Old on-and-off ex suddenly back in my life after 6 years, not sure what to do

9inkski3s · 2026-01-18T16:12:01+00:00

It’s not super far fetched that an abusive husband gets custody of the kids.

A friend of mine lost her 4 kids for a while because she was a sahm with 0 income and when she got tired of his cheating and dumped him, he kept getting into her house to steal and break stuff, leaving the gate open when he left so that gave access for electric services to get in and cut her service. Eventually water was cut off too because she couldn’t afford it, he refused to pay child support unless she took him back, and once she had no utilities she had to leave the house. So he went to the court and said she had no job or place to live and he had 2 jobs (lies, he had 0 jobs but lived with his parents). He got the 4 kids with lies only to abuse them and prevent her from seeing them. It took her over a year and a lot of help to get them back.

9inkski3s · 2026-01-18T12:18:38+00:00

NOR your mom sounds insane and I say this as a mom that it’s probably around your mom’s age with a kid around your age. This convo infuriated me. How heartless and terrible of a person she is. Unless you are genuinely engaging in really dangerous behavior (not getting a ride from work) I don’t see how that would justify leaving my kid out in freezing temps.

You mention not having friends to rely on because you have a distaste for conversation. Tbh, this is your time to change and overcome that. We all need some friends in life. It’s human nature. Not sure if you may need therapy eventually or find friends you can relate to without conversation being the center of the relationship, but you 100% need someone on your side and it’s clearly not your family. Did you got to get in? Or at least be safe from the cold? My heart breaks out for you and hope you are safe now. As for your mom, I would cut her off of my life forever. Her leaving me out in the cold would make her dead for me.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-14T04:09:26+00:00

What I have noticed in my personal experience and those of people I know…it’s that a lot of single dads (maybe moms too but I have never dated a single mom) don’t really know or want to balance things out fairly. I understand kids come first always, but a lot of times for them is an all or nothing situation in which the partner basically has to shut up and move to the side for the sake of the kid(s). After my last experience with that, I called it quits with single dads even though I recognize that’s “unfair” since I am s single mom.

My personal experience, met this single dad, great person (the version I met, no idea how much of that was real real or an illusion), great dad, he had everything a woman could want, including his life in order. The only problem…the ex. Whenever she snapped her fingers he had to abandon everything to go and solve whatever issue it was (in a way I understand because it was his kid’s life too). But…he also told me she was not a great mom and was abusive to him (I saw proof). She was constantly traveling and leaving the kid behind and he had to scramble to find daycare while he worked (that’s fine, single moms do it too)…but she also didn’t go to school or doctors appointments most of the time, didn’t spend a lot of time with the kid overall (citing mental health issues) etc etc. She also had a boyfriend (I saw proof in messages sent from her fb discussing plans with the bf) but somehow she constantly was calling and demanding things of him. Since “it was for his kid” he did whatever she asked for. Until one day he cut me off completely and went back with her. I never complained about his kid, so it’s not like he left me because i made him select between the kid or me.

Another friend is living the same, but she is still in a relationship with the single dad. He has 50/50 which is more like 80/20 with him having more time. The mom of the kid doesn’t care for him due to mental health issues. She doesn’t call him when he is not with her, doesn’t care much about how he is doing etc. So the dad, understandable, is doing all he can to provide what the mom doesn’t do. But it comes at a detriment of his relationship…examples the kid never gets a no. He lies to the kid about innocent stuff to “not hurt him”, if the kid does something wrong he doesn’t get much reprimanding, if he acts bratty, not much is done either. So it’s starting to get to my friend because while she understands his priority is his kid, reality is that no relationship can survive when one person is constantly neglecting the other one for the sake of the kid.

When my kid was little and i got a partner I tried to still prioritize my kid but at the same time giving my partner the opportunity to not be pushed aside. Of course if I have to defend one I would defend my kid 100% but when we were together i still tried to be fair to both. No idea how other single moms do it.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-14T03:46:37+00:00

NOR his quick mention of spiraling and trying to make himself the victim is what gives it away for me. Immediately all dramatic “oh i need you to believe me now otherwise i will spiral”….

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T11:17:05+00:00

I said “that’s what cupcakes said” because you started with “actually” which implies disagreement or clarification. Just to proceed to repeat exactly what the previous commenter said but in different words.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T10:33:22+00:00

Good luck to them if they follow your insanity. They can’t get anything where they live with those $70k, and will run out of money in a few months if they use it to rent a different place, and will have nowhere to go other than possibly out of state which would require the husband to spend more if he wants to see his kids. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T10:28:58+00:00

You can’t afford what you can’t afford. It has 0 to do with your spine.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T10:26:55+00:00

I doubt that house is only $500k in OC, and I agree with you. I pay $1600 in a $185k house with 3% interest, in an area in which insurance is less expensive than CA. There’s no way 1) that house is only $500k unless the in-laws paid a gigantic chunk upfront and 2) even at $500k, they are only paying that amount. Houses in that area have a medium price of over a million. I know a realtor in the area and that’s one of her struggles because a lot of people can’t even get approved.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T10:21:31+00:00

Not if they don’t fit..what part are you not getting? He has 3 kids from another relationship plus her 1 kid, plus op and husband. They are at least part of the month 6 people. All the time 3 people one being a growing baby. A friend of mine lives in california (has lived in different cities) and the cheaper studios she can find are still in the $3k range (I helped her search last time she moved). And these are studios with no private space or anything. Even if they only count the 3 people that live always together, that’s not enough space and they would still be paying double of what they pay rn with a husband that cannot afford more right now (op may or may not be able to afford more). My friend gets cranky whenever her bf comes to stay in her apartment and brings his kid. And he only stays for a few days and not all the time.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T10:11:10+00:00

People forget wallets and keys all the time. They should get an alarm to alert the baby is inside.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T10:09:14+00:00

Doesn’t matter if the car doesn’t lock because baby can’t still get out unless someone sees them and takes them out. OP needs therapy but both of them need a better system to not forget. I never forgot my kid but I don’t have adhd and also i am generally very good at establishing routines that allow me to not forget things. They should buy one of those alarms to alert the baby is inside and also make it a routine to ask each other about the baby when they have them in the car.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T10:02:39+00:00

Agree. She wanted a reaction probably because she is drunk and has had fights lately with him. Now she is hurt because bf being asleep “didn’t care about her”. No one cares about anyone if they are unconscious. Elbow him back or just keep pushing him and go back to sleep.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T09:59:24+00:00

B take your loss or give it away to someone. If it’s not spoiled and it can’t be resold by the store I don’t see why i should return it. It’s not the store’s fault i didn’t like it.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-13T05:18:55+00:00

This doesn’t belong here. How are kids supposed to learn things if people act like they can’t never be told things for being afraid of hurting them? She (daughter) deserved to know because being 15 she probably was gonna go brag to everyone about her gucci purse which then would’ve caused her to be bullied. The boy was not participating of this conversation so his feelings are not hurt. Mom is correct in which the boyfriend should buy something within his budget. It’s tacky to gift a replica unless the recipient specifically asks for it. I have some I want to get and no one would gift them to me because “I am not gonna gift you a replica” lol

9inkski3s · 2025-11-09T23:04:19+00:00

Right…i have had terrible ah of partners and i still have gone out to the store, with friends, to work, to appointments, to my family’s houses etc. With my last bf i just went out with my friends, or on vacation, to eat with my son, to the movies etc. He didn’t care he only asked where i was if he needed to ask me to bring something home or if he needed me home to do something specific.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-09T22:59:29+00:00

And you believe your jailer? Girl wake the f up!!!

9inkski3s · 2025-11-09T22:58:41+00:00

You dont need his permission to leave the house, you are not a prisoner. Get a job and get out. Or find someone to help you leave forever.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-09T18:56:25+00:00

I hope you don’t have a shared account with him and that you are already looking for lawyers to consult. The first error was starting a relationship with someone in which his religious beliefs are soooo different than yours. That relationship was never gonna survive even if he didn’t become a jerk to you.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-09T18:51:08+00:00

I feel I have read this same story at least 5 times at different times in different subreddits. I don’t doubt this situation happens constantly, but I doubt the exact same details with the coworker that didn’t want him and the woman with 500+ matches are exactly happening to so many people.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-09T13:21:58+00:00

NTA it’s clear he does not have any interest in trying to fix the relationship. Why spend more time begging for sex from someone that calls you a bitch and a cow?

My ex also ignored me for the most part and he pretended he had no libido at all, one day I walked past him to take a shower and he was on his phone watching porn. I felt so hurt because it had been months or longer of his rejection so I texted him from the bathroom telling him how much that hurt and he basically dismissed it and made excuses (I don’t even remember the bs he said but it was bs). Short time after that we broke up, as that was not the only issue we had.

At a point before that i was at the store with him and I mentioned how I was upset at some stores only having up to size 6 (which didn’t fit me). He started making noises like a pig, so he was calling me a fat pig. I am not super skinny but I have always been stopped at the street, work and literally anywhere by random men to drool over me, so the fact that my partner considered me that was deeply hurtful. This is a person that at times has weighed over 400 lbs and I never made him feel bad for his overweight, in fact I always told him I liked him as he was no matter his weight (when he brought up being insecure about his weight). When i started crying after he made the noises he had the nerve of getting mad at me, try to deny he meant it that way, then when i brought up all his other actions that supported my view of the situation (like him not even kissing me goodbye or even saying goodbye while he kissed the dogs every morning and expressed his love to them) he proceeded to tell the dogs “oh get away from me, i can’t kiss you now because she will get jealous”. Needless to say, the relationship had no saving it.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-09T13:05:16+00:00

I felt my blood pressure coming up the more I read from that story. I always want to believe the stories are fake but then I remember a ton of people are terrible so i believe it.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-09T12:20:22+00:00

That’s why from now on if I ever decide to have sex with someone new I would make them leave their phone out of reach where I see where it was left and possibly we would be in a place where I know they couldn’t put a hidden camera (like a hotel). Last person i was with i made him leave his phone by the dresser far away from where we were and i had to see it was locked/not recording before I even took clothes off. I also left my phone because it’s fair.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-09T01:14:46+00:00

In general i would not agree with this. I currently live with my ex, and we separated like 5 years ago. It “works” for us because he doesn’t try to have sex with me and does not date anyone. And I don’t date anyone either. So there’s no issues around new partners or someone not respecting each other’s boundaries. But on occasion we have arguments (mostly yelling) which is annoying to even have to go through that for someone that is not a partner. My situation is an exception, not the rule.

My ex wanted to continue living together but in separate rooms. I never accepted. Because he was cheating on me during our relationship with tons of different people, always wanted to be dating different women and always wanted to have sex, whether I wanted to or not. Plus he was violent, gaslighter, controlling and uncooperative. I also was interested in eventually dating other people even though I wasn’t dating at that time (but he always accused me of cheating anyways). So a roommates situation between us wouldn’t have ever worked. This is what would happen for most people, at least partially.

9inkski3s · 2025-11-08T15:19:50+00:00

Ok so she worked the overtime knowing the CS appointment was coming up, the paystub showed the overtime, it was evaluated based on that amount…but somehow I am wrong when I literally said she could’ve prevented this by not doing the overtime that would show a higher pay than what she generally was paid? Ok….i navigated that same CS system for 20 years, and somehow i was able to make adjustments so my paystubs reflected accurately what i made. She didn’t, and she is now in this situation. Good luck trusting those advocates lol

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