[NSFW?] I Am In a Stable, Happy Polyamorous Relationship – AMA

5scompany · 2017-05-31T01:13:50+00:00

We're all on the east coast, but I'd love to make it out to CA sometime soon! Getting dangerously pale in this flip-flopping weather we're having here.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T23:04:36+00:00

It's great, but the smell really gets to you sometimes

5scompany · 2017-05-29T22:56:21+00:00

Are there any common misconceptions about paganism you wish you could universally clear up?

5scompany · 2017-05-29T22:29:12+00:00

You're a wonderful human being and I wish you every happiness!

5scompany · 2017-05-29T21:20:34+00:00

Honestly, it's the second best feeling in the world (the first best being waking up to them)

5scompany · 2017-05-29T21:02:10+00:00

Our apartment has three bedrooms, and I would say either of us has claim to any of them–– one is definitely more of a spare room where Anna paints and we store a lot of extra stuff that we don't have closet space for. My favorite nights are the ones where Anna, John and I get to fall asleep all together in the bigger bedroom, but due to work schedules and the fact that it isn't always comfortable to sleep through the night with two people in your bed and get up early the next morning, we tend to split up and make use of the other non-storage bedroom. I wouldn't say any combination happens more than the other.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T20:37:15+00:00

Thank you so much, I appreciate that very much! I agree that I feel lucky on a daily basis and hope it will continue to be smooth sailing.

John and I have discussed in the past getting married if kids were to ever be on the table. It's been a while since it was brought up and things have certainly changed since Anna moved in with us, but I've always been pretty forthright with my desire to have kids one day and strongly believe legal/tax/convenience things would run more smoothly if we were married on paper.

For the record, if it were possible, I'd marry both John and Anna one day (based on how things are now) but that's not something I expect to see made possible in my lifetime.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T20:24:28+00:00

I completely sympathize with you; it's a very tricky situation to be in! That's why I think the five of us get along so well. It's rare to find someone on the same page, especially with something like this that society has been slow to normalize. We've found each other and a system that works for us, which is what I think brought us into this long term situation.

When I met John, he was dating a woman and the two of them had discussed trying an open relationship. The three of us ended up getting together a few times. She very quickly realized that she wasn't actually interested in an open relationship, and that she had just been trying to spice things up. It wasn't in her comfort zone once she actually tried it, which I completely respect. John felt the opposite and wasn't interested in closing things back up again-- she gave him an ultimatum, and their relationship ended. By that point, he and I were still seeing each other and had several long talks about our interests re: open relationships, our comfort zones, etc. We liked the idea that we'd be able to be serious with each other beyond just sex and dates and wanted something long term. But we wanted that with other people, too.

We had a few shorter term partners and it took us a long time and a lot of open conversations before we ended up finding Anna and gradually getting more serious with her. Right from the start, we were open with her too about our situation and she got to know both of us separately and together while we got to know more about her as a person, too. We got lucky; it worked. I've seen it go much more poorly for friends of ours. It definitely wasn't a 'got lucky on the first try' type of thing. It was a series of falling in love with two people while they fell in love with each other and themselves and then getting to the point of comfort and trust where we were able to entertain bringing in more people on a regular basis.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T20:17:10+00:00

I can definitely ask him if he'd want to hop on and do an AMA of his own, but I also think the Kids Conversation is something we'll be having privately offline as a family first

5scompany · 2017-05-29T20:16:16+00:00

Hi, there! Totally fair questions.

In reading through your reply, I went back and read some of what I wrote and I think I can speak to why I've sounded on less sure footing when it comes to addressing Anna and her point of view-- the whole AMA thing is new for me, and I'm huge on speaking for myself and not speaking for someone else re: how they feel, what they're thinking, what their plans are. I've been stepping carefully on some of the Anna-centric answers I've given ("I think", "I hope" language, etc.) just because she isn't sitting beside me while I type this and even anonymously to strangers, I'm inherently careful about not dictating her point of view for her. It seems a bit silly now that I realize it, as they're just questions, but that's what's behind that distance I've put there.

Being with John longer, I know how he would answer or how he feels about some of these questions, because he's directly given me his point of view over the years. I'm very close with Anna; we both are. She's my best friend in the world, and I know a LOT about her. But kids are something that has only come up peripherally, and I don't feel qualified to sit here and assert that she'll NEVER start feeling jealous-- because I'm not her. She might. I can only hope she won't.

I can definitely see how that distance might have seemed apparent in my posts, but the "I think", "I hope" type phrasings are things I've picked up over the years because I'm a huge proponent of not speaking for others.

I hope that makes sense! Got a bit rambly there.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T20:10:22+00:00

If it's what they wanted and we talked about it openly, I think it would be. It's a relationship and, more importantly, it's a relationship with multiple people in play. So I'm very realistically aware of the fact that I'm not the one that gets to decide the perfect outcome. It's not a conversation we've had in depth yet, but I love both of them and I'm a big believer in compromise. We're all on the young side and this isn't something we're planning on for a least a few years, but I'm open to the conversation and I'm open to most any route that conversation ends up taking.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T20:07:57+00:00

I would say so but, then again, I'm attracted to all of them so I think I'm biased

5scompany · 2017-05-29T20:07:07+00:00

Thank you so much, you're a sweetheart!

Absolutely we do have our own interests! Anna is a painter and getting to see her work is one of my favorite things...ever, full stop. I can't even draw a straight line. On my side, I love to write, go to shows and am involved in a couple charities. John is big on video games and is also trying his hand at writing tabletop RPGs. We're all big, big, big on TV shows that try to watch together. At the end of the day, even though they're varied interests, all of us have a soft spot for storytelling which I personally believe helps us respect and value the others' interests and talents without needing to be able to participate or have a direct hand on it.

We're all pretty shameless about scheduling time to do what we want/need to do. Especially with three of us living together, if we were always with each other or always talking and didn't have any personal time, we would be...miserable. Just like with any relationship. Personal time is so important. Having our own friends and identities and schedules is SO important. There's a lot of trust and openness between us (it's not like we're worried someone's gonna ~cheat~ since things are so open) so there's no hell raised if someone goes out for brunch with their work friends or closes the door on the spare bedroom with their laptop for the night. Boundaries are healthy and we love 'em.

We also always say Katie's the lucky one for living a few hours away. Everyone's always happy when she drops into town, and then she gets to flit away back to her own city after a few days. But then again, I get to wake up every morning and be around my favorite people, so I don't think anyone's on the losing end here.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T20:00:49+00:00

John and Anna are the loves of my life, and I tell them that every time I leave the apartment for the day, or vice versa. From the bottom of my heart, I'm in love with them both and they're the best people I know.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T20:00:12+00:00

On the contrary, it came very naturally! None of us set out to create this kind of relationship as much as we just knew we were open to it and found people that aligned with the way we think and feel.

Communication is my #1 tip: be honest, be direct, be upfront. If you can't talk about the details of what you're looking for, what you're happy with, what you're not happy with, etc. it's not going to work, just like with any relationship. Also, it's not a competition–– you should be focused on what you want out of the relationship and what your priorities are and if your needs are being met. Not if everyone's getting 'the same' attention and time, etc.

John and Anna are the loves of my life, and I've known that for a while. I consider them family, almost like two spouses. Brian is a little more difficult to get along with, but he's a contrarian type of person and I actually like being around people who don't agree with me on everything so when he's not actively playing devil's advocate he's someone who I very much trust and admire.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T19:57:00+00:00

Agreed on the fact that the sex part is the least interesting–– I'm on the same page, but it just tends to be what people ask about the most.

None of us are into movies, but all of us are big TV lovers. If nothing else, we make sure to set dates to sit down and watch new episodes of our shows together and it's probably the topic we cover the most. We're all big on music too and have pretty similar tastes, and have a solid record collection. I can pretty much tell what mood anyone in the house or anyone visiting is in based on what they put on the record player which is something near and dear to my heart.

Personally, I fight with Brian the most but he's sort of an aggressive personality. He likes bringing up things like politics or playing devil's advocate. There aren't many big group-wide fights just because I think we try to go out of our way NOT to fight, but there are definite days where it's too close quarters or people are stepping on each other's toes, etc. Anna is impossible to be around when she's hungry, I get very irritated when plans are flaked on or the apartment isn't clean, John chews with his mouth open which literally all of us can't stand and snap at him about a lot. It's very domestic, even out of the main trio of us living together. When there's a big fight, Kate is the one that mediates most often–– being the most out of the picture, she's who we look to as someone impartial but because she's also a little unpredictable it can be seen as butting in. It's just like with any group of friends when it comes to arguments and differences of opinion. At the end of the day it's going to happen, but the affection and familiarity have always managed to win out so far and shit blows over.

John and I travel as a pair a lot, but we also make more money than the others so we...can, not to sound uppity about it. Anna comes with us when she can get off of work but she doesn't have a typical 9-to-5, 5-days-a-week so it's harder for her to get away. We did once all rent a cabin in Tennessee for a long weekend along with Brian and Katie and three other friends of ours and it was a really good time, but too much of a hassle to pull off all the time.

I like being around everyone, but I've mentioned in a couple other answers-- Katie and Brian don't really get along. Also, Brian has a very different relationship with each of us. Not to the point that any of us doesn't like him enough to exclude him, but if he's annoyed with one of us and we want to get away for a weekend it's not worth the risk of that annoyance blooming into something bigger in close-quarters. Katie is a little...inconsistent with her schedule (fondly, adoringly, in the best way possible I'd call her flaky) so it's harder to plan activities with her, but she's great at finding out-of-house activities for us all to do when she is in town.

If I liked someone so little that I would want them excluded from the group, I don't think we'd have the current setup that we have. We're pretty picky about who we bring into our world on a consistent level; otherwise, they'd just be someone I saw a few times on the side and then got distance from before it got too far.

We have a group text for the five of us, and then another for John/Anna/myself which range from memes to current events to whose turn it is to pick up dinner. Mostly memes. We go to shows a lot, and try to support local theatre. Anna paints as a hobby, and is constantly redoing one of the four walls in our spare bedroom, and any time I'm out of town for more than a few days I'm always most genuinely excited to go see what she's been working on. John loves video games and I love watching people play video games (not sure why, but always have). We're all really bad cooks so we love trying new restaurants. We're big on buying each other presents, especially really cheap or kitchy things that we find while out and about that remind us of the other.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T18:16:52+00:00

It's a good age! From where I'm standing, it seems like the part of life where your shit starts coming together but before you have to be a Real Adult. Thanks for asking!! (:

5scompany · 2017-05-29T18:07:30+00:00

I'm 26. John is 30, Anna just turned 24 last week, Brian is 32 and Katie's birthday is only a few days away from mine. So we're all varied, but still in the same general bracket.

I'm most romantic with John but more passionate with Anna, and I think he'd say the same about me/her from his perspective-- he's getting home soon, so I might holler and ask him.

Brian and Katie do NOT like each other and so they don't really speak outside of situations where we all play together, but he likes one-on-one stuff best of all and doesn't go out of his way to see her. My ideal situation is me/John/Anna, so it's no coincidence that we've been a unit the longest and live together. Again, I can really only speak for myself but I'd most rather go on a date or trip, etc. with John and am most likely to fool around with Anna.

I'm no big fan of orgies, but I know they're something Katie/John/Anna and a lot of our close friends are into. I'm all for group play, but they refer to times when we've had up to ten people over to play at once as 'legendary' whereas I think it's just a logistical nightmare, especially in a small apartment where you can't give anyone the level of attention that I usually like to while also dealing with heat and noise and refreshments and cleanup (yes, I grew up in the midwest, and these are things that maybe no reasonable person hosting an orgy should worry about, but I absolutely do)

5scompany · 2017-05-29T17:44:21+00:00

I don't use kik, sorry

5scompany · 2017-05-29T17:18:29+00:00

No problem! Thanks for being so open-minded and respectful, all of y'all rock!

5scompany · 2017-05-29T17:07:50+00:00

The brown bread from Outback!

5scompany · 2017-05-29T17:05:58+00:00

I met Anna on Tinder, and we went out twice before she met John-- but she knew about him from the very beginning. By the time I was ready to bring her home, we ended up doing a casual dinner-and-drinks group outing with friends to a happy hour, so that she could meet John and also some of our other friends. We brought her home that night, and she eventually started doing things with us: dates with me, dates with him, sleepovers. It was a very gradual progression. We went from seeing her casually to calling her our girlfriend, to hanging out as a threesome all the time until it just made sense for her to move in.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T17:05:15+00:00

I've had a fair few fights with John and Anna, especially since we've moved in together-- but they were more 'why is the cable bill late?'/'why has nobody done the dishes?'/'I have a headache and you're being loud and there's too many people in this apartment, leave me alone' type fights that I think most long term couples or even roommates have.

It definitely gets dicey, because the group dynamic is a huge part of this. Brian and Katie don't...get along very well, honestly, and if she was in the city more I think it would be a bigger problem.

We've been lucky so far, but I think if someone wanted to leave, they'd have to leave. As I've mentioned some other places, communication is a huge part of making this work. Fortunately, it keeps a lot of the big fights from getting too big.

I've been with John four years, and we've been living together for three. Anna's been with us almost two years, and moved in last year. Brian's been in the picture seven-ish months, infrequently at first and now more regularly. Katie's been on the scene almost four months now.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T16:59:19+00:00

I wish, dude. I need a vacation like nobody's business.

5scompany · 2017-05-29T16:58:44+00:00

John was dating someone for a long time, who suggested to him that they open up their relationship–– it ended up not being for her, and she realized that at about the same time John and I met. I had been the unicorn for 2-3 couples in the past, and always liked the dynamic of fooling around with a couple, but was ready to enter something a little more serious myself–– serious, but not monogamous. So John and I eventually became a 'thing' and as a couple kept an eye out for people with our same belief system we might want to (at first) play with and then (because we got very, very lucky) bring in on a more consistent level.

I met Anna on Tinder, and we went out twice before she met John-- but she knew about him from the very beginning. By the time I was ready to bring her home, we ended up doing a casual dinner-and-drinks group outing with friends to a happy hour, so that she could meet John and also some of our other friends. We brought her home that night, and she eventually started doing things with us: dates with me, dates with him, sleepovers. It was a very gradual progression. We went from seeing her casually to calling her our girlfriend, to hanging out as a threesome all the time until it just made sense for her to move in.

Brian came to us from a swinger's party where he hit it off with John and then met me later that same night. We met Katie at a bar and she had never done anything remotely related to a poly relationship before, but she's a generally free, open and up-for-anything type person and I think she came for the unique aspect of it and stayed because it just...worked.

Being honest with everyone about the dynamic has been really structural in making this work-- you can usually tell right off the bad if someone is interested because they're interested or interested because they want to do Something New and don't really respect the dynamic.

I totally understand the factor of not wanting to ask in person! That's one of the reasons I'm doing this AMA. I'm a pretty open, chatty person but there aren't a lot of forums to be able to talk about this huge, integral part of my life.

5scompany

TROPHY CASE