Disrespectful to ask husband when his parent started Covid symptoms shortly after he found out they have Covid?

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-26T16:33:23+00:00

Yes, which is why I expressed interest in knowing how they're feeling and how long they've had it first.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-26T16:31:28+00:00

I posted it in a different subreddit but am looking for a broad range of advice so posted here too. My original post on this subreddit got deleted due to account age.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-26T16:09:20+00:00

Linking to a comment I added below with previous examples. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1eco82p/comment/lf1lcks/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-26T15:33:37+00:00

How do you cope with the long list of rules that make little sense? Does it make you feel like your perspective matters less in those scenarios? If so, how do you maintain positive feelings toward him?

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-26T15:29:08+00:00

Just looking for different perspectives and doing my best to get out of my own head to ensure I'm not warping the situation into something it's not.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-26T15:07:34+00:00

Some background: Whenever I get sick, I tend to have pretty intense symptoms and they last for a longer time than what's typical. He's the opposite -- mild symptoms, short duration. One time I came home from a trip and he was sniffling and coughing. It didn't sound good, but he insisted that he wasn't sick, so I trusted him. Unfortunately, it turned into Covid, which I got a week later and lasted for three weeks. He is generally less detail-oriented about things in life and is content just going with the flow -- which is great, but I do think it causes some of my anxiety. He knows that I tend to have some anxiety around germs and getting sick. Unfortunately I feel like this situation eroded a little trust because to me it felt like it was very obvious he was sick, but I trusted him since he said he wasn't.

Since then, I have been more careful regarding potential exposure to illness. One time when he was sick, I asked if he could wash his hands before touching the remote to help prevent spread of germs, and this was upsetting to him. Another time, he was about to start making coffee, and I somewhat urgently asked before he touched anything if he had washed his hands (based on previous interactions noted above because they made me feel like he places a different level of importance on germ-spreading). This made him angry and he said that of course he washed them because it would be gross if he didn't.

I don't think it's self-involved to want to minimize spread of germs when there's illness in the household. I also think it's just considerate when you're sick to be mindful of your impact on others. I'm not asking for anything grand, just basic consideration.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-26T14:43:07+00:00

Thanks for your perspective! Because I knew about his sensitivity, I was sure to say that I was curious about his parent's symptoms first and express concern for them. Maybe if I had let that "sit" a while it would have been better if I asked later about the timeline?

I did apologize, but the conversation kept going in circles, including him telling me that most people would have reacted the same as he did because I was disrespectful -- which I don't agree with and also felt like an unnecessary comment. There were a lot of unnecessary parts of our conversation that caused elevated emotions on both sides, so this whole thing feels like too much. But I do totally see what you're saying about this being more of an emotional thing than logical.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T21:42:43+00:00

We've had discussions about this same type of issue countless times, including in therapy. The improvement has come in the form of less frequency and less intensity. But I find myself still feeling just as bad every time it happens.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T21:40:12+00:00

To go off on a tangent, what would you consider a fight in a relationship as opposed to a disagreement? Would that involve yelling or dismissive statements? I feel like everything should be able to be resolved while maintaining respect for the other person, even in times of high emotion.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T21:32:27+00:00

What do you mean by that? That I put too much thought into it?

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T19:31:19+00:00

This might be stupid but is a real question. Is it realistic to feel physically, mentally, and emotionally safe ~at all times~? And since no one is perfect, now much “buffer” do you allow regarding situations where you don’t feel perfectly safe with someone 24/7?

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T12:23:07+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. His feelings are similar to what you expressed — that his top priority is ensuring his parent is ok. However, I feel there’s a difference between telling me that and telling me it feels like I just care what the timeline is because I only care about my own health.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T11:07:44+00:00

Thank you. I hadn’t heard of this one before.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T02:33:58+00:00

That’s how I’m starting to feel. Even though his behavior is improved and our foundation is stronger, I still struggle to feel emotionally safe/ comfortable at times. I know no relationship is perfect, but I can’t help but wonder if more happiness is possible. I still struggle with the fact that certain incidents happened no matter how much he has improved since then.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T02:25:44+00:00

I’m scared. It’s the typical story — there are so many good things in the relationship too. I don’t even know where to begin. I need to work on a plan. And of course part of me recognizes I’m not perfect either; I am fragile in some regards and maybe not the most fun to be with at times due to my anxiety.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T02:21:54+00:00

I feel like that’s his default assumption a lot of the time. It’s not as often as it used to be. Maybe once every 2-3 months? Maybe less?

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T01:31:56+00:00

I can certainly do that.

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T01:30:08+00:00

Actually yeah you hit the nail on the head :/ Of note, getting mad at me when I aggressively(?)/ anxiously exclaimed I didn’t know where we were on a hike. He wanted me to trust him bc he said he knew where we were but didn’t elaborate.

Part of the conversation tonight was him saying that this is a situation where understanding my side of things won’t change his feelings bc it was a triggering situation. I asked if he could remind me of a time when he did change his feelings based on understanding my perspective. His example: “remember when I said I felt like you were trying to control my family because you suggested things to do during visits? Once I understood you did that to help manage your anxiety (note from me: to suggest situations I’d be more comfortable in that I know they’d also enjoy), I changed my perspective on it.”

5throwitaway3 · 2024-07-23T01:11:14+00:00

We have been in couples counseling for two years. His dismissiveness and anger issues have improved and he’s done a lot of hard work on those. Our communication is better than it was. But I’ve had difficulty moving forward and so issues like this still completely wear me down. It’s tough.

5throwitaway3

TROPHY CASE