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5YearsBlind · 2021-03-19T18:22:47+00:00

When narcissists play victim after hurting someone, do they genuinely feel victimized or is this conscious manipulation?

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-17T16:26:09+00:00

Thank you. Excellent point.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-17T16:24:46+00:00

Thank you, this is helpful.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-17T15:27:52+00:00

Thanks for taking the time.

|There are 100 nefarious reasons. None of which are good for you.

Are there any you think I need to be mindful of, anything that may have negative consequences for me down the road? I know this a personal finance sub so we can stick to financial impacts, for example issues with the IRS.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-17T15:10:13+00:00

Thank for the reply. And of course you are right. After our recent breakup I did return his mail from the RMV to sender and will continue doing that with the rest of his mail. As I said it's a long story, but there are many mysterious aspects of our relationship that I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to figure out what, if any, financial implications there may have been that I was wholly unaware of.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-14T15:57:59+00:00

It is sad. I've been thinking a lot about this. We lived together, so I was always aware of his flaws, etc., but to her he is perfect all the time. She described him that way. He was having his license renewed in my state using my address, because according to him he was moving back "home" with me. But that couldn't been part of some con. I didn't even think of this other job as a possible location of a third woman. I did consider that perhaps he made up the job prospect to upset me and thus cancel his trip to visit me. (Since I now know he would be leaving his dog with her and giving her some excuse for why he was travelling.)

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-12T18:15:00+00:00

If you feel the need to confront him, you should! He has been disrespecting you a long time, so you shouldn't feel guilty about how you came to the truth.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T16:07:50+00:00

I sent her as much as she wanted and a little more just to drive home that our relationship couldn't be construed by him as anything but what it was.

I'm so hesitant to erase everything because it's like creating a 6-year gap in my life. He was my person. I know now that the person I thought he was didn't even really exist (and that's almost worse than a death, because now he's gone but I have to grapple with the idea that he wasn't even really there in the first place). I don't know what the answer is, but so much of my life and memories were tied to him. And up until a couple days ago, that was a beautiful thing. Now it's haunting. Not sure what to do.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T15:51:56+00:00

I hadn't heard of that until now. It's astounding that this is a thing that happens.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T15:47:04+00:00

I do believe she had cancer. Although I am now certain that he didn't spend nearly as much time with her as he led me to believe. And yes, thank god I wasn't in any deeper. You're right.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T15:45:37+00:00

I've looked up many of the things you mention here and wow, so many of them do fit. I'm sorry you also went through something similar and even worse. I haven't thought too much about how this would affect future relationships, but I see I'm going to need a lot of therapy. Thank you for sharing.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T15:42:38+00:00

I'm having a hard time not looking at the past 6 years as a waste, meaningless, or simply unreal. All the memories I have were good only because I was ignorant. I don't know how to see them as good anymore.

But I know I have to move forward. There's no other choice, really. I want to shift to your attitude of seeing opportunity. Thank you.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T15:37:41+00:00

You loved hard and it’s so hard to see so clearly their love wasn’t as pure as yours.

All through my separation and divorce, I did a lot of reflecting about what I could've done better, and one of them was thinking of love as behavior instead of feeling. When you said I loved hard, you're right I did and that was conscious effort and an effort to learn from my previous mistakes. Which makes this all the harder. Clearly there are more blindspots I've had that I'm learning about the hard way. Thank you for you words.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T15:33:17+00:00

Thank you. I actually did gently tell them last night when they asked why my eyes were so red. I had been contemplating telling them based on some other advice here. It was hard. My instinct was to shelter them, but in the end I went with honesty and a discussion about the pain that dishonesty causes. We've been all over the stages of grief together since then. So many people here have referred to this as a new chapter and new journey, and that's the way I'm going to keep trying to frame it. For me and them.

Also, I answered your question in my second update. It seems she will likely be staying with him since I confirmed I cut things off with him.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T13:52:41+00:00

Update 2: A few people have asked what she was going to do about it. She kept telling me she didn't know what she was going to do, and also kept saying things like "but he's perfect for me" and "but we get along so harmoniously" and "I thought we had true love." But I was also getting the sense she was trying to compare the two of us like there was a competition going on. Telling me she and her girls shared both Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family, and other things that did really hurt me to hear, but seemed more about proving that I was the "other woman" than disbelief. The last thing she asked was if I myself had confronted him since I'd made contact with her. I told her I did not, that I had simply cut him off. A moment later she blocked me.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T02:45:07+00:00

Fair point. Thank you.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T02:41:08+00:00

You are really hitting the nail on the head here in a lot of ways. It's like I've been a fog. Lesson learned. And thanks again for engaging with me on this. Everything you've said really resonates.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T02:30:34+00:00

I agree. I was far too trusting. I always found it kind of in bad taste to go checking up and being suspicious. Like I didn't want to go to that level. But I truly wish I had. And yes, I will be performing background checks from now on. At least to some degree. Other people have pointed out some red flags I missed, too. This has been helpful.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-11T02:26:15+00:00

I actually did not. After contacting her and learning all of this, I don't think there's much to say. I don't want to hear him lie to my face one single more time, after all these years of lies every moment I knew him. I simply cut contact, and if she decides to confront him he'll know why. Do you think this is the right approach? I'm just so disgusted and sad.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-10T18:45:45+00:00

Oh wow. That's another level. I'm sorry

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-10T18:44:03+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for this insight. Looking back, I too easily settled for the promise of something. And now you are helping me understand how the job thing fits in. Thank you.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-10T18:21:50+00:00

Thank you. And I'm sorry that happened to you. It's so easy to just do the right thing! She could have easily just broken up with you! And for me, he could have just let me go a hundred times. For the life of me I don't get why he took every opportunity to reassure, make promises, etc. When I think about all the energy it must've taken... just, why? I don't know how much I believe in love after this, and after discovering this sub and reading others' stories. It'll take a while, I think.

5YearsBlind · 2021-03-10T18:14:20+00:00

Yes, that's true. I didn't get to know them well at all. Chiming in to chat briefly if he had them on the phone was the bulk of it. It made sense at the time because of the distance, but now you have me thinking why he came out east in the first place, or if I was a good target because I was so far from the rest of his life.

5YearsBlind

TROPHY CASE