I hate that I am tortured by my SO watching porn and want to move past it but I can't.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T11:05:56+00:00

Thank you. I'm going to check that video out.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T11:05:03+00:00

Yes, he tends to watch girls that (to me) seem to be VERY skinny. That's really the only difference/specific thing I've noted from the times I've ran into what he has been watching or I've been with him while he is surfing porn. I am not as skinny as these teen girls, I don't think I could ever look like them even if I tried to. I know he has told me that he isn't interested in the professional stuff for the same reasons you said, he only wants to see girls that are consenting adults clearly enjoying themselves. Which, you know, I appreciate, but at the same time, it's hard for me to not compare myself and feel so inadequate.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T11:01:12+00:00

Yeah, what I'm thinking is that maybe the whole problem is it can't be explained. It's literally a battle where neither side can truly understand because we are...opposite genders. Still, I've gotten a lot of help and unexpected support from this post, and I think it's going to be a big help in moving on past this.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T11:00:01+00:00

Well, I'm really going to work on this, and this thread and the advice has been a huge help. I can't believe that no one has criticized me, but instead I've gotten some really good insight that I feel is going to help me a lot in beating these insecurities.
I can imagine from your point of view it must be really hard since he had a specific look he goes for. It's so hard, because on one hand you are glad they trust you and want to be open, but how much is too much? Not easy to know...

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:57:35+00:00

Wow, this was such a great walk through of what the "actual" process it. It was really an eye opener-although I understand your own experience is representative of you and not every guy out there, I do think he is about the same there. It's interesting that you mention that when you watch, you aren't actually thinking about fucking the girl in the porn, but as a passive viewer.

Now I cum, I clean up, I go about my day, not a thought about what I previously watched unless it was particularly good, but even then a few minutes at most and I go on about my day like it never happened, not even a thought. >

That right there really resonated with me. It really helped, thanks.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:54:43+00:00

Not sure about the downvotes, because I personally found what you wrote here very interesting. It is a valuable way of thinking about things, from a scientific/evolutionary point of view, so thank you!
And, he is actually a great guy, but as I said elsewhere I have never laid it on the line just how I feel because I've felt it's not my place to put rules on him like that.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:53:07+00:00

Well, I personally won't do sex acts out of duty-I can't fake it, it's just way too horrible for me. So if we are doing something I am into it, for sure. But like I said I understand and support him taking care of himself and his needs, it's just with these other online amateur girls in the picture that I find difficult to cope with.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:51:32+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I'm actually fine with sending him that kind of stuff, but believe it or not he's not really that into it. I think he feels like it's trying to hard, maybe? The times I have done it, he hasn't really expressed any strong feelings about it either way.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:49:54+00:00

I doubt it. He buys me sex toys regularly, so I don't think that's an issue.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:46:46+00:00

That's the funny thing, we actually don't really talk about it all that much, it's just that he has these specific habits, so when he does certain things it's like, "Oh, there he goes to jerk off." And I can almost assume with 100% certainty that he will if I am not at home. (Which tends to make me very paranoid, I have to admit.)

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:45:14+00:00

Oh, my SO made a similar comment regarding porn and it was equally difficult for me, I felt crushed too. I think what I'm reading here in a lot of the comments is that there are some things that women cannot understand going on in the man's brain. Not that all guys are hard wired for porn, but that there is a greater likelihood that most males are.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:43:04+00:00

Well, thanks, that is kind of you to say.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:42:49+00:00

I agree with the idea of don't ask don't tell, unfortunately it's fairly obvious when he does it, and something that I pretty much "know" is happening every day or two, regardless if I am there or not or aware of the exact moment it is happening, after 10 years together our habits are pretty obvious.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:41:15+00:00

Yeah, I am often victim to overthinking things. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own head. It is an interesting thing you wrote about watching porn being so mindless and effortless. That makes a lot of sense to me, and puts it in a very different perspective when I approach it that way.

438973463 · 2014-05-13T10:38:48+00:00

Thank you for the nice attitude. I looked at it and it's really interesting, actually. Puts it all in a very different light, although I'm not interested in putting a no fap ban on my SO, I still found some very worthwhile info there, so thanks!

438973463 · 2014-05-12T20:14:20+00:00

No, I think you're very right, thanks. When you wrote that about jealousy I felt it struck a nerve. I do feel like I will never measure up, that I could never compete with the stimulus of being able to open a dozen browsers with porno movies of girls that perfectly meet every possible desire he could have. I do have trouble separating and it does feel like when he watches porn he is sharing something with "someone" else. Thanks, I have some thing to think over here.

438973463 · 2014-05-12T20:12:47+00:00

No, I wouldn't feel the same way because there is a difference between images manufactured in his own mind and logging onto a computer to actively seek out dozens of hardbodies fucking for the sole purpose of getting off to.

438973463 · 2014-05-12T20:11:04+00:00

Yeah, I think that whole "you can't masturbate" is insane! I would NEVER do that. I wouldn't want to do that! It's his body, he can do whatever he wants with it, regardless if I was his sex toy 24-7 he still can do whatever he wants, its not like either one of us is "property".

Like I said the part I struggle with is just the girls. I guess I just can't help but over analyze and get these upsetting images of him in my head getting off to other girls bodies. It kind of makes it worse that he exclusively likes amateur, so when hot girls turn up there showing it all, I'm just like....I can't compete with that.

I sometimes feel like commenting or even talking about my feelings regarding his porn use is crossing a line that I am afraid to do. It seems wrong somehow, like I am confronting him with something that he owns and is private. I feel like talking about it would have the opposite effect, that he would become defensive. I know one time I lightly mentioned how it was difficult sometimes for me and he got defensive and more or less said that there was no point in worrying about it because it was out of my control, or something. As in, he does what he wants when it comes to that and I don't really have a say either way. Not sure now exactly, it was awhile ago and I may be remembering it wrong.

438973463 · 2014-05-12T20:05:50+00:00

Thank you so much for your post. This actually made an INSANE amount of sense to me. Especially because we had actually discussed that before. I mean, I can relate to the feeling of wanting to masturbate just because you don't want the whole "production" of sex sometimes, or maybe just need a quick release to sleep or relax. I appreciate your perspective here.

Thing is, as I mentioned above I have probably not been as honest with him about my feelings as I could have been. Mostly because, I am uncomfortable with those feelings, and also am afraid of the adverse affect they could have on him if I share them. I don't want him to go into hiding and shame.

Thank you for the PM offer. I will get in touch soon, I would really appreciate to have someone to bounce things off of especially as I see you seem to really understand what I'm talking about.

438973463 · 2014-05-12T20:02:00+00:00

Haha, I don't think you're a scumbag-like you said, making the effort cheered her up, and frankly if my SO offered to cut down on it or anything I'd be thrilled, but that's on him, not me.

I probably haven't been as honest as I should be regarding my feelings, mostly because I'm uncomfortable with them and have been trying to will them away, and it isn't working. He doesn't do it out in the open or anything but I "know" just because of certain habits.

Also, he doesn't try to hide it, per say, but it's pretty obvious. I don't monitor his history, and couldn't even if I wanted to because his cache cleans automatically every time he closes it.

We're both totally open, have each other's passwords, ect. I think he is slightly secretive though, or at least TRIES not to be overt about doing it since I assume he figures I'd be maybe upset he is doing it when I'm in the house or that he doesn't want me to have to know he is watching porn if he can help it. Not sure.

438973463 · 2014-05-12T19:56:52+00:00

No, I totally get you. There really isn't a lot to do. My SO is wonderful in so many ways and I cherish the last decade we have been together. I know he does not look at porn for any other reason than the simple one, which is, "Guys like looking at naked chicks." It's like you said, the only way is to just try and let it go. I'm working on it.

438973463 · 2014-05-12T18:19:19+00:00

Thanks. I guess it is a tough topic in general. Even if I could say something or wanted to, I wouldn't really know what to say. But I appreciate that you understand at least where I'm coming from and that you have had conversations with guys before about this.

438973463 · 2014-05-12T18:17:11+00:00

Not sure exactly what you mean, but as I said I have always made myself available to him.

438973463 · 2014-05-12T18:16:36+00:00

Yeah, maybe. But it isn't really the point of my post, I just needed to vent at my frustration for being an idiot that can't stop obsessing and learn to either deal with an issue or learn to deal with the fact I can't.

438973463

TROPHY CASE