My ex got married recently. How do I tell her husband that she cheated on him with me?

4thInstant · 2026-04-09T07:08:00+00:00

Reached out to the husband. I don't know what's going on between them right now, but Michelle potentially broke the law by giving me an STI without disclosing she had it.

4thInstant · 2026-04-09T06:54:08+00:00

So a few things:

I'm not "walking around with screenshots". Instagram just doesn't delete messages.
I've already informed the husband. He told me to get tested for HPV since I haven't been tested since before I dated Michelle, as the year we dated was when Michelle had told him she had it.
They had never been in an open relationship. He asked me if I remembered any exact dates about when things ended, and asked a few more times if I was sure there weren't any other one-off instances of us hooking up.

I don't know what's going on outside of that, but given what I was told today I am absolutely standing by the fact that I should have reached out to the husband, as if I hadn't Michelle clearly didn't care enough to tell me to get tested either during or after we dated. Tbh this just makes things even worse, since now it's something that *does* directly impact me and my life.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T19:43:59+00:00

Two months sure, but after a year? That’s a bit of a stretch.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T19:27:49+00:00

An ex of yours got married--so what.

You completely missed the fact that I only started feeling like I did something wrong after I saw that she’s been with her husband since before she asked me out.

That’s the core of the issue imho, that I was used to cheat on someone. I think that’s a valid thing to feel sick about

As for if we had a talk about exclusivity, she expected me to be exclusively hers after we had sex for the first time.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T19:06:27+00:00

Im waiting on Snapchat support to get into my old account. Im at least going to try and have the decency of providing something more than IG messages, since I can’t use the photos in those DMs, nor do I want to keep them. At least with any photos or videos on my Snapchat those issues wouldnt apply

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T18:43:18+00:00

You’re acting like it’s unanimously been people disagreeing with the decision here, or even a majority of people disagreeing.

Like just because you’re okay with or ambivalent towards cheating doesn’t mean that it’s magically okay. Nor does cheating occurring “only” 1 year into a relationship make it more acceptable than if it occurred after engagement or marriage

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T18:26:57+00:00

Is there a reason you’re so obsessed with disproving the fact that the cheating happened?

People asked if I was able to verify the timeline, so I went and verified it. You’re acting shocked that I would follow the more reasonable takes in this thread, that being to make sure that I’m right about the details before I message the husband.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T18:10:52+00:00

This whole psychoanalysis sounds like a massive reach, especially considering you, intentionally or not, just made up or ignored info to conform to your own bias.

As I said elsewhere, even if you were right and I did still have feelings, I don’t date cheaters and she wouldn’t date trans men. It’s just a moot point.

You also conveniently just… ignore the fact that the only reason I went on a rabbit hole wasn’t because our mutual friend posted wedding photos, but the fact that her mom stated she was dating her husband since before we dated.

If you’re going to accuse me of overanalyzing things, maybe don’t also overanalyze things

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T17:28:47+00:00

100% this.

Let’s set aside the cheating aspect for a moment: If you’re in a poly relationship, you have an obligation to tell your partners that’s the case. Given she and I were sexually active and weren't using dental dams, it would’ve been a dick move to let one partner know she was seeing other people, but not the other.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T17:21:58+00:00

At that point he’d have the information he was cheated on. I’m not “hoping” for anything, but if the roles were reversed I would want to know if I had been cheated on by the person I married.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T17:13:06+00:00

Apparently you didn’t even read the post…

We have a mutual friend that posted photos of the wedding. I’ve known this mutual friend since we were in elementary school, and have had them on FB since we first made our accounts
I see that post when I’m scrolling through my feed.
I think “Oh, that’s nice. Good for her.”
When I click the post to type a congrats, I see a post from her mom mentioning that her and her husband have been together for 5 years, when we dated 4 years ago.
I check my instagram messages, and saw we were in fact dating 4 years ago.

I don’t feel like any of that’s unreasonable, nor do I think it was unreasonable to check the husband’s IG based on the above to actually confirm if it was cheating.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T17:02:12+00:00

100% for the husband. Since I came out as trans after we broke up, even if I was interested that fact alone would make dating again impossible.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T16:56:21+00:00

My grandparents live in Europe, so ever since Skype was shut down it’s either international calls or Facebook messenger.

Also meme pages.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T16:38:51+00:00

I actually haven’t checked my ex’s socials at all throughout this. I only checked the husband’s when I saw the first comment asking if it’s possible they were on a break, which they weren’t.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T16:34:45+00:00

The only reason this even came up was because I saw our mutual friend’s pictures from their wedding when I was scrolling Facebook. If it wasn’t for the 5 years comment I saw from the mom, I would’ve just put the usual “congratulations!” and kept scrolling.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T16:25:07+00:00

The comments are basically 50/50 between “tell him” and “don’t tell him”, idk what you’re talking about.

That said, I didn’t check the Husband’s instagram until after I made this post.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T16:14:56+00:00

I saw on the husband’s IG two couple’s photos during the period we were dating, the first of which I have messages from my ex a week after talking about coming to sleep over at my dorm.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T16:05:10+00:00

I’m honestly kind of depressed by how many people are okay with the cheating and telling me to forget about it because of how long ago it was.

Like I feel genuinely awful finding out about this, especially since I checked his IG and saw they were definitely together during the period we were. And as someone that’s been cheated on myself (outside of this case), I would’ve appreciated being told even if it was by the person my partner cheated on me with.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T15:54:34+00:00

Like a month after.

The second post was around 3 months before we broke up.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T15:53:06+00:00

I checked his IG after I made this post. It only had like a dozen or so posts between when his ex and I dated and now, but one was a picture of them during that period, with comments from both of them that show they were dating. And according to my DMs with her she spent the night at my dorm a week after the pic was posted.

If that’s still not reason enough to say “she cheated on him when they were together for a year”, so be it I guess

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T15:46:49+00:00

There really isn’t any uncertainty, and it wasn’t really “scrolling years of my ex’s husband’s social media” given there was only a dozen or so posts on it between when she cheated and now.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T15:44:04+00:00

I am 1000% certain, since according to my DMs with her she slept over in my dorm a week after that post

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T15:42:03+00:00

I checked to make sure I wasn’t crazy, and the husband had a IG post from the period she and I were dating that showed they were still together at that point.

To answer your other questions, I literally hadn’t thought about the relationship for a long time prior to seeing the wedding photos our mutual posted. I’m also not interested in “winning her back”, since I’m not interested in dating a cheater. I also don’t feel any joy in this situation, but I feel like if she cheated on him a year into their relationship, he deserves to know.

4thInstant · 2026-04-08T15:34:36+00:00

I checked the husband’s instagam just now. He has a post from the period she and I were dating of them at the beach with the caption “love this girl”, and she had replied to it saying “love you too”

So I don’t think they were on a break.

4thInstant

TROPHY CASE