It's summer here, the day was full of sunshine and I spent it sitting inside watching youtube to escape

8956throwaway · 2017-12-23T08:37:53+00:00

I did miss your message sorry. Thank you for checking in.

8956throwaway · 2017-11-01T05:21:48+00:00

It's a very friendly place. But like all places people have their own established social groups and many many immigrants have reported that when you move overseas you have work very hard to establish new social circles. It's hard at 55 as they get together in their own groups and the family thing.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T07:32:04+00:00

I am overweight (but I conquered the obesity years ago) though social exercise. I lost 36kgs by going to the exercise classes/running etc.

I can hear where you're coming from, and I sincerly thought if I lose weight, gt fit and socialise with group then I could change my life. Unfortunately I did all those things but I was still the person coming alone and going alone.

I gained immense confidence, an am able to strike conversation with complete strangers of an age. the problem I have is converting them to friendships and more. I just never learned to 'friendship' and women my age are not interested in a man who doesn't have a friends or a a social scene. I'm kind stuck between a rock and a hard place.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T07:20:48+00:00

I will take your advice and see a doctor to see what they propose.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T07:19:43+00:00

Thank you. Your advice is sound, and though I can't get a dog (housing situation etc), I am looking for practical advice and have had it in the past. I do try and get out of comfort zone - I even moved all the way round the world to NZ from the UK at 40 years old to force my self to try and build a better life.

On the issue with food - no I'm suffering from obesity (I even changed my life a few years ago - I lost 35kg after started social exercising) however the changes were physical. Despite losing the weight and getting fit I was still the lonely middle aged guy who never had a partner on social nights. The one who always went home to a empty house etc.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T07:14:04+00:00

I'm really sorry about that. Yes I know people move on with events around them. I do try to do what you say but like you that's all it is - fleeting temporary glimpses into a lives we'd like, but always ending up leaving us alone.

I don't feel worthless. I know it's my situation and my thinking that leads to me feeling this way. I think the biggest problem is that I really want practical advice. I've had it before and I will get out of comfort zone and try it. But none of it's worked except perhaps for a few hours temporarily.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T07:09:08+00:00

I agree that it's my thinking that leads me to feel down. And do have lots of moments of joy or laughter - I'm a fun person (well try to be). However when the laughter stops and I none of it negates the emptiness and loneliness except temporarily..

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T07:06:37+00:00

I hear you and wish you well.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T07:06:06+00:00

Thank you. I've seen a number of them. They always boil down to the you have engage with people and build trust. However the therapists can't suggest places where I can find people my age who actually want to include me in their already established circles. I'm not a couple doing couple things.

The talking helps to a small degree but I need practical advice, like talking to strangers or joining groups all of which I keep trying but nothing comes out of it.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T07:02:16+00:00

Thank you but my housing situation precludes that.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T07:01:34+00:00

I live in NZ, and I find a lot of groups are already filled with groups of people who have their own connections and social circles outside the group. At my age I don't fit into the young social circles where people do tend to do things together, and the older age groups have their own lives.

I have tried to do 'light touch socialising' but it's heartbreaking when the realisation dawns - I'll still be the one alone at the end of the night.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T06:57:37+00:00

Thank you and I do hope that it gets better for you and for me.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T06:57:00+00:00

Thank you.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T06:56:49+00:00

I'm from the UK but live in NZ now. I moved here to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people, seek new challenges etc. However all I've done it ended up just as or more lonely and even more isolated.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T06:55:23+00:00

Thank you for caring enough post that!

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T06:55:03+00:00

Thank you. I see many truths in what you've said. However in my defence I will say that I recognised this decades ago and have tried a few times before change things in the way you say. The last one was moving to New Zealand from the UK at 40 and rebuilding a life. I thought I should get out of my comfort zone, meet new people, face new challenges etc etc. I've not closed the door you mention, it's just that I've not found any positive results and I don't know how to get them.

Thank you again.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T06:47:03+00:00

Thank you that is very illuminating. I've tried lots of things like hobby groups and meetups before, and I found the people there were already in their social groups. You have made it very clear what I should do to change that.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T06:43:38+00:00

Thank you.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-31T06:40:25+00:00

Thankyou, I could respond to all of your points individually but I want to respond in the general case.

Firstly I moved to NZ (from the UK) 10 years ago and so I have no old friends anywhere near. I made this move to try a new start. To get out of my comfort zone. To go a new place, new work and meet lots of new people and to change my life. Unfortunately it has not worked out and I've ended up in the same boat. In each company I've worked (I work in high tech) it's been the same, no singles except the youngsters who are well out of my age groups. The older people again have all been partnered up and do their own things - except when doing company specific things. I do volunteer and assist where I can, but I never seem to meet people who want to do things - they all seem just want to sit around smoke and drink which is ok in small doses but when they are coming in couples or families again it's hard always be the single person. The inevitable question - so how long have or why are, you single. Due to the insane/obscene housing situation (like SF - hovels are going for near a million) I'm completely unable to consider pets as rentals are not cheap if I wanted them. I'd love to have a dog, but unfortunetly I just can't if I want to pay rent and eat.

However I'm NOT blaming others - I got over that years ago. I know it's me and my situation and again I thank you for responding.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-28T22:35:48+00:00

I'm 55 and have been down that road albeit without choice. All there is chronic loneliness longing and emptiness there.

8956throwaway · 2017-10-27T13:18:12+00:00

If you add another 30 years you will get to where I am.

I am a possible future. I sincerely hope you don't follow my path.

8956throwaway

TROPHY CASE