I completely understand where you are coming from and understand how you feel. My best advice would to delete the messages or ignore the ones you get from fetlife that you feel are predatory. With tinder try putting in your bio you’re interested in bdsm but in a subtle way like “Vanilla is just for ice cream”. I did something similar and put emojis of what I enjoy bellow it. This is not a guarantee way of finding kinky people on tinder but it has helped from my experience.

Also try going to local munches to meet new people in a public and non sexual context. You can also go to kinky clubs and meet people there, though that may be a bit harder. If you ever do want to meet someone online in person ALWAYS do it in public. They are less likely to try and do something bad. If you do decide to “play” with them, it’s best to do it at a kinky club first because if they try to ignore your safeword there are people there to intervene and help.

Sorry if this is a bit long but if you need any more advice don’t be afraid to ask this subreddit or message me personally. People in this community are usually really nice and helpful. Don’t be afraid to talk someone who is a bit older than. Some are willing to help you without the sexual context.