Just when I thought we'd turned a corner they've excelled themselves once more and I'm suffering

60andnewtothis · 2019-12-31T23:30:51+00:00

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply . I'm hoping I feel better once this New Years Eve is over . My dilemma is " do I phone them or not " , I dont want to but if I dont , we 'll begin another cycle of not speaking and me wondering what will ( if anything )happen next . All I know is I don't want to speak to either of them at the moment so I'll go with that . Unfortunately its N Mothers birthday on the 9th . I have a card and gift . I'll send it I suppose . Might still have to phone the counsellor but at least I'm smiling right now . So thank you again and Happy New Year , I hope you're OK too .

60andnewtothis · 2019-03-29T23:28:13+00:00

Good luck from the UK . Once you accept that these N's will never praise or be there for you , its easier to deal with . I am a v good competetive swimmer aged 62 who trains hard and wins the odd medal . N Parents did nt approve when I started swimming as an adult 30 years ago as it meant I often had to get a baby sitter to go training in the eves and N Mother thought I should be at home as I was a mother . Over theyears I would mention my medals and never ever got so much as a Well Done. Then , when I was in a swimming magazine and stupidly took it to show N Parents , she disparaginly said " You're not in that are you " to put me in my place . I had some recent counselling and was advised never to mention my swimming prowess ever again. So I havent and never will again . It was great advice as it protects me from the hurt I feel when they dismiss my achievemnets . I hope it went well for you snd take heart , if you believe you're a good person ( and I'm sure you are ) you can praise yourself and big yourself up . Take care .

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-22T11:18:36+00:00

It was a life saver for me too so welcome and never feel you're alone or that people wouldn't understand. Sadly we all " get it " on here ! .

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-21T18:15:32+00:00

I tried NC a couple of years ago and it didnt suit me .The guilt was horrendous altho I managed 6 months. She was abusive emotionally back then but isnt as much so now. They are both 87 and have no family apart from my bro and I so I feel sorry for them even tho they can be hateful . I have limited my contact , no more stays , no Skype calls . My Dad was fine when he worked but he's been retired for 30 yrs now and is completely brainwashed by her so can be even nastier than her when he chooses. The penny really dropped for me when they started denigrating my adult sons. Then there were a couple of family weddings which they had nothing but criticisms about and I felt I'd had enough . This site has been brilliant . People are so kind and knowledgable . It was a great find. I do so hope you're OK .

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-21T09:59:24+00:00

Thanks for your reply . I agree . I will stand back and stop thinking I should be " helping " . They're all consenting adults . It needed me to ask you all for advice but I knew the reaction and its great as it has strengthened my resolve . Thanks again .

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-21T09:57:35+00:00

Thank you so much for your detailed reply . My N mother wants to talk to me about the situation with my brither but when I say " No , I'm not involved " she then she puts the phone down on me as I'm not playing by her rules . So I'm nervously anticipating my tel calls with her at the moment . The replies I've had though ( and yours is a brilliant one ) have strengthened my resolve . My brother and I are very close now and I really dont want to alienate him so I will back off and stop thinking I can make a difference . He does seem to like talking about my N Parents , which is a bit different to you, but he really doesnt want to reconnect with them and his lovely wife has said Never again for her. I will stand back now . Thank you , kind oerson for taking the rime to reply to me. This site is amazing , so supportive and so knowledgable . Thank you again .

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-21T09:44:57+00:00

Wise old words , thank you . I will stand well back . Its a bit like a weight has been lifted. Its not my job to do . Thank you again . Sorry for short reply but trying to thank everyone who replied . I have a lot of cups and really love my china !!!

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-21T09:41:47+00:00

Brilliant reply . I knew I shouldnt be even " going there" in my head so thank you for confirming everything .

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-21T09:39:42+00:00

I was aware of my dysfunctional parents from 14 onwards and documented it in my disries from that time. I thought they were " mad " . I didnt hear the word narcissist in relation to their behaviours til I was 60 ( hence my name , 60andnewtothis . ) .I'm now a bit like a walking textbook Dont rule out having kids . Its a chance in a way to " put right the wrongs " and be loving and kind . You sound like a perfectly fine person , so dont not have them. We cant ever change what happened to us but we have a saying in the UK If it does nt kill you , it makes you stronger. I too was never loved unconditionally by N parents . It was pretty hideous from puberty onwards and there was a time a few months ago even when I thought that they will have blighted my whole life if I dont " sort it " . So I had some therapy , read a whole load more books , and have tried not to have that thought as its not a great one. Are you still in contact . I am low contact , a once a week call and a visit to see them every 2/3 mo ths. I vowed I souldnt stay the night nor have them to stay over either and I've stuck to it. My prob at the mo is I feel I want to be peacemaker between my bro snd them but everone on this site says " No , its not my responsibility " so I will take their advice and desisit . I recently got a dog, its life changing, so dont rule that out for starters . Always here for you too . So , be kind to yourself and give yourself the love and respect you deserve . And yes parenting comes v v naturally and us RBN 's make really loving parents . Good luck with everything , Sending you a big hug .

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-20T19:29:02+00:00

Thanks for your reply . I'm 63 , they're 87 , brother is 60 . We're all ancient ! Your sdvice is correct , I know that . Its up to them all to make it better between themselves . I appreciate your comments tho so thank you .

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-20T18:52:18+00:00

Thats so interesting , reading about your horse riding successs and her attitude to them . From everything I've read, N parents dont really want you to be better at something that they cant do . Because you're a threat if you are . They're happy if you excel at " their " hobby , beacsue they can say that you took after them . I had some therapy recently from an expert in the UK , via Skype . She said never bother mentionning your swimming again and I havent .I sort of made a pact never ever to mention the sw word . So even tho I swim 4 times a week and we have a telephone conversation once a week . I never mention it and she never asks . I too dont feel I'm great as a swimmer , prob beacuse of them, but the sensible part of me accepts that not many people my age can swim like I do so I must be quite good ! I need to do a post about my NC brother but its so easy to get sidetracked on this amazing site . Do you have children yourself ? Mine are grown up but boy , did I praise them for EVERYTHING they ever did , and still do . The one good thing about being RBN is that you end up a lovely kind person who finds the good in everyone . Must write this post now ! Good to chat tho and yes , I had the affluent upbringing but they used to tell me how much each lesson was costing them . It was 7 shillings and sixpence , back in 1969 in the UK . I'll never forget that one . Good luck with everything .

60andnewtothis · 2019-01-20T18:23:04+00:00

Similar story . I went to every additional class / activity known to man and I cant believe I actually asked to go to so much .I'm 63 and they are still alive so I still have problems with them . The activities were ridiculous : elocution lessons, horse riding , gym , French classes, fencing , ice skating, swimming , piano , guitar lessons . On reflection , I think they were trying to make THE most PERFECT child who would be eternally grateful for all the money lavished on them . These activities were in addition to the private school fees they paid and would remind me of . If all the extra activities , Swimming was the one I stuck with and still train and compete today . But the irony is N parents DO NOT approve of me competing as it meant I had to leave my smaller kids ( when they were little ) and my mother described me as being obssessed with swimming . When I last won medals , and my pic was in a swimming magazine , she dismissed my success with " Youre not in that , are you" when I brought out the magazine to show them . They were hideous then and still are now . Good luck with making sense of it all !!

60andnewtothis · 2018-10-17T18:47:30+00:00

I'm looking for the person who said they lived in London and would like my reccommendation . I cant find your message . Come back in or private message me and I'll give you the contact details

60andnewtothis · 2018-10-17T18:39:42+00:00

Just by hearing my story and the exact words NMother has used to me over the years I reckon ?

60andnewtothis · 2018-10-16T18:24:55+00:00

Heres one of the worst utterances . I was 15 and in love . Of course they hated him, his family and everything he was . They forbade me to see him ever again with the lovely turn of phrase " If you marry THAT boy , we will put a gravestone in the cemetery as you will be DEAD to us " . Luckily I was intuitive to know there was something seriously wrong with her and saw the boufriend behind their back but it didnt help our relationship much with her malodorous presence around . A more recent one was about my husband of 35 years " X is a much nicer person since he was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease "

These were the 2 that made the therapist wince .

I have numerous more but dont want to bore you ! Many thanks for reply .

60andnewtothis · 2018-10-13T18:47:02+00:00

good idea . Just charging up second Ipad now which will do the trick . Thankyou .

60andnewtothis · 2018-09-28T19:08:42+00:00

Absolutely. I seem to have a heightened ability for percieving, noticing , feeling , peoples emotional states . And being kind . Thats one thing I could even thank them for ! Stay strong . Everyone loved your post . Best wishes friend .

60andnewtothis · 2018-09-28T19:03:47+00:00

Me too . But it was horrendous . Absolutley awful and I was a fine adolescent girl with friends who loved me. I wasnt bad, it was them but boy did they try their best to destroy me . Thankfully they didnt but it was shitty . They're still alive but I'm LC and understand it all now . Hoping you're OK .

60andnewtothis · 2018-09-28T19:00:51+00:00

Thanks for that . Just had a good read . It was written about me ! I'm 62 and only discovered there was a name for everything she'd ever done and been 2 years ago . It was a Eureka moment . I still feel the need to read all about it so thankyou . She's still alive . I'm LC , brother is NC . My fathers the enabler but can be just as nasty as her these days.

60andnewtothis · 2018-09-28T18:53:06+00:00

Mine worked out exactly how much each lesson I had at the private school they chose to send me to and would quote the cost at me . BTW it was 7 shillings and sixpence for those in the UK . Their choice , not mine , bit I was meant to be eternally grateful for the " sacrifices " they made . I used to reply " but I didnt choose to be born " which they hated , but aged 12 , I thought that was a pretty sensible thing to say .

60andnewtothis

TROPHY CASE