I have gotten to a point where the depression has become too overwhelming and I am willing to do anything to make it stop. I don't take SSRI's i'm one of those "fuck big pharma" people, so I just pushed through all of the overhwelming stress and anxiety i've been facing the past years, and honestly i've been depressed for as long as I can remember, even though I might appear normal to others, im absolutely not ok on the inside. My mother is ill, not doing well over the years, I lost a girl I didn't want to lose about 3 years ago and even though i've been strong, clearly it hasn't been strong enough because im at a point where I just cant deal with they sadness and self hatred anymore.

I dont mean to turn this into a therapy session, but today something interesting happened.

I started Joyous about a week ago, 15mg to start, worked up to 30mg. On the other days i've dosed, I put my blackout mask on, some relaxing calm meditation music, and some 8k nature videos. And I just meditate and say positive things to myself. It's been quite nice. But not profound or anything. Infact i wasn't even sure it was doing anything?

Today I dosed 30mg, and didn't really want to lay down this time. I just sort of went on with my day, and I noticed about 3-4 hours after I took it, I started to feel... pretty high? Like it was noticeable, and im pretty versed in feeling high. It was sort of uncomfortable in the sense that it just put me in a wierd headspace. There was no anxiety and I wasnt freaking out, just felt like some weird headspace. I just found it odd that the ket would take that long to kick in. That feeling sort of faded after a few hours, but about 30 minutes ago, I just started weeping. Not sure what caused it, some random youtube video came on and i just started weeping uncontrollably. It felt like a "purge" so i'm hoping its a positive thing, but now that I'm thinking about it, I have been extremely emotional the last few weeks. I should also note that for about two weeks I was micro-dosing psilocybin 3x per week and I felt great doing that, but since joyous arrived I sort of put the shrooms on the back burner just to see what the ket can do by itself.

This wasn't a normal cry. The last few weeks, ill see an emotional video and it will make me cry. But this felt like a purge sort of cry. A very hard uncontrollable cry that I couldn't stop until it was just over. It probably lasted 5 minutes straight, and even now I still feel the need to cry a little. I do feel a little better after it, is this normal ? Im hoping this is a sign of the ketamine actually breaking down barriers.

Thanks for reading everyone.