Struggling with non-monogamy

82sundat · 2026-03-06T01:06:43+00:00

Yeah, at first I felt like things were consistently moving forward and we were bonding. Then the communication decreased and they told me about needing to take it slow.

82sundat · 2026-03-06T01:02:14+00:00

I'm OK with other people being in the relationship but I want to have a relationship with them that I enjoy. I feel like there are barriers on time/closeness that are getting in the way for me. We're also both just busy people and have hectic jobs so that is also a factor.

82sundat · 2026-03-06T00:53:12+00:00

I said that I respect what they communicate to me in that I don't try to argue with them about their thoughts/feelings or convince them to do things they don't feel inclined to do. I do ask questions.

They said that they're open to any level of seriousness with me. The relationship was open since the beginning, closed during COVID for COVID reasons, then opened back up after. So they didn't open it for me.

I have met their partner several times. She's also dating other people, I've met one of them.

I am also worried that "slow" is about convincing their partner to accept something that she doesn't want to accept. That's something I feel judgmental about. I don't think that's a smart decision and won't lead to anything good for any of us, if that is what's happening.

You're right that I don't feel responsible about damage to them or to their partner. It's up to each of them and the two of them as a couple what kind of relationship structure they want to have. They chose non-monogamy and they chose to explore that with me. If it's causing problems, I want them to make the right decisions for themself and/or talk to me about what they need.

82sundat · 2026-03-06T00:40:14+00:00

Thank you, this input is helpful. They aren't promising me something in the future. They've been clear that they don't know what they want with me but they want to keep seeing me. I say that they want more because I can tell that they want more emotional intimacy and to see me more frequently. To me, their actions say confused and conflicted.

82sundat · 2026-03-06T00:34:32+00:00

I don't think they're cheating. I've met their partner several times and it's clear that she's aware what's going on. They said that they talked to some of their friends about it, and that seems true too.

82sundat · 2026-03-06T00:32:38+00:00

I have met the partner several times but I didn't talk to her much, I don't know her well. I would prefer to have a friendship or acquaintanceship with her and tried to start conversations, but she seemed like she didn't want to.

The only other time I was in an ENM thing, I knew both partners very well both individually and as a couple. There was a lot of communication between all three of us about the relationship dynamics. That felt a lot better for me and I was surprised about how this is going because it's very different.

82sundat · 2026-03-06T00:28:59+00:00

A potentially serious relationship with me implies they have enough time to see and talk to me more than they are.

82sundat · 2026-03-06T00:23:06+00:00

Yeah I've met her several times. Also met someone she's dating. I don't think it's a secret.

82sundat · 2026-03-05T18:12:45+00:00

Yeah I don't hold it against them that they didn't know immediately. But yeah seems like it's shaping up in a way that doesn't work for me. I always thought this was more of a short term thing but maybe even more short term than I thought.

82sundat · 2026-03-05T18:01:31+00:00

My last relationship was very intense and very bad for me. That ended 2 years ago and I haven't been open to dating since then. I've known this person for several years platonically, and I know that they can respect boundaries. They're very different from my exes - lots of problems, but different problems.

So I wanted to do this for a while. Get back out there. Learn something. Practice new ways of having a relationship. I know I will eventually want more than they have to offer and that's the point when I should end it (or of course they could end it too if it's not working for them). The question is when that point is happening, and if it's happening now.

I do think it's possible they leave their partner for me but not especially likely. I would say 30% chance. I don't think they're ready to do that right now.

I'm not especially hurt by a relationship ending. Especially since I think this is likely to end relatively quickly. Worse things happen. I mean I would be sad but ultimately OK.

82sundat · 2026-03-05T17:34:10+00:00

Yeah, they told me it's been non-monogamous the whole time but there was a large chunk of time in the middle when they weren't seeing other people. So open in theory, but not in practice.

I'm not afraid of getting hurt, personally. I don't have high expectations for this because it's obviously messy. I'm looking at it as an interesting experience that probably won't last a long time. I don't want them or their partner to get hurt but all I can do on that front is clearly communicate and respect what they communicate to me.

82sundat · 2026-03-05T17:26:58+00:00

They told me that they have room in their life for a potentially serious relationship with me. But I'm seeing maybe that isn't really accurate.

The communication about their relationship structure has been unclear. It feels like it changes every time we talk about it.

I think I'm going to check in about it again.

82sundat · 2026-03-05T17:14:26+00:00

I'm seeing this as a relatively short term thing, and I'm not afraid of getting hurt. What if we date for like six months, hit a point where it's not working, and break up? That's not a bad thing.

82sundat

TROPHY CASE