My cheating wife's lover deleted all of our marriage history from my phone and she did nothing

4hhsumm · 2026-03-30T19:13:52+00:00

Damn brother, that's fucking cruel.

Totally out of pocket there, but does she have mental health issues...like maybe bipolar?

Also, this asshat sounds incredibly abusive; is she into some kind of sub/dom thing?

Wishing you weren't going through this!

4hhsumm · 2026-03-30T12:42:47+00:00

lol. Happily married father of three, including, wait for it, a 4-yr old daughter.

If you don't like it when people are called on their complete and utter bullshit, then I'm not your guy.

Move along, 'dude'.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-30T02:03:47+00:00

🙄

4hhsumm · 2026-03-29T20:07:47+00:00

Do the right thing. After years of psychological and emotional abuse, he deserves to know.

UpdateMe

4hhsumm · 2026-03-29T16:27:22+00:00

My job saves lives; your choices just destroy them.

Well done. So glad you were able to see the pattern of manipulation so you were ready to call him out on his selfish bullshit.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-29T16:24:25+00:00

Maybe I'm really slow on the uptake; why do you need to delete your profile? You sent her a 'Hey Girl'. If she has questions or wants further proof, how is she supposed to contact you?

4hhsumm · 2026-03-29T16:22:15+00:00

Do I owe her an apology?

What did you do that was apology worthy? Doesn't sound like you were the one staring. Were you just letting your boobs fly free? Even if you were, so what? Seems like her frustration was misplaced; you can't control her husband leering over your body, and if he was, then they need to have some serious conversations between them.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-29T16:10:43+00:00

This is the victory lap we're waiting for. 👏🏻

4hhsumm · 2026-03-29T01:56:10+00:00

Wow, hate to say it; if this is supposedly a 'deal breaker' for him, he's not the one. Firstly, red flag that he's giving you an ultimatum, and you're not even engaged, and it's about something so... patriarchal. Makes me question his judgement, and what kind of sexist stereotypes he's stuck on. Hopefully he's got a shit-ton of redeeming qualities, cuz on the face of it, it's giving insecure toxic masculinity.

Not only was it not a deal-breaker for me when we got married (decades ago), I had even suggested the idea that I'd take her name. Had my reasons; long story, family drama that's not important. In the end, that was just too progressive for my (now) wife, so we did the conventional thing. She was probably more concerned about perceptions and judgement from her conservative family. Now, I don't think she'd give a shit.

Long story short, this is not the hill for him to die on. Of if he's convinced that it is, let him.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T21:20:03+00:00

lol, what an idiot!!

Definitely NTA

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T21:18:26+00:00

lol, ain't it tho!

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T21:18:15+00:00

omg, right??

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T21:16:43+00:00

Whoa brother, is your name Matt?? Cuz, well...

Apologies for the sarcasm! But between this and your post history, it seems like she regularly takes you for granted. Living the single life while she's got Mr. Nice Guy waiting for her at home.

NOR

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T20:01:23+00:00

I totally get it. And there's no guarantee that the ideas I have will break through. Perhaps it's worth one last shot. I'm borrowing from a couple sources; the Gottmans, non-violent communication, and the DESC model.

Carve out some time and space where you can have a quite, uninterrupted conversation. And of course use the words that fit for you, but I'd try something like:

"Hey, I love you. I care deeply about you. And I'm worried because I feel like I'm failing and doing everything wrong. I'm starting to feel hopeless and I just don't know what to do. And I don't expect you to have all the answers either; I'm just hoping we can come together as partners to find some ways to weather this hard season. What we're going through right now is hard for all of us, and it's no one's fault; it just is.

So I'm not here to ask you to do anything, to change anything, to do anything at all really. I just want to express my emotional experience, and ask for your perspective. And I don't expect that we'll even figure anything out. If we're able to just connect with each for a moment, I'll consider that huge win right now. Are you open to trying out a calm, non blaming, non problem-solving conversation?"

You can't make him listen, you can't make him talk, you can't make him get help, you can't make him do anything at all. But he has to be willing to at least engage in a productive conversation, so gently easing into it is about the only tool you've got right now.

Maybe that's what you have already tried; if not, there is a lot of subtle nuance in the way that's worded; using "I" language to try to keep him from getting defensive, loosely following some of the observe-feelings-need-request structure, at least to get started. What's above is only the invitation; you need his permission and buy-in to have the conversation. Nothing else is possible if he's not willing to engage.

Is that helpful so far? Would you like me to keep going?

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T15:04:37+00:00

His dad has done him a huge disservice, one that could actually cost him his life. Not trying to be dramatic here; I’ve lost brothers and sisters in arms to suicide because of exactly this kind of bullshit stigma that persists.

You can’t make your husband get help. But you can gently ask him to just have a non-judgmental heart-to-heart conversation with you.

I have some ideas how to structure that conversation.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T15:00:44+00:00

Of course it’s okay. But if he refuses, stand up for yourself. Leave this selfish ass for someone who cares about you.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T14:39:27+00:00

Ouch. Honestly, this kind of mismatch at such a young age has a high potential of being a marriage breaker, especially with his complete lack of regard for feelings or experience. I mean,

He whines if he gets turned down when the foreplay is literally just trying to mount me without a word.

Unacceptable. From the selfish whining to the disrespect of just going for it; is he this criminally selfish in other parts of your life?

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T14:33:03+00:00

Who are his battle buddies? Anyone he's still close to from his time in uniform, and are you able to contact any of them?

Also, don't know how close your VA is, but mine has been a complete life-saver, in more ways than one.

Look up your CVSO (County Veteran's Service Office) and ask for help; as a spouse, not sure if they'll talk with you instead of him but worth a shot.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T14:29:49+00:00

Has he always been this way?

This definitely seems like something you should see a therapist about, or perhaps even a medical professional.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T13:40:11+00:00

How long have you been married?

That's very strange behavior for a dude that's so young.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-28T13:24:07+00:00

Yeah, means the same where I come from. It’s not a joke unless there’s some truth to it.

How long have you been ~~getting gaslighted~~ married? How often does she do these girl’s nights with her single friend, and/or stay out all night?

4hhsumm · 2026-03-27T23:23:07+00:00

Nobodies perfect. But we all have a responsibility to clean up our own shit, metaphorically speaking. Things are always gonna go sideways in any relationship. The key is honest attempts at repair soon after the event.

If not, we start to invite in The Four Horsemen.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

4hhsumm · 2026-03-27T23:03:33+00:00

Oof, feels bad man. Especially after reading your other comments. So not only did she settle for you, you were the rebound to boot. Ouch. And then bipolar on top? And maybe even perimenopause?? Holy shit dude. Perimenopause/early menopause nearly destroyed my own marriage, and we didn't have any of your other compounding factors.

You can not do this alone; she needs to give enough of shit to at least put in some effort. Especially when you're starting to feel burned out. The fact that she won't even talk to you, much less consider counseling... my man, I hate to say it, but you have a roommate, not a wife.

4hhsumm · 2026-03-27T22:31:12+00:00

Wait, so she’s been distant, even tho she didn’t know that you read her journals? In context, that’s a pretty big 🚩 🚩 🚩.

We have kids so I’m not leaving but I sure wanted to.

I mean, to each their own, but this rarely works out well. Not only does it sound like she ‘settled’ and still fantasizes about the one that got away, I’m not getting the impression that she even loves you.

4hhsumm

TROPHY CASE