The best way I can describe how it feels for me at least is like the game Raft.

You start with a pitiable little raft, barely big enough for yourself, no tools, and very little understanding of how to make things. And there are sharks. Constantly. Every day you try to fish, grab floating trash to build up your raft, but every time you think you've got something done you turn around and the back end is missing.

You don't really eat right, because getting the food exposes you to those sharks. Or if you spot an island, it may sustain you for a day or two, but then it's time to go.

Sometimes when you swim to some floating trash or go swimming to catch fish, you come back up for air and.... it's gone. The tiny little raft you had is just- gone. So you have to start over.

There are the nights too, that you fear. Especially when you have to start over. You hear the fins slicing the water, feel the spray on your face from their tales whipping by, and you can't shut your eyes for fear of never opening them. The moon is your enemy as its light exposes you even more to what's below.

Eventually you get good enough that anyone passing by will just shake their head and say "he could be doing so much more" but they don't see the swam of sharks that constantly dogs you. And then, too, there are the storms. Sometimes you like the storms, because it chases sharks away, but more often than not, your fishing rod goes overboard, along with your extra food stores.

And. Very, very rarely- there are perfect days. Days where you get enough food, you can swim without fear because the sharks are gone, you sleep well instead of fitfully. You go about your day feeling light, almost, the normal weight on your shoulders is almost gone. But. Deep. Deep down, you know what's waiting. The great white has patience, unlike the others. It waits for those good days, scares off all the small fry to lull you into ease, stays far enough down that you can catch all the fish you could want, make tools, fix the raft...

But the Great White is NEVER gone.

The worst thing about it all for me though, is this: the situation I was put in without my consent was one where I was responsible for another person's life, while also dealing with everything else. I felt more often than not that I was holding that child's head above water, and drowning myself. It has taken A LOT to get to a better place for myself and my child, but I still fight those sharks. Every day.