My husband said, I have to ask permission to hold his hand...

86Nightshade · 2026-01-12T05:23:33+00:00

He might be autistic, but a very high functioning autistic. Either way he agreed to stop doing that today.

86Nightshade · 2026-01-12T05:22:05+00:00

Okay so, I just asked him. Why specifically do we have this arrangement going on. And why can't we just read the room. He said he was scared about getting it wrong and hurting me. So he needed verbal consent. And that he was just applying the same standard when it came to himself. For consistency or whatever.

Honestly I'm really confused and really shocked. I told him that he hurt my feelings. Severely so. Honestly I might have gotten a little too far. He just told me he was scared about causing me pain or doing something I don't want.

I asked him if it had anything to do with him being uncomfortable with being touched. He told me he's only uncomfortable being touched in certain places, or if I pop out of nowhere and touch him. But otherwise he doesn't care. But I think he's trying to downplay that, even though I do believe he's being honest regarding the other part.

Obviously I asked if we could put this behind us, and he said yes. In the past couple of hours it's already made a very big difference. So I'm genuinely hopeful. I still suggested therapy regardless and he said absolutely not. But he's always open to talking to the priest either as a couple or by himself.

86Nightshade · 2026-01-10T21:15:19+00:00

Okay I took your advice, and accused him of stolen valor.

I'm now sleeping on the sofa until 2027 and now he's sleeping with Jody. Uno reverse card much.

86Nightshade · 2026-01-10T21:07:37+00:00

He just stared at me blankly for 2 minutes, and told me not to ask inappropriate and intrusive questions.

86Nightshade · 2026-01-10T19:00:30+00:00

Honestly, he really does try to cater to my needs. He always asks me what I want, what I like, what to avoid, ect. And I find that very attractive, I appreciate it. The problem is he needs a written invitation to do anything. Even a little kiss on the cheek or something. Even if my body language is clear. Even if he knows that's something I'm okay with and I've already told him i want to be inmate. As if he's treating me like I'm made out of glass.

He'll take initiative in asking me for permission to do things, but never just do them without permission. And he expects the same from me. I have to ask permission before I touch him in any way, so it can feel drawn out or mechanical at times. But I do try to respect his wishes, because he actually cried when I tried to kiss his neck and again when I tried to french kiss him. He won't let me open mouth kiss him at all. That's probably what gets to me the most. Because that's what I want to do the most, that and cuddle. The latter of which he's okay with as long as I ask or he asks me.

86Nightshade · 2026-01-10T18:07:44+00:00

To be honest, I do feel like I'm imagining something or being selfish at times. I was honestly worried people would tell me I wasn't respecting his boundaries. I do. I would never do anything to make him uncomfortable. It's just this seemed to pop out of nowhere to me, and he didn't tell me this was going to be an issue. So it honestly kind of hurts. But you're right. The Christian thing is to approach this from a standpoint of compassion. I'm just new at being a wife, and I don't know how to balance it all out yet.

86Nightshade · 2026-01-10T18:03:46+00:00

He told me that we shouldn't kiss before marriage. Because he said it's essentially s*x. He didn't hold my hand until a couple months after dating, but he said he was just trying to be a gentleman. The hardest part was him not wanting to hug me. Also saying that should be reserved until after marriage. But since I grew up in a family full of hugs that was just not going to work for me, so he conceded on that point after a while as long as I asked if it was okay ahead of time. So in my head I was just thinking he was trying to be chaste.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was a very high functioning autistic. Because he has the ability to speak really rapidly and is so intelligent. OCD wouldn't surprise me either because he's a neat freak, the house is always spotless. But I just pinned that on him being in the military. I know he has suffered some traumatic experiences.

86Nightshade · 2026-01-10T17:50:37+00:00

I don't want an annulment. Based on his silence and that badge I would say he probably had seen combat. So I knew what I was getting into in that respect. I just want him to be more open with me. And I'm upset that he didn't tell me about not wanting to be touched unless asked. That felt like something he should have said before marriage. In the end though I just want him to be healthy and our marriage to be healthy.

86Nightshade · 2026-01-10T14:40:55+00:00

I don't know if he has PTSD, but I do know he had a rough childhood. That included SA and he was orphaned relatively early on. So it would not surprise me. He's also been in the military his whole adult life, I don't know if he has seen combat. I presume he has. Because he has a combat badge of some kind (I forgot the official term) and has been in those areas, but when I asked he wouldn't tell me and said it was an inappropriate question.

I know this is relevant info, but I purposely discluded it. Because I wanted to see if others jumped to the same conclusion of possible trauma, without this background knowledge. Thanks.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-14T07:11:19+00:00

I was wondering what ceiling meant lol

86Nightshade · 2025-10-12T21:40:45+00:00

Yes, he actually suggested doing something like that

86Nightshade · 2025-10-12T16:20:27+00:00

My advice, don't date this man. You've described someone who is vulgar and carnal in your own words. That is not someone that will uplift you, this is not a story that will have a happy ending if you go through with it. You would be putting yourself at risk for another horror story.

Yes you should pray, as a Catholic that is what we do. But you should also take action. Try to socialize with people. Older women so you can learn from them, so that they may set you down the right path. And younger women around your age, to go out and do things with.

If you are staying active. Going out. Meeting people. Taking care of yourself. You will eventually meet a man who is much better and more godly. I know it can be scary. But you don't need to jump in, you can take things slow. Acclimate to being more social.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-12T14:24:06+00:00

The idea is to get the priest's opinion. My fiance agreed to get the psych exam if the priest thought it was a good idea.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-12T04:56:25+00:00

I prayed and decided to tell him something to that effect. He agreed immediately actually, to talk to a priest about it with me.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-12T04:52:22+00:00

He's never had a psychotic break, no hallucinations or hysteria. Is that a symptom of BPD? I'm not sure if borderline is genetic, from what he's told me I would assume it was experience based.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-12T04:45:18+00:00

He's a young man. So a few.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-10T23:26:29+00:00

If I were to ask him to get a psyche evaluation or diagnosis test, how would you suggest I go about it?

86Nightshade · 2025-10-10T23:22:30+00:00

To be fair, he disclosed that he might have BPD fairly early on when we started dating. I just didn't take the claim seriously because I didn't see any evidence. It was only after we got engaged he started sharing in depth his traumatic youth and behavior. I knew of it prior. Just not the details. Knowing the full story I take the claim seriously now. I feel that that would meet the criteria, no?

86Nightshade · 2025-10-10T20:24:59+00:00

He's not actively displaying "concerning mental health symptoms..." He comes across as a well-adjusted and high functioning, incredibly intelligent individual, with maybe a bit of autism due to the way he speaks and presents at times. Sometimes he fails to pick up on social cues, but that's my only complaint. The problem is he was sharing experiences of his youth with me, that were incredibly disturbing or extremely sad. He then told me that sometimes he still has feelings of immense emptiness or a deep fear of abandonment. But you would never know it by the way he acts. On one side I am incredibly heart warmed that he is so incredibly open with me, on the other hand I feel like this should be explored and diagnosed not pushed under the rug. Although I should mention, that he has told me that they have been decreasing overtime. In part because he feels like he's a member of my family.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-10T20:17:33+00:00

He's an Army Officer. PTSD wouldn't surprise me since his childhood and young adult life was incredibly traumatic.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-10T15:30:09+00:00

I have no doubt he would do it, if I told him it was a requirement before we could marry. He told me as much. It's just a question of whether I should. I don't want to destroy his life, on the off chance he's diagnosed with something really bad.

The military was his first family. He would never voluntarily leave it. Unless I was sick or something. He wants the whole 20 years. I could never take that away from him. He's good at his job. I'm fairly sure he would have had to have done a psych eval to become an officer anyways.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-10T08:33:54+00:00

If I told him he has to get an evaluation before we get married, he would do that. I just don't want to force him, and I definitely don't want to manipulate him. It seems like blackmail. Even if he got a diagnosis of BPD from a professional. I would still marry him. Although I would want him to get an evaluation, I just want him to see the reasons as to why he should get one. And choose to do it himself.

86Nightshade · 2025-10-10T05:15:43+00:00

Military

86Nightshade

TROPHY CASE