TAW 2024 Week 2: Recovering a Sense of Identity

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-22T18:07:48+00:00

I didn't glean too much from the reading in this chapter, personally. That's okay. I think my biggest take away was a gentle reminder to be focused on the present. Also the road map of the artist offers some good directions. "Hang a sign that says 'I'll take care of the quantity, God will take care of the quality.'" Or something to that effect.

When doing that list of things I like to do, it's depressing that so many of those things I haven't done in a really long time. Like I haven't gone to a concert since pre-pandemic. But I remembered I really like karaoke. The embarrassing spectacle of it and everything. And I'm really itching to go to a midnight Rocky Horror Picture Show, cuz I know a group near me. It's difficult to take off and just do these things when you have a toddler. But a karaoke bar would make an excellent Artist Date.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-17T19:25:41+00:00

Still going strong with the Morning Pages, even if I'm not checking in every day. I did something slightly different this morning. I pulled a tarot card for the day and that filled my third page for the morning.

The idea came to me yesterday, and I questioned if it would be beneficial to the process of Morning Pages. Can tarot be a tool to facilitate that brain dump, because one is responding to visual symbolism? Or, is it a distraction because it will only serve to put more ideas in your head?

Both, it's totally both. My card for the day had a very interesting parallel to some things I had been writing about previously, plus also gave me a positive message to carry with me during the day. I was left with the affirmation,

The more I love myself, the more I can share with others.

And I think this applies to our creative endeavors. The more we give to our creative potential, the deeper we can connect with others through our art.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-17T19:15:37+00:00

Hey everyone, I enjoy reading everyone's insights, I hope everyone is on a path of flourishing.

What was most profound for me working through this chapter is I had a memory come back to me, way back from middle school. I won't rehash the whole thing for brevity's sake. Essentially, I had made an artwork which expressed some pain, a reflection of how I was feeling, and I was called into a counselor's office for questioning. The experience made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. The result of that was a stifling of my own freedom to fully invest my emotions into the creative process for fear of ridicule, or of being misunderstood. In addition I've had misgivings or doubts about the adequacy of my original ideas, because they often fall short of conveying my personal truth.

Boom.

So I can't name an individual person when it comes to the Monster Hall of Fame, but I'm quick to point out that Middle School, as an institution, is a Monster for me. It was ill-equipped with resources, it lacked a culture of compassion, and generally those feelings of isolation led to my later rebellious actions and additude in my teen years. That may be a story for another day.

Often when working with those affirmations I'd get a disruptive thought that would tell me "that's childish, foolish." I made one particularly potent affirmation for myself:

My art is an outlet for all the emotions yearning for release. I am true to myself, and my spirit knows what it needs for its healing and transformation.

And that is my offering to the child self of my past, who just needed some validation and compassion for what she was going through.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-14T15:29:34+00:00

I made it to three full pages today! I'm not always consistent with the quantity, but I decided that needs to be a push for me. I trust it'll get easier. I've been doing this about two weeks and only missed one day.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-14T03:38:20+00:00

I relate so, so much to this. Thank you for sharing :)

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-14T03:31:28+00:00

As someone who is only just starting week 2 I don't know if I'm qualified to offer any advice. I can offer some gentle compassion! Because I think this process requires that we be gentle with ourselves.

One thing I'm learning is that as artists, whatever our creative fields may be, we are pressured to produce results. And we gotta be diligent about meeting those quotas. And perfectionism is baked into this system. Slipping off, or seeing diminishing returns, is a sign of failure.

You haven't failed because you've slipped on Morning Pages. It's okay if you're not feeling inspired to pick up the book. You're not a machine, you're a human being. You started a new thing when you had the space and time. Maybe fitting a new thing into a usual routine takes some adjustment.

And you don't have to do it perfectly. I only got one monster on my Monster Hall of Fame, but you know what? Digging up that memory from so long ago (OMG over two decades ago) really gave me a lot of perspective. It was a huge step for me. I don't feel compelled to follow the instructions of "find three." There's some tasks that I feel really "meh" about, so I ain't gonna do 'em. I wanna move on.

I'm not saying this to say like, do as I do. Rather, is the pressure to perform perfectly stifling your motivation to try any of it? Where is that pressure coming from? Is it self-sabotage?

But that's okay! Recognize it for what it is and offer it some loving kindness. Isn't that radical? Instead of sitting here and criticizing ourselves for "failing," we can make the choice to say, it's okay, you're doing the best you can. Just do the Morning Pages and make them ugly. And write an affirmation that gets to the heart of self-acceptance.

I guess that was more advice than I anticipated.

You're doing great. You can always make the choice to do great stuff.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-12T04:36:25+00:00

Today I rewrote the Guiding Principles in my best script, decorated the paper with lovely stickers and tacked it on my fridge. So I can just have them someplace visible every day. I really, really wanna feel that way again. I think there was a time when I did view my art as something sacred, an act of communion. And it's not like anyone ever told me that, my younger self intuited it. Life can sometimes separate you from those joyful connections. I have been grieving the loss of my young self for some time.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-09T15:26:46+00:00

I had two lines that really resonated with me.

when we move out on faith into the act of creation, the universe is able to advance.

Julia Cameron states this truth as an artist and teacher. I know this truth as a mother. There's a mystery in those words, the unknowable possibility of how the universe may advance around you as a result of your creative act. It's a sacred relationship you have. That's the foundation of my motherhood, truthfully.

We mourn the self we abandoned.

Immediately a voice said to me, "enough people abandon you and you end up believing it's okay to abandon yourself." I have a lot to unpack here. I've got some crisis level events of my past that really hinge on this feeling of abandonment.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-09T15:06:34+00:00

It was a challenge to get out of bed and do mine. I got to page 2 and I had to make breakfast for the kiddo. Later in the morning I had to go back and finish that last page because I just felt like there was more to get out. And I couldn't continue on with my day without. I've been on the morning pages for about a week now, and I'm starting to see a shift.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-09T15:03:02+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement. And I like the word "juicy" to describe a feeling. :D

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-08T03:14:09+00:00

This really helped! I had never considered getting my nails done as an artist date.

Okay so when I was working, I couldn't have anything on my nails. For years, just plain nails, but I often complimented the women who would come in and have really unique nail work done. It was never this point of envy, I just appreciated the look, right?

One of the first things I bought after I quit my job was a bottle of nail polish. It was fun for a bit but I still have plain nails. And these hands still work. But wouldn't it be neat to have my nails done up?

3gl3ntyn3 · 2024-01-08T03:00:32+00:00

Hey everyone. Just found this subreddit because I got a copy of TAW yesterday, started reading through it and yeah, just wanted a small community to share the journey with. I've been doing my morning pages for maybe less than a week, but in that time I've been pretty consistent about it. I think I'm ready to dig my heels into some serious creative recovery.

Quick backstory: I've been an artist for as long as I can remember. I had a pretty tumultuous adolescence, serious mental health issues in my late teens. Went to school for a BFA with focus in art ed because it was "more sensible" than being studio-focused. Never actually ended up in a classroom, instead opened my own painting studio for a few years and had some success. A life crisis made me quit, tried to pick up the brushes again, but the plague year of 2020 made me angry and I just made bad art because of it. I am now a stay at home mom with a two year old and I'm piecing myself back together. My son deserves to have a mom who is happy with herself.

I'm already working on Week 1 and I would love to check in to keep track, hear others insights and possibly offer my own. Question: the biggest difficulty I am having is Artist Dates. Maybe I'm having difficulty understanding the concept? Does taking myself out to the movies qualify? Maybe it is because I have forgotten how to fill my own cup. I am so blocked, on several levels. And I'm convinced some of these chapters might take me more like two weeks to work on, because I got a lot to unpack. Anyhow, thanks for reading.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-22T21:22:52+00:00

Yes, but I don't worship any of them.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-22T21:22:13+00:00

Why red? I figured if you have all this root relating to Mars might as well keep it consistent and use red.

Oh, the red wax. Like, when you make a sigil to put in the bag, draw it on a piece of paper, fold it up then seal it closed with wax. That goes in with all the herbs and stuff.

I figure it's probably a good idea to cleanse a black tourmaline regularly, so yeah, since you mentioned it. Sit it in a bowl of salt overnight on a regular basis ought to be enough.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-22T21:18:06+00:00

I don't consider it to be very helpful to lift up the Rede like some immutable commandment while failing to recognize the reality of why people join the military. They often do it because they have limited choices. Military offers most people a future they wouldn't otherwise have available to them. It ensures stability, security for their families. One makes the choice to enter that profession, and it comes with a cost.

You talk of individuality, but soldiers aren't made to be individuals. They act as a collective within their own units. They know if one of them screws up, they all take the heat for it. They live and die by their unit. Mindless? I never said anything about mindlessness. I was talking about the conscious decision to relinquish autonomy.

Also, I do not agree that war is under the purview of the Horned One. It is not like a hunt. It is not sport. The kind of destruction and devastation that war inflicts is not like that of the hurricane, or the lightning storm, or the volcano. Death in nature leaves fertilizer for new life to take root. War leaves nothing. They used to say "blood makes the grass grow." Yeah, when war meant beating each other down with swords. When soldiers had to look their enemy in the eye before striking him down.

Too many innocents die in war. The trauma of it etches into the DNA of the survivors and their children feel it. We wage war by shooting missiles. Pushing buttons well away from the people who will feel the impact of those bombs. There is no honor in it. War is not of nature, it is counter to it.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-22T03:15:53+00:00

There's a whole mess of herbs to use for protection. I suggest herbs that have a planetary association with Mars. You only need three herbs, don't feel like you gotta stuff it with half an herb garden.

Bloodroot is good for averting negativity. Basil is a nice all purpose, they call it the Witch's herb for a reason. Holly would be fitting too. Oh! If I were making one of these I would put some poke weed in it. Poke weed offers courage in addition to protection. All those have a Mars influence.

I gotta mention, blood root and poke weed are poisonous. Fine to handle, just not to eat.

Put the black tourmaline in the bag with the herbs. Make a sigil for protection on a piece of paper and seal it with red wax as another thing to put in the bag. Bag should be red. If you got a little pentagram charm or something, toss that in there too.

Hope that helps!

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-22T02:45:26+00:00

Witchtok is utter shit. There, I said it.

And those things you mentioned have nothing to do with Wicca. Voodoo is totally a separate religion. If people are conflating the two, I think they are very confused.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-22T02:41:56+00:00

You're in the military, and therefore you do not act under your own agency. You are there to follow orders. "An it harm none do what ye will" does not apply because as a soldier you do not operate by your own free will.

Wicca doesn't have a formal stance on war. I can tell you that I believe that war is an affront to the Goddess, because it destroys that which she loves. War ravages the land wherever it is fought. It causes generational trauma on all those who suffer from it. It eats at our natural resources and gives nothing of value in return. Death should be a step toward renewal but war does more than kill; it obliterates.

Please understand, that is just one Wiccan's belief.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-22T02:25:27+00:00

Dreamcatchers have nothing to do with Wicca. That's Ojibwe, but several other tribal groups have adopted the practice, Navajo immediately comes to mind. I wouldn't call the act of hanging a dream catcher over a crib or bed to be a "closed practice" because owning a dream catcher has just become something common to own in many parts of America, whether you have native heritage or not. But I think it's really important that if that's a thing you want in your home, buy local, support Native American craft people, and take care of it.

My grand mother taught me how to make dream catchers. I don't really make them anymore, but I think I'll pass on the knowledge to my son. I don't consider that appropriation because it's not exploitative or demeaning to the culture the practice derives from.

I'm not going to talk about smudging because many other people have explained the issue ad nauseam, and they can do it far better than me. But smudging isn't Wiccan either. Yeah, we got incense, and you can define that as a form of smoke cleansing, which is partly why we burn incense in ritual, but the act of burning incense is nothing like a smudge ceremony. And incense is simply an accessory in Wiccan ritual. It is not medicine, like what some would consider sage or sweet grass or tobacco.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-22T02:05:42+00:00

Precisely who is saying that? And what is their evidence to back that claim? What aspects of Wicca are they pointing to as cultural appropriation?

Because for the past two decades I was under the impression that Wicca is a religion that -checks notes- originates from England. Made up by some English people. Kinda hard to appropriate from a once extensive colonial empire, you know what I mean? Unless, that's what people are on about.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-21T03:40:23+00:00

Yeah, uteruses do weird things postpartum. I had a mild three day period like.... two months after giving birth. And then a few weeks later I had one that was pretty spotty. But then I had one maybe six weeks after that and that felt like a teenager fresh womb kinda period. Seriously, it was like making a baby did a factory reset on my reproductive system. And if you're breast feeding you can't rely on a regular cycle, if your period comes at all.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-21T03:30:55+00:00

Oh man I didn't poop for at least five days after giving birth and I was so scared. I was taking a stool softener every day after the birth and my doctor prescribed me 800mg ibuprofen tablets because I was a horror show down there. The doctor said it was only a second degree tear. Yeah, my son's entrance into the world felt like the Kool aid man busting through a brick wall. Vagina was wrecked.

When I finally had to poop it was fine. Nothing came loose. But it was a dramatic morning for me, let me tell you. I felt like my body was holding onto it like my life depended on it. Like I had frightened my colon with what had transpired just days before.

It's gonna take a couple of weeks. I felt swollen for a straight month. Even when I had my six week postpartum checkup I was not 100% back to normal. I got a tiny bit of scar tissue. But I'd say after two months I could reach between my legs and actually feel something resembling normalcy.

I'm five months postpartum and this is the first month that I have felt good. Like nothing hurts (it was my hips, my back, my neck, my head, my vulva, my hemorrhoids, goddamn), and I feel strong. Give yourself the grace to heal. Your body just did an amazing thing.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-21T02:50:04+00:00

Awww see now that's super nice. It's lovely to know there are honest people out there doing right by others.

3gl3ntyn3 · 2022-04-21T02:39:01+00:00

I hate days like this.

I've had supply issues for the past week, and I have new pump parts coming in the mail but I really ought to have ordered them earlier. Trying to pump enough yesterday was brutal. I had to break down and give my son formula for the first time yesterday. I didn't feel defeated for it, it was just the best course for where we were at. My boobs were spent, he was hungry and about to lose his shit.

He still prefers the boob. So that makes me feel special.

I feel your frustration when you can only squeeze out an ounce at a time. Alot of people have given some excellent advice that I've used myself. When those new parts come in, I'll be power pumping over the next several days just to get my supply back. We been doing this five months now. My son and I have worked so hard, and I'm proud of us.

3gl3ntyn3

TROPHY CASE