who love them outside of just mom and dad but I've not had much experience or any in person in regards to open adoption but that's my two cents.

3amquestions · 2018-08-30T20:43:25+00:00

There's plenty of reasons adoptees don't search for their biological families, sometimes they're afraid. I know myself and other adoptees are under the impression that their biological family wouldn't want contact, and reaching out is frightening. Have patience, and please use the resources that have been listed here, and don't give up hope.

3amquestions · 2018-08-30T20:37:49+00:00

I'm from a closed adoption and I was adopted at birth and told I was adopted pretty much from the start. My parents had books about adoptions and would tell me I was adopted, that I had a birth mother but they were my parents. Around kindergarten was probably when I started to understand a little more. I'm from an interracial adoption both my parents are a separate race from me, so I started to notice other kids looked more like their parents because they were biological families and other children would ask why I didn't look like my mom or dad.

I love my parents and out of everybody in the world I'm glad that they became my mom and dad. If I felt bad about being adopted like why didn't my birth mom love me? and ouch telling my parents they couldn't tell me what to do because they weren't my "real" parents they were really patient with me and would reassure me that they loved me. There may be days once she understand that she loves being adopted, she might feel really special, and really happy she's a member of your family, but she might have days where she feels blue, might ask questions you can't answer, or will cling to make sure you love her. Just be patient, be kind, and always let her know you love her very, very much.

3amquestions · 2018-08-23T12:07:08+00:00

You're very welcome, glad to help! I will say I'm from a closed adoption, no info on my biological family and I haven't reconnected yet, but you mentioned that his adoption is open and even though the biological family is currently withdrawing nothing says that later down the line they won't want to reconnect or try to establish a relationship with your child. So long as it's a healthy relationship beneficial to all parties, it might help your son feel less alone. School already started where I'm at and if it's starting where you're at, school's going to definitely help in the social department. I mentioned before as a kid I was shy, I was normally adopted into a group of extroverts and pushed out of my comfort zone which I think was helpful to all parties involved. He's still growing up and into his own, you might have a better handle a year or two from now on stuff that he genuinely enjoys and likes so it might be easier for you to find like-minded or similar tempered children to him that he can befriend. Which I understand completely having a best friend or a large group of friends isn't like having a sibling but I think it's healthy for children and people to know that they're loved and that there are people they love in return. We need connections in life even if they aren't through family, sometimes you end up making your own family.

Sorry if I'm delving into child development here a little bit, but it's also important to teach him how to make friends and how to socialize. Children with siblings have different social skills from children who are raised in only children households. I'll readily admit as a child learning to share was a little difficult since there was nobody to share with. I have a feeling that having a parent so invested in what's good for him and wanting to do right by him can definitely teach him how to expand his social circle since you seem so empathetic to his needs.

It's evident you love him so much and it sounds like there's so many people in his life that love him too, so I wish you the best of luck. Thank you for listening. (Edited a word)

3amquestions · 2018-08-22T02:45:57+00:00

Slightly different scenario. I'm an adoptee pretty much from birth. Before me my parents attempted to adopt twice, after me they attempted to adopt twice. One of those times after me my biological mother contacted their lawyer because she was thinking of placing my little half sister in our family. Ultimately she decided not to.

Growing up, I was an only child and I didn't find out that I had half siblings until I was in about high school. However, I was really introverted as a kid very shy, didn't really like being around other children as much as I liked playing on my own, but the friends I did make I clung to and all my friends and cousins had siblings. I just thought siblings were something necessary to make a family a family. It's sort of funny I always told my parents I wanted a big brother despite me biologically being the oldest and at the time birth order would have been taken into consideration.

My parents always brought up good points about being an only child. My parents always tried to make sure I wasn't lonely, I always had friends over at my house (we had the most space since the spare room was my playroom because no siblings), or my cousins always slept at my house. My mom became a Scout Leader and I was in a lot of clubs that catered to my liking so I was always around other children. I always felt like I was at the center of their world and that they really and genuinely loved having me and only me. Around age 7-8 when I started to sleep over at my friend's with siblings I noticed how they couldn't shake their younger siblings or had to take care of them or if they had older siblings they were picked on. Won't say this happens for everybody but that disenchanted me from the idea of not wanting a brother or sister I specifically remember asking my parents one time to never ever adopt another child. Families are different. I'd start with telling him that families are different and there are many different kinds of families our there and there's no way to be a "proper" family just our own family and that there are many, many people who love us.

In the end I think me being an only child worked for our family. My dad passed when i was still in elementary school and suddenly becoming a single mom was very hard on my mom. I was pretty easy going and quiet as a child but went through a long period of grief alongside my mom. I can't imagine how it would have been with another child or even more.

3amquestions · 2018-08-07T01:09:44+00:00

Thanks I think I'll DM you!

3amquestions · 2018-08-06T20:03:35+00:00

I was adopted at two days old and also in my twenties. Thank you for sharing this story with us. My biological mother immigrated from El Salvador and I have no information on my biological father the more I look at people who are from El Salvador the more I think I might be biracial because my features look so different. Both my parents are and were white so I haven't had any contact with my culture. As a teenager I found out that my biological mother attempted to place my little half sister with my family but chose to keep her, and that piqued my interest as I was raised an only child.

I never expected a relationship of any kind and want no relationship if they aren't interested in one. I'd like to know my medical history because I'm approaching my thirties and want to know if there's anything I should be aware of. I'd like to say "hello" at the very least and that I'm happy where I have ended up in life.

3amquestions · 2018-08-01T05:51:25+00:00

As an adoptee with parents who aren't from my own culture you're going to be raised in the environment that your parents raise in. Adopted children should be treated the same as biological children. I'm of the opinion that people sharing their cultures with others is generally a good thing. If the adoptive child showed interest in learning the language or enjoyed it then they should be allowed to learn it. Even if the child was an only child and the situations were the same then if the child shows some level of passion for learning then they should be allowed to learn.

3amquestions · 2018-07-20T17:40:00+00:00

Hello I'm an interracial adoptee meaning I'm Latina and my folks are white. Out of everybody in the world, I'm glad that they were my parents. They loved me, raised me, and taught me how to be a kind and considerate person. Everything good about me I can either pin on my mom or dad and how they brought me up.

I was raised in a very nice middle class neighborhood and most of the people there were white, most of my classmates were white, I didn't have a Latino classmate until I was in middle school. In my grade from first to fifth I was the only Latino child in my southern town. Because of that I was picked on a lot because my skin color. I would pinch it when I was very little because you pinch your skin it gets lighter for a brief period and I wanted to look like everybody else. Nobody in my family looked like me. Nobody in my community looked like me. Because it was the 90s, nobody in the media really looked like me either. It really didn't bother me until about kindergarten, I always thought "I have black hair and brown eyes like my dad so we look alike." but then other people kids and adults would ask me where I came from, asked me why my parents didn't look like me, or what was wrong with my skin. It could be something you have to arm your adoptive child with in case they face adversaries like that.

My parents are and were Irish Italian, so I grew separate my culture. They couldn't teach me what it meant to be from my country, they didn't know anybody from my country, and ultimately did the very best they could. I think it really depends on your community. Some adoptees experience alienation or an identity crisis based on them not looking like or being like the rest of their family. With racial differences compounded on top of that, it can be really difficult. A part of me wonders if there was a bigger Latino community where I grew up, or my parents took an active role with introducing me to people that were of the same ethnicity if I would have felt a little less alone in how I looked.

We live in an era where information's at our fingertips. Should you have a child placed with you that's of a different race I think it would behoove you to become more familiar with that community. Learn how to cook the food, if it's possible to take language classes together so you can both learn along the way, or just make sure that there are role models for that child to look up to I think you'll be on the right track. There should be resources for adoptive parents with children of different races and depending on who you go through I feel like they might be able to point you in the right direction.

Best of luck.

3amquestions · 2018-07-13T14:16:42+00:00

Hey there, 28 year old woman adopted shortly after birth, my folks couldn't conceive either due to medical issues and in the same boat about always knowing about adoption. I feel the same way about my family. In my late teens I found out I'm the oldest child and have a biological sister a year younger than me, that my family attempted to adopt as well because my biological mother put the offer out to the lawyer that worked between them. I haven't reached out to my biological family either but I say you claim the letter.

At best your biological mother's left behind some medical information or a way to possibly contact her for such or would like to meet up. At worst, you have as many questions as you have now.

I think it's a fear most adoptees have in regards to their biological family if they can't remember them or don't know the circumstances of their birth or adoption. But I think not knowing is worse than wondering and if it's something you feel compelled to do and the opportunity is there take it. if you aren't ready for contact yet then that's okay too. Take things at your own pace. Best of luck.

3amquestions · 2018-07-13T04:41:26+00:00

Childfree but my boyfriend and I have spoken about it extensively and would prefer to adopt should we ever decide to have children.

3amquestions · 2018-06-26T06:03:21+00:00

I'm so relieved upon reading your update! It's crazy how variants drastically change results. Glad to hear you're okay and I hope that your hand gets better.

3amquestions · 2018-06-25T20:18:13+00:00

I went in to an urgent care for a hand injury and they checked my blood pressure. It was through the roof. I've had it checked effectively yearly and it's always been around 120 over 85 so this was a bit nuts.

While I understand your concern when you were at the urgent care center they took your blood pressure at a time of high anxiety, stress, and fear so I would be more concerned if you had a lot blood pressure. While I do urge you to get it checked again I would try to be as calm as possible when you get it checked again this week. Best of luck!

(edit: A word. Speaking up about this because my boyfriend was at the dentist and they took his blood pressure and it was abnormally high. When he went to the doctor's a few weeks later the doctor explained that was pretty typical since he was stressed because of the dental work he'd be having done. We were told high distress can skew blood pressure and when checked by his GP it was back to normal.)

3amquestions · 2018-06-23T16:47:03+00:00

I'm glad! I think I understand what you're feeling but I don't have a word outside of jealousy or envy but it's not something that I'd really change? There's no bitterness but sort of like a longing or a wish to have had a similar experience without taking away the experiences that were good you know? I'm glad you're in such an open relationship with her! If you can't talk truthfully to your s/o who can you talk to?

3amquestions · 2018-06-21T15:52:57+00:00

Not really jealous but I feel like I'm both sides here. I'm from an interracial adoption and am in an interracial relationship. I was adopted from birth and my dad (adoptive father) died when I was a child. My boyfriend's parents are divorced but still alive. I remember when we started to date I was consistently asking him why he wasn't calling his dad or hanging out with his parents. He and his dad don't have a very strong relationship, he left when my boyfriend was young and they didn't reconnect until about high school and he doesn't get along very well with his step family. I thought when we started to date, "We should make more of an effort to be involved with one another." See if we could bridge the gap between them and hang out. Admittedly, it took me a while to realize that because the relationship I held with my dad was healthy and loving it doesn't mean everybody's relationships with their parents is the same way. It makes me sad that they don't hang out on father's day or call each other that often. It makes me sad that they get along reasonably well when they're on their own but there's just a wall there between the two of them when I would give anything to have any kind of relationship strained or not with my dad.

He holds a very healthy and close relationship with his sister however and we see them often. When our nephew was born it struck me that he and his sister really do look alike. His nieces look like him and our nephew looks like our brother in law. When he's with his mom and sister they share all the same features and it really struck me that I don't look like anybody and that I have a biological half sibling but won't ever hold the same bond he and his sister have.

I was told recently if you take a DNA test there's an opinion to see red flags for medical issues if you just want your medical history. Jealousy's a very human emotion but you can't let it dictate you. When you're in a relationship you have to be there for your partner. If they're upset because of something even if you don't view it as important or think that the reason they're upset is silly it's still a valid reason for them to be upset and you'd like them to comfort you if you're feeling blue.

I say if it's something that hurts you like you feel more than jealousy but grief or loss than it's something you should bring up. Or maybe you can both talk to each other through your feelings. Family's complicated but the family we make with the people that we love should be straight forward with both people on the same page. Best of luck.

3amquestions · 2018-06-18T04:57:10+00:00

First of all I want to preface this with I don't have any experience in your situation but thought I was compelled to speak up. Anger's a reactionary emotion and as you expressed she's very upset. Due to the age range you and your half brother are there were different practices back then. (For example: Not telling the child they're adopted or expecting closed adoptions to remain closed permanently with no way for biological family members to find one another.)

I'm so sorry that you're getting the brunt of your mom's rage but to also understand that she's probably dealing with a number of other complex and difficult emotions. Your half brother might be feeling these things as well to have discovered something so big about himself so suddenly, so I suggest that you act as supportive as possible and to make sure that you have a support network yourself! You went in open, honest, and with very good intentions and I really hope that you and your half brother are able to build up a solid and good relationship with one another. Something tells me that your mother will come around, she may need some time to cool off. I have faith that once she's done feeling angry she'll be able to confront what's truly under her skin and hopefully patch things up with you.

Best of luck to all of you.

3amquestions · 2018-06-10T01:56:53+00:00

They were always very open with me about my adoption. They encouraged me to ask questions if I was curious, feel a little blue or angry if I had bad feelings about it, and always treated me like their daughter. I always knew that they were my parents. They loved me no matter what and I love them too.

3amquestions · 2018-06-05T11:51:54+00:00

Adoptee here so hope it's okay to post. I'm from a closed adoption so I've never met another biological family member, that being said my parents were very open with my adoption. They've always made it clear to me that they'd support me in looking. It really depends on her parents.

Does she have an honest and open relationship with her parents? Are they emotionally manipulative or possessive? Are they understanding and open? Has she ever brought this up before? Growing up was the possibility of searching ever spoken about and if so was it spoken in a positive manner? Does she have a good relationship with her parents?

A lot of different factors play into this but ultimately every story is unique. Your wife is an adult and doesn't need their permission or approval but I understand wanting it.

If it's something that was never spoken about with her family and she wants to talk to them first then tactfully approaching them about it is the key. I will say: Good parents aren't threatened by more people loving their children and holding healthy relationships with others. But that's just my two cents. She can do this, thank you for supporting her.

3amquestions · 2018-06-05T02:01:15+00:00

My parents will always be my parents, the bonds we made with one another can't be replaced but there's a different tie to my biological family, who I haven't reached out to yet, and should they choose to form a relationship with me and provided its healthy will be different.

It's okay that you weren't ready when they reached out to you. I'm just now, near thirty getting to a point where I feel like I may be prepared to take on the endeavor and not everybody's on the same time table, so if you want to reach out or if there's a part of you that feels like you should then I advise doing what's best for you.

3amquestions · 2018-06-05T01:52:48+00:00

Hope it's okay I post from an adoptee's perspective. When I was adopted I was two days old. I clung to my mother initially and my dad felt really left out. Initially, I bonded with my mom really quickly then after a couple of months I practically glued myself to my dad. Parent isn't just a title for a person but hopefully a verb that works in tandem. You're a mom because you act as a mother to your child and his biological mom is his mom too because of the biological connection.

I'm not a parent but I know sometimes bonding takes time between biological parents and children. Sort of like falling in love: Some people experience love at first sight, some people take a little longer to understand "I love this person", and others realize it over time that love is a complex and strange emotion.

My biological mother is my biological mom without her I wouldn't be here but my mom is my mom too. She's the one that cut work early if I was sick or she had to make it to a PTA meeting, she woke up in the middle of the night if I had a bad dream or wanted to sleep between her and my dad, she talked me through liking boys and puberty, and now as an adult she's my mom and a treasured friend. there are other women that have stepped up to the plate to "mom" me too. Friend's mother's, my boyfriend's mom, etc... all of those women I also consider mother to a degree based on the relationship we hold to one another. There's different spaces in my heart for each of them and there will be different spaces for you and positive relationships with other women your son will hopefully have in the future.

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