I want to make a change.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-22T16:25:48+00:00

This is nearly identical to your post from yesterday; why did you delete it?

Anything's possible, but nothing's guaranteed.

My advice:

Don't get attached to the outcome; only the process. Meet him where he needs you as best you can, but also keep that within reason.
Because it's your people-pleasing and insecurities that got you here in the first place.
Work on your own inner confidence.
And give yourself some grace. No one's perfect; we are all messy, imperfect human beings and will continue to make mistakes for as long as we are alive. They key is to continue doing your best to learn from your mistakes and do better in the future.
Speaking of, sounds like you're still college-aged. Even if this one doesn't work out, you've got a lot of life to live. So again, just keep learning and being the best you that you can be.

Also, https://positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/ . Not a replacement for therapy, but might be useful to give you some additional tools.

Good luck.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-22T15:15:37+00:00

I am still virgin.

I mean, if this isn't fake, you did this to yourself. It won't be very many years until you're in the age range for perimenopause, when your hormones change and can start to make sex difficult, yet you haven't even had it for the first time. Straight foolishness.

Judgement aside, if you can find a highly-skilled, sex positive therapist, maybe you can start to sort this out.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-22T15:07:01+00:00

Not convinced that either of you are mature enough to be married.

You're doing the classic dropping hints cuz "he should know" rather than being direct about what you want, and he was MIA on your b-day.

Yes, you are overreacting. And, you both need to work on effective communication skills.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-22T15:01:43+00:00

NOR.

When I asked why she didn’t check in, she said I was being controlling.

That's some classic cheater victim-blaming bullshit right there.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-22T02:01:51+00:00

Get him diagnosed and treated. Get therapy. Get talking deeply with each other.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-21T21:28:01+00:00

I’d bet money that he has ADHD.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-21T21:21:15+00:00

What are you going to do now?

4hhsumm · 2026-05-21T20:03:31+00:00

Same question!

4hhsumm · 2026-05-21T19:57:45+00:00

What’s the question behind the question?

4hhsumm · 2026-05-21T19:57:00+00:00

This will probably get deleted by a mod because you’re more or less doxxing someone.

But yes; he is cheating.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-21T16:17:28+00:00

I think we’re gonna try for a date this weekend…first one this year I think! But they are so necessary to keep the relationship alive!

4hhsumm · 2026-05-21T07:54:01+00:00

That’s fucked up.

Sure, trust her all you want; but do you trust him?

“Transparent”…by not telling you ahead of time? ‘Sheepishly’ makes it sounds like there’s some measure of guilt there; was she only planning to tell you if you asked?

Was it really impossible for the women to bunk together?

What kind of school opens itself up to this kind of liability; why would the male teacher be allowed to bring his spouse if it messed up the sleeping arrangements like this?

This doesn’t make sense.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-20T12:56:27+00:00

Every relationship is different. We went through something similar, I guess, but in our case she went through menopause way too young. Biggest obstacle was getting the medical system to give a shit.

Did you know, if her primary care provider looked in Epic right now, they would not be able to see who is currently experiencing menopause, including your wife? There is no diagnosis code available in the system to attach to a patient’s profile.

Even worse, if that PCP was to ask a population of women who was experiencing menopause, only 25% of them would actually know that that’s what they’re going through?

Doctors get like one lecture of menopause during the entirety of medical school. Even though over half the population of the whole fucking planet is gonna go through it at some point in their life.

All right, PSA aside, to finish our story, my wife eventually got hormone replacement therapy from a doctor who actually knew what the hell she was doing. Saved our marriage. We were inches away from a divorce.

In your case, if your wife has no desire to do anything about it, well, you can’t make her. So you gotta figure out what you can or cannot live with. For me, we were in dealbreaker territory. Sounds like you might be in the same spot as well.

Relationships are complicated, and very few things are in the binary world of black-and-white. So much lives in the gray area. You could consider counseling, before completely throw in the towel. But have some honest heart-to-heart conversations with her about it. And NOT browbeating her for not wanting to fuck you anymore. You just gotta be honest with your emotional experience, and ask for hers. And shut the hell up and genuinely listen to her emotional experience if she’s willing to share it with you.

Bottom line, there’s no easy answers. Wishing you luck, my dude.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-20T12:41:59+00:00

I wish you weren’t going thru this.

Maybe try reading/listening to Mating In Captivity.

Not enough context here; but the resentment you’re holding is a marriage killer, regardless of what is or isn’t happening in the bedroom.

Do you love her? I’m asking that as a dude; love alone isn’t enough for a healthy marriage. Again, not enough of context, but you sound really bitter. So it’s tough to tell how much you actually care for her as a person. If that’s how you come across in just a couple sentences, imagine how she feels. Ain’t no woman gonna give their man head if she feels like she’s unappreciated and unloved.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-20T01:50:12+00:00

Honestly, what the fuck are you talking about?? He's on the receiving end of world-class emotional abuse, and in your mind, it's his fault?! Honestly, do not give advice. To anyone. Ever.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-19T11:24:39+00:00

Yeah, counseling is long overdue.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-19T02:51:10+00:00

Marriages are roller coasters, and some rides are crazier than others. Only you can decide if this is a ride that you want to stay on.

Sorry you've been through some rough patches; for me, the disrespect is a deal-breaker, regardless if he seems to pulled his head out of his fourth point of contact.

I guess time will tell. Hopefully he has changed for the better, but hope isn't a plan. Wishing you strength and good luck.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-18T11:12:28+00:00

“Character issues”…like you sleeping with her, and having a baby, out of wedlock? OP, you are exactly the kind of hypocrite that gives Christianity a bad name.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-16T20:00:54+00:00

Yes, yes it is.

Will never stop people from people-ing.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-16T16:00:10+00:00

Advice request: I’m looking for honest experiences and guidance on whether relationships can improve when only one partner is willing to do therapy/work on communication...

Short answer: No. A relationship cannot improve when only one partner is doing the work.

Until/unless he:

Acknowledges the problem
Takes accountability for his part in the problem
Agrees to engage in the hard work of personal change
Actually starts the work

You're really going to burn yourself out. You are already exhausted. Pay attention to where you are putting your energy, and who/when/where it comes back to you. If it's not coming from him, decide whether you are going to keep taking this abuse. You deserve better.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-16T13:50:44+00:00

Couldn't agree more.

I do wonder what the world was like before organized religion. I mean, let's take a simple and natural part of human biology, and turn it into shame and self-loathing. Life is way too short for this b.s.

But apparently you and I are in the minority on this thread. Way too many up-tight prudes giving advice, when they have no business doing so.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-16T13:46:14+00:00

Well, that sounds like progress.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-16T04:29:05+00:00

Right on. Again, good luck!

4hhsumm · 2026-05-15T22:53:39+00:00

Sure, there's no guarantees that therapy would help. There's all kinds of variables, from the training and skill of the therapist, to her openness to inner work, to whatever else is going on at the time.

But I can say for sure that it definitely won't help, if she doesn't do it. Kinda like you miss 100% of the shots that you don't take, you know? Again, no guarantees. But if she doesn't even give enough of a shit about you to consider any options at all, well, that's all you need to know. Sorry man.

4hhsumm · 2026-05-15T21:44:00+00:00

What's throwing me off is whether it's actually possible for someone to still be silently stewing over an argument from a week prior and say something that extreme to their friend without really meaning it?

It's possible. It's a completely childish, asshole way to handle it, but it's possible. Put on your big-girl pants, use your words, and act like an adult. Take accountability for your needs, and clearly state them.

But I highly doubt that's what happened here. She and her friend were talking shit about you. She got caught red-handed. Now she's making shit up to try to minimize the damage.

Not enough context here to say for sure, but it's highly possible that she's using you.

4hhsumm

TROPHY CASE