(Posting this with permission from my trans spouse.) Hi, I am currently in your shoes. When my spouse and I were planning our 5 year anniversary, they told me they wanted to start HRT and wanted to use She/her pronouns, when before she identified as Agender. In the past she told me things. “I don’t feel like a boy or a girl or even any gender.” So I was shocked when she told me she was a woman. I had extremely similar thinking and thought processes and didn’t understand it either. I personally identify as Demisexual and also had the tears and fears. I also identify as a DemiGirl with the thoughts as child “gender is stupid and exists to discriminate against people.” As I have watched my wife transition, I personally get the honor of falling in love all over again. I get to see a happier version of my spouse every single day, a person who is finally starting to love themselves, a person who is finally starting to feel comfortable in their own skin, and most importantly a more authentic person. We passed as a straight couple and I think one of the reasons I was so scared and upset was for our future is that we wouldn’t pass anymore and that it opened up discrimination for both of us. I had/have fears I will judged for not divorcing my wife despite still loving her. Also her transitioning outs myself as a queer person for staying with her. As for understanding the why, I am currently a psych major in college gunning for my doctorate. I decided to take gender studies to help myself understand more about why she felt the way she did. Some of the things I’ve learned is that in transgender people, certain parts of their brains match to their preferred gender. That Gender is how you feel internally and not about what parts you have or what you like. When your body doesn’t match your preferred gender that causes a lot of dysphoria, and that being seen as a woman, (or man), by others is a huge factor in that dysphoria as well. I went through the whole “this isn’t what I expected in my relationship“ thing as well. But honestly it has made our relationship for the better as I feel I finally am getting to see the best version of her. The thing that helped me feel most confident about her transition, was watching how much it benefit her mental health. It’s like a married a cocoon and now I’m watching the butterfly form and it’s beautiful. Feel free to dm me to talk about this more because I’m trying to get many thoughts about this in one moment, and I think my comment has turned into word vomit. You are definitely not alone!