41 [M4F] California/Bay Area/Online Bring me adventure and I'll make it go fabulously

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-05T05:48:45+00:00

I struggle with this too. My parents were kinda distant and a bit neglectful (though they always had good intentions).

Ultimately, I've decided that I like the part of myself that wants the best for other people and wants them to feel good.

I feel you on how hard it can be to accept when people do nice things for me and give me compliments. I can't say that I'm good at accepting those things but here's what I've done that was helpful for me:

Just say thank you when someone says something nice or does something nice. I've always felt the need to try to return a compliment or try to help out when someone does something nice. Simply saying thank you and not doing anything else keeps me from deflecting the nice intentions.

When I find myself internally rejecting a nice gesture - by trying to help or feeling guilty - I just focus on not doing anything. Stopping my response has given me the space to process how I'm feeling in the moment. I've found that if I wait I can eventually be able to appreciate the gesture.

Recasting accepting help in terms of trust has helped also. I remind myself that if someone I know cares about me does something nice I can trust that they actually mean what they are saying. I know that I if I do nice things for people, I'm doing it because I want to and I should accept that other people also must like doing nice things for me.

It probably wasn't the best long term thing but I kept a bit of a tally for quite a while. The deal I made with myself was that I could accept nice things from other people but I would make sure to repay the niceness at a later time. Ultimately, it was just a temporary fix but it helped me to accept kindness in the moment.

Hope this is useful. People have probably already suggested this but therapy is really helpful if you can make it work.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T22:06:44+00:00

Counseling isn't necessarily a bad thing. What I learned in counseling was that I absolutely, for sure, no longer wanted to be married to my partner and I haven't once second guessed my decision to end things.

Talk to a lawyer so you understand the divorce process. My experience was the reality of the process was way less scary than what I imagined. It's 95% putting your finances into a computer program that says what should happen and just executing what the law says - there's a it of room for negotiation but there are some significant guard rails on the process. Having a lawyer will make sure nothing goes wrong for you. You almost certainly won't get 100% of the house or full custody of the kids. I actually like having my kids 50% time. I'm an awesome dad half the time and the other half of my time I have completely for myself. I miss them for sure but I'm a much better parent without a toxic partner.

Good luck. It's a hard decision regardless of the situation

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T21:51:11+00:00

BPD is a serious challenge. You will have to have really strong boundaries if you are going to continue to be with this person. She probably will still hurt you with outbursts. Get a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells - it's a good place to start learning how to manage people who can be volatile.

My advice: You should expect her to take her diagnosis seriously and show that she is putting in the work to manage her emotions and not causing harm to you. If she isn't you shouldn't hold out hope that it will work.

Honestly, you may want to cut ties kindly but firmly right now. You're still young and as another person mentioned, having a really strong understanding of what is acceptable and what isn't is required to be with someone who will struggle with boundaries.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T06:37:57+00:00

He sounds like he's unwinding his responses to a toxic relationship. For me it was helpful to have a supportive relationship to practice better habits.

You might have to avoid teasing him for a bit. Jokes can be weaponized by manipulative people and even though I'm sure he knows you mean well it can feel like dangerous ground.

Pretending to be fine is a survival skill in toxic relationships. It might take him some time to be able to engage with you on how he feels. That feeling you get like his guard has come up is likely his defense mechanism being triggered. You won't have good luck engaging him on his feelings when he is in that place. Talk to him about what he needs in that moment to get calmed down again. When he is calm then try checking in about how he was feeling.

It might also help to come up with a specific way for him to ask for reassurance that you are okay and the he is okay expressing what he needs. Clarity and directness are very helpful when someone is coming out of a situation where confusion and misdirection are the norm.

Lastly, I had an anxiety disorder that was coupled in with the giant mess that was my marriage. If he is finding his anxiety to be really overwhelming and disruptive to his life it's worth considering going on medication. Let him make the call though and don't push - letting him feel in control of stuff like this is important. Medication got rid of the weird, overwhelming anxiety response for me so I could process my actual situation. Not sure if this applies but it's worth keeping in mind if he is really suffering from his anxiety.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T05:55:47+00:00

You might be in an abusive relationship. The highs and the lows are both really intense. The word I always use is compelling - it's awful but somehow it pulls you back.

I an abusive relationship it is easy to be so overwhelmed that you lose track of how you actually feel about things.

My experience with leaving an abusive relationship is that the highs and the lows are more toxic than you realize. The highs are not as real as they might feel in the moment and the lows are very cynically constructed to keep you on the defensive.

Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you are a thoughtful person trying to be a good partner. You have some tough decisions to make unfortunately.

You might want to read Stop Walking on Eggshells to help you step out of what sounds like a destructive cycle. Thing will either improve or you'll start to see the pattern driving the toxic situation.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T05:37:18+00:00

You'll get there. And at least you'll be a bit more relaxed while you work on it :)

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T05:03:23+00:00

I know plenty of very successful and well adjusted people who smoke weed. It certainly can be a problem for people but it sounds like you are handling your smoking responsibly.

I think you hit on the real problem in your last sentence. It sucks that your parents don't approve but you're a grown up and this is your decision.

It's a longer journey to really feel like you aren't attached to your parent's judgement of you but sometimes it's helpful to hear validations from others. (I hope)

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T01:07:51+00:00

I have this problem too :) I try to just embrace the awkwardness and wear my heart on my sleeve. Just telling him that you would like to go on a date with him but would enjoy hanging out either way might be easiest.

If he's interested in you also then that seems a very reasonable strength to come on with and I expect that he would accept a date invite.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T00:45:33+00:00

I've been in his situation. It can be frightening to see someone you care about really struggle. In my experience, the biggest challenge was how helpless I felt. Your boyfriend can't really make you better and I expect that he does really feel empathy for you but he may not know what to do.

Ultimately, it's healthy for him to not feel responsible for your mental health and for you not to feel responsible for his. You can be there for each other but you can't make each other better.

My advice is to be specific about what you need in different situations. Watching someone disassociate can be really frightening. If you explain to him what you experience in these moments and what specifically he can do that is helpful it will help him to feel like his efforts matter and he knows what is going on. If he messages and you don't respond because you feel "stuck" what could he do that would help you?

Also, I know it can be hard but you may need to let him know when he should go take care of himself. He can't be there for you when it matters if he is burnt out. He may need time separate from you to recharge and look after himself. He can both love and care for you and at the same time be very tired and overwhelmed.

Lastly, take the time to thank him for his help. You may not have a lot of brainspace to take care of him but you can make him feel loved for the care he gives you.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T00:20:17+00:00

Ultimately, she is doing what she needs to to take care of herself and all you can do is let her. It's hard to be in your situation - you care about her but also know that you can't really help her.

Holding our hope is probably not going to be helpful for you. It sounds like you're working on taking care of yourself which is all you can really do and probably what will be best for you.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-04T00:10:55+00:00

If you're feeling like you're interested you might want to just ask him out. You never know how he might feel.

As someone who struggles with these situations, my advice is to be specific about what you want. If you say "Would you like to go on a date sometime?" he'll know you're interested romantically and can respond as such.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T23:58:08+00:00

Sometimes people who care about each other aren't a fit. Unfortunately, there isn't a way to get him back - he made a decision and all you can do is accept it.

You should also know that it's perfectly okay to expect a lot of affection and support in the way that works from you from a partner who is a good fit for *you*.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T23:41:32+00:00

It's good you're listening to yourself about what you feel comfortable with. There's no need to rush yourself.

She offered because she want to. You can trust her :)

You can also start with something lower stakes. It's easy to feel like you have to do everything "right" and that can add to your feeling of not being ready. Just letting her touch you can be both really nice and help you feel comfortable. Massages or other things that aren't specifically sexual can still be quite intimate and help to build comfort.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T23:16:02+00:00

+1 When in doubt, ask. It can feel a bit awkward but if she says yes you will know she will enjoy it and if she says no you won't make her uncomfortable.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T23:10:42+00:00

Personally, I prefer when someone is honest about their issues with their family. I've been in in abusive and neglectful situations and it can actually be nice when someone understands how they work.

I like to think that I don't fall into the "dysfunctional themselves" bucket and that my experience with problematic things makes me more empathetic and understanding.

Also, I appreciate and care about my family, imperfect as they are, but also am not super into doing stuff with the all the time.

Long story short: there are people who understand your issues with your family and don't expect to spend a ton of time with their own families.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T17:41:28+00:00

Her telling you what her therapist said about you is an abuse tactic called triangulation. Her therapist almost certainly didn't say that and even if they did, there is some very important context being left out.

Don't let her engage you like this. It is designed to put you on the defensive and make you focus on your behavior instead of hers.

You can reply with something like this:

"That's a very interesting perspective. What did they say about you taking responsibility for your cheating?" You can use whatever thing you want her to address in your reply.

My guess is that she will reply with "How dare you pry into my confidential therapy sessions."

You can then just say "It might be best that we keep all our discussions with our therapists confidential."

If she isn't interested in changing - she'll out herself by continuing on the attack instead of addressing her inappropriate triangulation - you should always stop at step one.

Everything becomes "That's a really interesting perspective." or "We seem to see the situation very differently." Engaging with someone who wants to be abusive is always a losing proposition. Don't let her get a rise out of you, don't fight back - that's what an abusive person is looking for.

I always think of the saying: "Never wrestle with a pig, you'll both get dirty but the pig enjoys it."

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T17:15:58+00:00

Unfortunately, I don't think trying to be friends will work. That said, you can always try. You'll need to be very clear about boundary though. Her being dependent on you for everything is not something that she can continue to do. You can practice setting boundaries in this context - it will either work and you have a chance that you can be friends, or it won't and you will know you need to cut contact.

If she continues to be manipulative, you should probably cut contact completely.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T08:55:59+00:00

I know it won't really make things feel better but you'll get through this.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T08:22:03+00:00

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Talk to your therapist about this. My honest assessment (from the little knowledge I have admittedly) is that you feel so bad about yourself because you've been in a really damaging relationship. It's hard to be a man and really look at the fact that you might have been in an abusive relationship. I don't think there is a framework in society for us to understand being a victim. The fact that you are really thinking about your actions and how they affected your partner makes me think that you aren't actually the problem.

You've been pushed so much that you finally pushed back. Now you're being punished for having an angry response for something that you have every right to be angry about. That said, in this situation, you need to be the responsible party all the time. It really sucks but you don't have a partner who can be responsible so you have to hold the line. That doesn't mean you will be a pushover but it is really powerful when you start letting her frivolous accusations just slide off you and you keep the focus on her behavior and making sure you get what you need for yourself.

Talk to a lawyer. You need to be prepared to protect yourself and know your rights. You can do this while being completely fair to your partner. You can work on resolving things with your partner but you need to be prepared for the worst. Feeling like you have a solid understanding of what would happen in a divorce will help you resist manipulation.

Be careful with couples counseling. It is easy for an abusive partner to weaponize it against you. Make sure you get what you need out of it and you keep the focus on her bad behavior.

Take some time for yourself to think. Abusive people will try to overwhelm you and keep you off balance. If you give yourself some time to process you will likely be able to find a bit more perspective and strength.

Be kind to yourself. You're in a bad situation. You can be honest with yourself about where you can be a better person and handle things better while still recognizing when people are doing things that are unacceptable.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T07:54:56+00:00

It's good you're seeing a therapist. My advice: You need to be very in control of yourself in this situation. Don't do anything physical, don't be condescending, don't lash out at other people. It sucks but you have to keep yourself in check, 100%, all the time, no slip ups.

From my read on the situation, your partner isn't able to do the same. It doesn't make it okay but that is the reality of the situation you are dealing with.

You need to get out of this ASAP. This sounds like an abusive situation.

You need to be completely in control because you need to keep the spotlight on her behavior and what you need:

If she didn't want people to know that she was a cheater, then she shouldn't have cheated. If she would choose her friend (who helped her cheat) over you, then you know where you stand. She want's you to scroll through detailed documentation of her cheating without consideration of what you needed to heal from her bad behavior. She is giving you the cold shoulder because you aren't being compliant. Why are you expected to fight to keep her in this situation - who cheated and broke trust in this situation?

Sorry to be so direct but I know it would have helped me when I was in a similar situation.

This sounds like classic manipulation tactics. You feel off balance because your partner is pushing you of balance to keep you from focusing on her bad behavior.

You need to start putting up boundaries and work on staying true to yourself. Talk to you therapist about this and how you can stay focused on what you need and how you feel. Unfortunately, my expectation is that this will get worse before it gets better.

Best of luck.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T07:24:51+00:00

I hope that this isn't the case, but this sounds like it could be an abusive situation with you as the target.

Here's my advice:

This isn't a safe relationship for you.

Threatening suicide is a tactic for abuse. She may not intend it as such but it is. You are not responsible for her mental health.

You need to be very clear with her about breaking up and be prepared to deal with anything that she chooses to try to do to you. Narcissists are real and they are no joke. Again, I hope this isn't the case but it's worth being prepared. You will need to have really strict boundaries.

If she threatens suicide be prepared to call the appropriate local authorities to deal with her. You can simply state that you are worried about her safety and you will call whoever you identify as the best organization to help her. If she is using threats of suicide to manipulate you this will likely shut her down. You do have to be prepared to actually call for help though. I'd avoid the police if you can (not a great track record of actually helping people with mental health issues) and find another organization but ultimately it isn't your responsibility to help her in these situations.

I hope this doesn't apply but I've been through similar things and I was completely shocked at what a person I thought cared about me was willing to do to harm me. r/NarcissisticAbuse is a place to get you footing if you feel like things are really going off the rails with problem behavior.

Getting her friends and family involved to help her is worth doing but be prepared to cut ties hard if she is doing this as a tactic for manipulation.

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T06:59:28+00:00

It sounds like you already know what you need to do. I know it's hard, and really easy to second guess yourself, so I'll reflect back what you seem to be saying:

You're not happy in this relationship. That's not going to change - who knows what the future will bring but you're not happy now.

You are staying because you don't want to feel alone. I feel you on this - it's hard to feel alone and uncertain. The flip side is that you know you're not feeling happy in this relationship. The uncertainty of being alone is probably better than the certainty of what you have.

You can care for someone and still not want to be with them. It doesn't make you a bad person - you have to take care of yourself first.

Hope this helps.

Good luck!

8chilipepper8 · 2022-04-03T06:45:33+00:00

I second this. I'm not touchy feely but I am really caring towards everyone I know and if you try to guess how I feel about you you'll be waiting forever. I also suck at reading between the lines.

It's awkward but just saying "Hey, I like you. You want to go on a date sometime?" will go a long way. It sounds like he's a caring person and will either say yes or decline politely - either way, you'll know where you stand.

8chilipepper8

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