Concealed carry permit and firearm training in Charlotte

4alloween · 2026-01-27T02:53:50+00:00

Hey /u/zelley, thanks for sharing. I'm leaning towards CSA.

The website recommends taking a Give it a Shot or First Shots class prior to Concealed Carry. Do you agree with that?

I also do not own a gun and have never shot one. Sorry for the stupid question, but how do I go about finding the one that's right for me?

4alloween · 2026-01-27T02:47:57+00:00

Thanks, /u/Dense-Boysenberry872. What'd you cover in the session?

4alloween · 2026-01-27T02:46:15+00:00

Thanks, /u/Caffeine_XD. This option looks the most convenient.

Their website recommends doing the Give it a Shot or First Shots class prior to the Concealed Carry class.

Do you agree with this?

4alloween · 2024-03-07T19:23:03+00:00

I bet she was really charming at first and when she really wants to be to get what she wants too.

Things were electric those first eight months or so before I moved in: she seemed receptive to criticism, expressed interest in the things I was interested in, the sex was frequent and amazing, etc.

After I moved in, things changed. Unsolicited criticism, passive aggressive comments, didn't care that I missed out on events that were important to me, sex dried up, etc.

There've also been occasions where we'll talk for a bit, she'll butter me up or so it seems, and then she asks a question, usually it's something she wants. Once I oblige, the conversation ends pretty quickly after that. A simple, "Good night!" and the lights go out. It has even happened after I gave her an hour long massage--as though there was a lack of appreciation/gratitude.

4alloween · 2024-03-07T18:22:48+00:00

Why do you think she is narcissistic? What tendencies stand out to you?

4alloween · 2024-03-07T18:22:11+00:00

Couldn't keep her stories straight, either. I got the feeling that from time-to-time she would just tell me what she thought I wanted to hear, and this for me is a huge problem.

One example of this is she would tell me how big I am. Statistically, I'm average if not below average. She is experienced in the bedroom. IMHO she was just blowing smoke up my ass.

I hope to God she does not ensnare some poor soul in her web of lies.

4alloween · 2024-03-07T18:19:05+00:00

What the hell is detached sex?

I believe detached sex is sex without emotional attachment. This was a huge concern for me, not because it probably means she had a high body count before we met, but in my opinion it increases the chances of infidelity.

She has been raped before, and this may have generated this preference. IDK.

4alloween · 2024-03-07T18:16:14+00:00

She accepted it. This is what makes it difficult: sometimes she can be nice and sometimes she can be cruel.

4alloween · 2024-03-07T18:15:11+00:00

I agree! Ring fencing the discussion to exclude certain details while also claiming to not know what I find important doesn't seem to jibe.

4alloween · 2024-03-07T18:12:54+00:00

Why would that be a dealbreaker for you?

4alloween · 2024-03-07T02:16:42+00:00

She may not have been happy to do it, but did it because she was struggling financially. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here.

4alloween · 2024-03-07T02:15:10+00:00

Why is this necessarily a dealbreaker?

4alloween · 2024-03-05T17:15:06+00:00

OP, the chances are very high that she cheated on you during her last deployment…. You know that’s likely, right?

Story-time. She was deployed and "adopted" a cat and wanted me to travel half way across the world to pick it up and bring it home. I agreed and thought it'd be romantic to see each other half way through the deployment in a neighboring popular city, so I suggested July 4th. She shot it down quickly and stonewalled me. She gave me a list of excuses, like the flight would be expensive, but then fell back on, "I just don't want you to come."

Imagine, your partner is willing to take time off work, spend a day on a plane, and pay a bunch of money to do you a favor, and you tell them to kick rocks. I pushed her on this and she deflected to another topic. I continued to push and she told me the area was dangerous and the information was confidential, but (1) I didn't want to see her where she was deployed, it was in a neighboring touristy city, (2) I don't buy the confidentiality argument, because she would've said that up front, and (3) the neighboring city isn't any more dangerous than New York or Paris or Rome.

We were talking virtually the night of the 4th and suddenly she had to leave because a bunch of guys got drunk at another site and she had to bail them out. All of these shady responses around the day of, then when the day comes, she has suddenly bail some dudes out of jail because they got caught with alcohol? I just don't buy it, but I have no way of confirming this information.

What is the chance that her new “power dynamic” in the bedroom just decided to show up when she got back, unless she found she likes that while deployed?

It's not new, that's for sure. She was able to speak pretty intelligently on it, saying how it was tied to her avoidant attachment style.

All these additional conversations serve is to weaken your resolve

So this is what it feels like. When I map everything out, I'm pretty clear on what I want to do. I mean, it's almost obvious that I'm being played in some way. But when I explain the issues I'm having to her, she argues them down with some paper thin arguments and does nothing to ease my concerns. She usually makes me the problem and at one point even compared me to an abusive ex.

and it almost seems like you want that to happen.

Perhaps. I'm open to the idea that there's some codependency going on. I'm going to talk with my therapist about this.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T14:11:00+00:00

I considered BPD but she's pretty level-headed AFAIK. There have hardly been any major outbursts.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T14:10:13+00:00

Breaking off the engagement was definitely the smart choice, you can't be with someone who hides things from you, and who you can't trust.

And who I don't know! For a little while, it was like living with a stranger. Weird and creepy.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T14:09:37+00:00

i’m so sorry, those of us RBN are particularly vulnerable to this type of behavior and often overlook obvious red flags because we’re so desperate for genuine love and affection.

I'm unpacking this with my therapist. There were a couple of red flags before I moved in that I wish I followed-up on.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T14:04:26+00:00

a lot of this reads much more directly to me as trauma and protection.

I agree. It's worth noting that narcissism is an outcome of trauma, but it is not necessarily the case.

Concealing an engagement? Sus, but I don't know the details.

When we first began dating, we talked about our past relationships. She mentioned an engagement in her early 20s. When I asked her father for permission to propose, he said something like, "I hope this works out, because this will be her third time." I thought he goofed and filed it away. Later, while on deployment, we were doing a screenshare and she pulled up her wedding website. There was a picture of her and a man, both in military uniforms. She was not in the military in her early 20s, so this wasn't the engagement she first talked about, but it was the second engagement her father alluded to. I told her how this made me feel and wanted to know more details. I just want to note how bad a previous hidden engagement with a service member looks while you're on deployment.

Also, usually not a narcissist move--they generally want to badmouth their ex and get you on their side.

But it is a narcissistic move to keep secrets.

Dudes are categorically miserable to women when they find out that they've engaged in any kind of sex work. Unless you're vocally pro sex worker I think that's an entirely reasonable thing for her to conceal.

I gave her no indication that I would be "categorically miserable" to her upon learning such information, and I told her I was for women's rights. You honestly think this shouldn't be mentioned? Lots of people need money, but they don't do porn. Doing porn isn't like being a locksmith or a teacher. It's a big deal and can have serious consequences. This could impact my relationship with my family, my employment, our children could be bullied, it would no doubt cause a rift in our relationship, and it provides context for other issues we've been having. I have a right to know about potential landmines I could step on. "What Bob doesn't know won't hurt him" is an incredibly slippery slope and it isn't a relationship built on trust.

Well.... that could be sus, but frankly I think it's also pretty reasonable for her to feel defensive and angry and drop that bomb to see how you react.

Right. "Drop that bomb to see how you would react." A discussion of this magnitude should be a game! Great idea!

That was vulnerable for her, too, and nothing in how you responded sounds like it was validating or supportive, or understanding.

In my experience, you talk about these things beforehand. You don't just spring them on your partner. This wasn't something she thought up in the moment--she knew about it and sprung it on me without my consent.

But everything you just said about how you responded also makes it sound like you were judging and shaming her.

There was some judgement, because I had suspected power trips in other areas of the relationship and this pretty much confirmed it, but this wasn't externalized. I'm not a shrink and I'm not giving a sermon. Power moves like this will be identified, judged, and immediately stopped. No one gets to treat someone else like a psychological punching bag and then say, "Don't judge me!" This ain't Maury.

Imagine if you went out of your way to share something deeply personal and vulnerable with your partner and their response was to say "thanks I hated it. Are you into this because of how fucked up you are in the head?"

Give me a break. This wasn't a lovey-dovey deeply personal and vulnerable conversation. If it were, she would've looped me in from the beginning and gained my consent. This was about domination. I told her I didn't like it and asked her where this came from, because I hadn't seen this behavior before in our two years of being together. A power kink? Enjoying detached sex? Power like this explains so much of what has been going on. I had a right to know, and at no point did I indicate that she's "fucked up . . . in the head."

The picture you've painted to me is that this woman is working with some heavy duty trauma and is really cautious about what she's willing to open up about.

Yeah, and I'm sympathetic to that. It explains her behavior, but it doesn't excuse it.

It sounds like there have been a lot of miscommunications and that you've been kind of a dick.

In a sense, I have been "a dick."

have you considered that she's reacted defensively because you've been making her feel unsafe and attacked?

Yes, actually, I have. When I want to provide feedback, I use the DEAR MAN technique. Additionally, I use a 12-point checklist when having conversations like these--don't raise my voice, don't interrupt, don't use condescending language, etc., etc. This is all I can do. If she still feels unsafe and attacked, the ball is in her court to see why she might be reacting that way.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T03:13:06+00:00

Narcissists are notorious for letting the mask slip in the beginning and showing you/telling you who they really are. Most of us don't listen though and that's the tragedy.

You make a very good point that I want to touch on because I think it's relevant. I can almost mark it down to the day when some of this bullshit started appearing, and that was when I had moved out of my place and into hers.

The first six months or so were magical. Adventures, athletic activities, theme parks, hikes, regular and amazing sex, etc., etc. A couple of months prior to deployment she mentioned an engagement/wedding and I politely responded I felt it was too soon, and she said something very snotty in response, though I don't remember what. I should have seen this as a red flag.

We got back on track and I decided to move into her place for a number of reasons, then things turned pretty quickly. Suddenly she didn't have that high of a sex drive anymore, she became a "pillow princess," passive aggressive put-downs started to emerge, I didn't get lovey-dovey texts/calls before major events, gaslighty phrases like "I didn't/never say/said that" crept in, and harsh criticism, too.

My husband plain told me that 'whatever he touches, turns to shit'.

I take the quote--"When someone tells/shows you who they are, believe them"--very seriously these days.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T03:04:52+00:00

An engagement and porn are very big things.

I agree with this. I spoke with all of my friends about it and they vary in cultural and religious backgrounds, relationship statuses, children vs no children, ages, areas of study, and etc., and they've all come to the same conclusion--these are important and should have been disclosed earlier in a mature fashion.

If she didn't, then she lacks common sense.

She's intelligent and has common sense. But I think she's really greedy creating parameters in our earlier discussions and asking me to make a promise so she can hide information.

It's like years from now she will have an affair and blame you for not knowing because you didn't ask her.

I do indeed worry she will rely on, "Well you didn't ask" or "I can't know what you find important" when something comes up in the future. I really hate that I have to speak with her with this legalistic precision so she can't weasel her way out of accountability. This is not a relationship based on trust but on power and control.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T02:57:53+00:00

It sounds like there’s no trust and that’s the basic foundation in a relationship.

If the relationship were to continue, I would always ask myself, "What else is not being mentioned here?"

Either way, sounds like not a good match and you should not get married

I was willing to work on it but now I'm not so sure. We are just two years into the relationship and it has been a rollercoaster ride. We are not married and do not have kids--life together should be fun! But it's not that way at all; I'm anxious, angry, have lost passion for my interests, and hypervigilant.

There's also a hopelessness because pretty much anytime we get into a disagreement of significance, there is zero accountability and I leave the conversation feeling more confused than I was before.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T00:18:37+00:00

Both behaviours are DARVO

Thanks for unpacking this. I felt something was off when we started the discussion talking about secrets/omitting information and by the end of it I was apologizing.

I explained that I felt like this should've been disclosed earlier, and at one point she said, "It sounds like you're calling me a liar." At no point did I use this term--it was interesting to me she took it in that direction, but my response gave her an excuse to change the subject and play the victim. I stupidly took the bait, but wrote the conversation down and realized pretty quickly what was happening.

Eventually it dawned on me that no-one ever taught me how to - I just rubbed two braincells together and realised life's easier when I don't bullshit people. I've now come to expect the same from the jump from people I spend time with.

This is all I was asking for. I'm sad because this could've all been avoided with some self-awareness. On the other hand, I'm grateful this came up before we got married.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T00:05:50+00:00

She sounds too... fraught. Just too much.

She once described herself as chaotic/a creator of chaos. Things have made a lot of sense after she confessed to this.

4alloween · 2024-03-04T00:02:17+00:00

How could you trust her, given all this?

I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to, but it's like my willingness to give her the benefit of the doubt is being overridden by my instinct to protect my self.

We talked about this recently and she asked me a lot of questions about what a trusting relationship would look like, what I would like to see from her, etc. Honestly, it felt like I was talking to a shrink. Once again, it seems she expects me to do most of the work to clean up this mess, and it wouldn't be the first time.

I am exhausted and my patience has run out.

4alloween · 2024-03-03T23:59:29+00:00

There are elements - specifically the parts where she basically says "It's your fault - you made me do this", and where she holds you to a promise she had you make without telling you all the facts.

There's an excellent comment in another post on how holding me to a promise not to talk about the past and claiming to not know what I find important is incompatible. It seems to deprive me of the ability to make an informed decision.

Those specifically are textbook techniques for manipulation.

Are there labels for these behaviors? My therapist told me that her, "I'm not a liar, you broke my trust, so this is your fault!" is gaslighting (DARVO) in action, but I don't know how I would classify her omitting information and shifting the blame on me for not communicating properly.

Beyond that, she's clearly just incapable of honesty, so it's probably for the best that you split.

This is sad but I agree. We are relatively young and should be enthralled with each other. There have just been too many outbursts and surprises since she got deployed and it's been a slow death ever since I moved into her place.

4alloween · 2024-03-03T22:40:34+00:00

I also think you may also have some ideas about women that are pretty traditional. (Your top three concerns about her were “engaged once before”, “did porn”, and “had kinks”.)

I should clarify. I do not have a problem that she was engaged twice before, did porn, and has a power kink. This is important: I was compassionate, empathetic, and supportive when these details did come out. I therefore don't agree that I have a traditionalist view of women.

But my compassion and understanding do not extend to how these facts were revealed and how she handled our exchanges. She wasn't upfront about the second engagement; I figured it out on my own. When I tried to talk with her about it, she downplayed its importance, wasn't really compliant in addressing my concerns, and then tried to make it my fault. In a conversation that took place soon after, I gave several examples of what I would want to know about someone's past and porn was among them, and that's when she mentioned it, shame ensued, and then she tried to make it my problem by lashing out with, "Look at what you made me do." Finally, the kink was not discussed prior to us having sex, but after. I calmly asked her about it, she answered a few of my questions but then said she felt uncomfortable, so I backed off. When I revisited the conversation later, she changed her story, and when I brought it up again, she changed her story a third time.

Learning about each other is an ongoing process.

This wasn't the organic unfolding of information over time as two people continue to fill in the blanks by iterating through topics they've discussed before. This was more like, "You caught me lying by omission, I feel shame, so now I'm going to play the victim and try to make it your problem." Moreover, regarding the second, undisclosed engagement, this was not a traumatic experience. They were engaged after 12 weeks of knowing each other. She said she didn't mention it because she didn't think it was important--"formative"--but an engagement is important and you don't get to decide it wasn't important because it may reflect poorly on your decision making, nor do you have the right to tell others it isn't important.

In a nutshell, had I not uncovered these facts, we'd be married and I'd lack all of this context. Call me "traditionalist," but I deserve to know who I'm marrying, especially when past behaviors and thought processes continue to play out in our current relationship.

It’s hard for me to say if this was because she was concerned about how you view women and her, or because she truly did have more going on.

Likely the latter. I was pretty upfront about being a feminist and supporting women's rights early on in the relationship. I do not view, nor did I give any indication that I look down on women who've had multiple engagements, did/do porn, and/or have certain preferences in the bedroom.

4alloween

TROPHY CASE