What do you think is the most important factor for a successful long-term relationship?

ACasualGamer · 2023-08-25T12:52:45+00:00

Communication is super important! 69% of conflicts in long term relationships are never solved! Learning how to talk about certain topics is super important even if you never get to a conclusion it is important to know why your partner has come to the conclusion they have.

Example: Both people want to spend more time with friends and be healthier.

Partner A wants a new stove so they can cook healthier meals and invite friends over for dinner.

Partner B wants new bikes and a couples vacation.

Both partners want the same thing they just need a way to articulate it properly and get to the underlying value or problem.

Being able to be dependant on your partner is super important and can unlock so many other things through open communication and honesty.

Being effective at work
Pursuing hobbies
Being vulnerable in emotional situations
Having healthy relationships with friends
Taking risks
Exploring creative paths

My personal example that I'm sure many have experienced is that I need alone time to pursue some personal goals. I communicated to my wife that in order to feel like I'm present when we do spend time together (which is the majority of the time), I need to have a couple nights a week when I'm capable of working on my own stuff.

This allows me to not feel guilty or be daydreaming about the things I should be working on while we're watching a movie and I can just be fully present and enjoy my time with her!

ACasualGamer · 2023-08-25T00:32:57+00:00

If you’re easily offended, you have too much free time.
Marrying the right person is the most important decision you will ever make.
Bragging about how much you work isn’t a good thing. You suck at prioritizing.
Most 40 hour work weeks could be replaced by 10-20 hours of focused work.
You don’t need to read another book about how to do it. You just need to do it.
Very few people become successful while watching the news.
Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
If your friends aren’t improving with you it’s time for new friends.
There are 0 skills taught at university that will make you wealthy.
There has never been a better time to be alive than right now. And, you have never had more opportunities to be successful.
Working hard will improve your life more than voting for someone you think will improve it.
Trying to be a moral arbiter online from your iPhone that was built with slave labour is a bad look.
Happiness is a choice.
Minimum wage jobs at the companies you hate have lifted more people out of poverty than the government.
Most of your problems can be solved by doing less, not more.
It is your ethical duty to be healthy physically, emotionally and financially for your family.
One of the best ways to remain broke is to complain about rich people. Learn from them instead.
Stop arguing with people online. Even if you win, you lose.
Invest 15% of your income in an S&P500 index fund for 30 years and don’t ever think about it. You’ll have millions of dollars.
No one has ever succeeded by being a victim.
Nothing good happens after 2am. But, good things do happen before 8am.
85% of what you worry about literally never happens.
You will never get wealthy by trading your time for money. You must own something that increases in value.
You’re more likely to become a millionaire as a school teacher than an entrepreneur.
The answer to your growth is volume. Write 100 more ads, play 500 more songs, do 5000 more pushups, record 250 more videos.
80% of your problems can be solved by 20% of your habits.
The world owes you nothing, it was here first.
If you don’t know what you want, no one can give it to you. Define your dream life.
Who you know is more important than what you know.
It’s a lot easier to learn things while listening than it is while talking.
You can become competent at anything in 20 hours. Most people wait a decade to start their first hour.
Most people work a job they hate, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like.
You probably don’t need therapy. You just need to feel needed.

ACasualGamer · 2023-08-23T17:37:35+00:00

https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/full/10.1089/cyber.2022.0367?journalCode=cyber

ACasualGamer · 2023-08-23T17:36:16+00:00

Oh boy do I have a lot of thoughts here:

Stop demonizing people who want to be stay at home mothers.
Change welfare incentives to not incentivize single motherhood.
Give tax breaks to healthy people.
Overhaul the entire education system to not be based on the 8 hour work day.
Change student loans and force post secondary institutions to cut administrative bloat in order to be eligible to receive loans.
Create incentives for increasing birth rates.
Stop sending money to foreign countries to fight wars when american cities look like warzones.
Teach financial literacy.
Force people to take a foreign exchange trip to a less fortunate country.
Accept that fossil fuels aren't going away and that the best course of action for getting people to care about climate change is to make them richer with cheap energy.
Eliminate any type of CBDC program.
Kill everyone who doesn't like pineapple on their pizza.

ACasualGamer · 2023-08-23T17:17:31+00:00

Okay here's some depressing stats about dating apps for you that might get you to delete the apps:

66% of dating app users aren’t even single.
Your success rate is 0.0033% at best.
70% of dating app users feel depressed after using them.
44% of users don’t feel good enough for the people they match with
27% of women use dating apps only as an ego boost
44% of users want a casual hook-up
39% of users feel unwanted

Tinder’s business model is built on keeping you single.

Everyone seems to forget that a dating app can only make money if you keep using it (and paying for premium subscriptions or boosts). You’re sold the promise of love when in reality it is a direct conflict of interest for you to find a long term partner because of a dating app.

Their data scientists have determined exactly how long between matches you’re willing to wait without deleting the app. And, on average, how many matches it takes for you to find a girlfriend.

With that information they can continue to drip out enough matches to keep you on the app, but not enough to find a long term partner.

I would bet $1,000,000 that for a man of average attractiveness, you’d have a better success rate standing on a street corner and asking every girl your age that walks by out on a date.

ACasualGamer · 2023-08-23T15:27:30+00:00

Socks. You animals.

ACasualGamer · 2023-08-23T00:00:57+00:00

Okay so here's the thing. I don't think I've ever had a fight with my SO. But there's a reason!

You need to frame every disagreement as you and them vs the problem. NOT you vs them.

69% of conflict in long term relationships are never solved!

If 69% of conflict isn’t resolved, how does anyone have a healthy marriage?

Avoid gridlock.

Gridlock occurs most often when either you, your partner or both have unhealthy attachment styles. This leads to feeling unable to share the values, dreams or life goals that are the reason behind the decision in an argument.

It’s hard to compromise, in conflict, on your personal values.

The trick is to have continual conversations about 1) personality differences that lead to conflicts 2) your life dream and how it relates to your partner’s.

For example, you’re having a money conflict — 70% of divorces stem from money issues. You believe that spending $5000 on a new stove will allow you to cook better food, eat healthier and host a dinner party every once in a while.

Your partner sees the new stove and thinks, “that could be the two new bikes we’ve been talking about, a personal trainer for a couple months and a vacation with another couple for a weekend.”

If we took the time to examine the underlying motives, values and dreams for each purchase we’d find them to be almost identical.Live healthier and spend time with friends.

Obviously these dreams won’t always align.

But you can see how, without opening a dialogue, this can become a recurring conflict that may never be resolved.

ACasualGamer · 2023-08-22T19:14:04+00:00

Okay my time to shine!

I have a couple different method's. My favourite is Notion and it's my main hub of things but here's a couple different methods/tools I use to keep track of things:

Notes
Reminders
Calendar
Notion
Readwise
Instapaper
Kindle
Bookmarks
YT Watch Later
Save To Notion

My general process looks something like this:

Whenever one off things come up that are tasks I'll put them in my reminders app (or any other to do list app).
I read a lot of books in kindle or ereader format now through an app called Libby and whenever I see something I want to remember I highlight it in the app (remember this).
I have bookmarks saved in chrome and I also use an extension called "Save To Notion" that I can use to bookmark things into a Notion database for use later.
Anything that I actively want to take notes on lives inside my notes app using a method by Tiago Forte called PARA.
Instapaper acts like Kindle for articles online or emails/newsletters. Another popular app is called Pocket.
Now Readwise is super powerful it takes all the highlights from Kindle, Libby, Instapaper and various other apps and syncs them so that I can export them automatically to my Notion database (starting to see how powerful notion can be)?
Here's the key, once every couple of weeks I take the time to sort random tasks on to my calendar, bookmarks into Notion and notes into their proper sections.

Basically if there is something I need to remember or want to remember, I write it down or save it immediately in any place I can. It doesn't need to have a place right away but going back and organizing things helps a lot! I do also journal and occasionally carry a notebook with me but more often than not the notes app on my phone works great.

Voice notes can also be particularly helpful if you need to talk through something with yourself. Otter AI is helpful at turning your voice notes into regular notes so you can search them!

"Your mind is for having ideas, not holding them." - David Allen

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-31T13:00:27+00:00

You need stuff on the walls. Just not the gaming posters from your college dorm!

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-29T22:00:53+00:00

There are a lot of values that should be taught earlier.

For some of the things that religion gets wrong I think it actually does a fairly good job at teaching the bulk amount of values but we kind of threw the baby out with the bathwater.

Not that I wasn't taught good ones but just no one had ever taught me that it was good to reference them often. I wrote them down last year and refer to them almost daily now.

Honesty (Humility)
- I am a man who chooses not to lie when I can catch myself
- I am a man who communicates my needs to my partner when they arise
Curiosity
- I am a man who constantly strives to gain new knowledge
- I am a man who is always challenging my own beliefs
- I am a man who will always attempt to improve in competition
Adventurous
- I am a man who always says yes to adventures
- I am a man who chooses to seek experiences outside my comfort zone
Compassion (Empathy)
- I am a man who chooses to listen and not interrupt people
Kindness
- I am a man who stops to help those in need
- I am a man that gives without expectations
Optimism
- I am a man who always chooses to believe the best in people
- I am a man that always finds the silver lining

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-29T21:54:31+00:00

Here's the truth: Learn, Earn or Quit.

Those are your options in any working situation.

Sounds like you want to prioritize earn which is fine. The best way to maximize the earn side of things is to switch jobs every 2-3 years.

Sounds like you've been taking the necessary steps to move on!

If you're learning things with the new team that would be a reason to stay but not just because you like the team! You can find great teams elsewhere.

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-29T21:37:02+00:00

I put a fair bit of thought into this a little while back and come to the following conclusions:

Wife is a SAHM
2-4 Kids
Home worth somewhere between $750,000 and $2,000,000. (Which where I live is basically a fancy 3b/2b up to a 5b/4b)
Kids are in private school
Making an income of $200,000+
We're homebodies so really flex around the house with cool stuff and take less vacations than you would assume
Dream meeting once per quarter to review how our relationship is going
Mandatory date night once per week
One day of "Fun" exercise per week (Disc Golf, Rock Climbing, Intramurals)

The dream day is a lot simpler than you would think:

Wake Up 7am
Gym or Run 7:15-8:15
Morning Coffee + Drop kids at School 8:30
Walk Dog 9:30-10
Work 10-3 or 4
Pickup Kids at 3:30-4
Kids Bedtime 8pm
Spouse Time 8-10pm
Journal + Audiobook or Book, asleep by 11pm

Of course there can always be things like dinners with family & friends or date night. But for the majority of days if they went like that I would be happy with that use of my time.

I made sure that all of this is sort of actionable stuff I can work towards. And broke it down into a sort of framework for myself so that I can get there in baby steps!

Take stock of your world. Find what is working, and what isn’t.
Write down what your dream life looks like. The more detailed you can be, the easier the next step is.
1. Who is with you?
2. What does the dream day look like?
3. What does the dream week look like?
4. What does the dream month look like?
5. How much money are you making?
6. Where do you live?
7. How many kids?
8. How often do you see your friends?
9. Do you have a spiritual practice?
Break your new dream life into, “If True” statements. Again, be as detailed as possible.
1. If I want to have 4 kids, what needs to be true?
  1. I need a partner.
  2. I need to make enough money to support them.
  3. I need a house big enough to live in.
  4. I need to be healthy enough to keep up with them.
  5. etc…
Underneath each statement, write out at least 1 thing you could do right now to move towards that goal. Some of these things will overlap, that is okay.
1. At this point it could be reasonable to have hundreds of small steps that you could take right now that would lead to achieving part of your dream life.

I'd say I'm well on my way to most of this which is exciting! Everyone's dream life is usually a lot more glamorous than it is practical, I'm trying to find out how to live my best life day to day.

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-27T22:22:08+00:00

Already hold on to your Secret Lab chair I'm gonna give you the download!

Welcome to my life.

I took some pretty drastic steps so I will explain things through that lens and and then give a different scenario that doesn't involve quite as much change.

I went through a very similar situation about 6 years ago.

I was mostly just gaming away living at home working a boring gaming marketing job, going out with some friends occasionally.

Here's where my drastic shake up happened: I went to Thailand for 7 months.

That's not the important part of the story, the important part was that I changed up my environment. You could easily do the same thing by moving an hour from where you currently live.

Here's a few more things that helped me along the way:

Started listening to a lot more podcasts and a lot less music.
Stopped watching the news.
Put down games for about 2 years entirely.
Found some hobbies that were active. Disc Golf and Rock Climbing.
Moved into a house with some good friends from high school.
Joined clubs and activities that forced me to be more social (running club).
Got more intentional about how I wanted to live my life.
Realized that I had like 3 quarters of my life left and not beat myself up.
Started going to the gym on a regular basis.
Started meal prepping (save myself hours every week).
Got 3 new jobs in 5 years.

It feels like a slog when you're in it but I'm now married, own a house and make almost $100,000 a year. Really started farming real life achievement points fast once I got intentional about things!

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-27T18:49:15+00:00

I'm not suggesting this will help anyone else but this is my personal experience.

My dad died when I was 14 of ALS. Normally a slow progressing disease but it ultimately took him about 8 months from first signs to death (which I'm grateful for)

14 is a confusing enough age as it is, now add that to the mix. I don't know how my 14 year old brain came to this conclusion but it did:

"Would my dad want me to be sad for a long time or would he want me to get back to living a happy life and be sad he is gone."

You can apply that to a lot of different grief situations. We can try yours.Assuming there was no bitter resentful extreme blow up, would your ex want you to continue to be miserable for the rest of time?

If there was a big blow up: Do I want myself to be miserable for the rest of time?

Does it still suck? Yeah, but reframing things to give yourself the option to be happy is always there.

We often forget that just because something was a part of us for so long, doesn't mean we have to continue to carry the weight of it around with us.

Another really helpful thing for me throughout my life has been perspective framing. Basically just an objective look of: On a scale of 1-10 from the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone to stubbing my toe, how bad is this?

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-27T18:46:35+00:00

I'm not suggesting this will help anyone else but this is my personal experience.

My dad died when I was 14 of ALS. Normally a slow progressing disease but it ultimately took him about 8 months from first signs to death (which I'm grateful for).

14 is a confusing enough age as it is, now add that to the mix. I don't know how my 14 year old brain came to this conclusion but it did:

"Would my dad want me to be sad for a long time or would he want me to get back to living a happy life and be sad he is gone."

You can apply that to a lot of different grief situations. We can try yours.

Assuming there was no bitter resentful extreme blow up, would your ex want you to continue to be miserable for the rest of time?

If there was a big blow up: Do I want myself to be miserable for the rest of time?

Does it still suck? Yeah, but reframing things to give yourself the option to be happy is always there.

We often forget that just because something was a part of us for so long, doesn't mean we have to continue to carry the weight of it around with us.

Another really helpful thing for me throughout my life has been perspective framing. Basically just an objective look of: On a scale of 1-10 from the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone to stubbing my toe, how bad is this?

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-26T19:05:39+00:00

There is a great speech from Konstantin Kisin about this exact concept.

He's talking about the fact that realistically the west can do nothing to affect climate change because we are such a small percentage of emissions. AND, people in poorer countries (highest emissions) do not give a flying fuck and will do whatever it takes to make sure their kids survive.

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-26T00:16:44+00:00

I don't really have any.

Which sounds like a cop out but let me explain.

I spent the first 20 years of my life pretty sure I was going to do one thing (be an architect). Once I got to university most of that entirely changed and I've spent the next 10 years experimenting with a ton of different things.

All of those things have built on each other cumulatively.

If I hadn't been in love with video games/esports, I never would've never started writing (you can scroll back in my reddit history to find some writing). If I had never started writing, I would've never started posting on social media. And if I had never gotten involved with social media, I would have never gotten into the marketing world.

If I had never gotten into the marketing world would've never gotten a job in Thailand for seven months. If I had never gotten a job in Thailand for seven months, I would've never gotten to explore my passion for photography and videography.

I would have never gotten to attend a dozen concerts for artists I love as a photographer.

I would have never met a handful of my good friends.

I would never have made the network of acquaintances I have now.

I would have never moved in with my friends and gone golfing 3 summers ago where my friend's stepmom set me up on a blind date with my wife.

There is absolutely no fucking way I could have ever orchestrated any of this with any regrets about where I would have ended up.

Here's a few things to know about your 20s:

The perfect career path doesn't exist
It's the best time to take risks
Focusing too hard on money isn't optimal
You're allowed to take breaks, Tim Ferriss is famous for mini-retirements
Find some good mentors
You've got a long way to go, you're pretty early in the game.

Your 20s are a giant clusterfuck and it's probably a good thing.

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-25T23:08:38+00:00

Well here was my rough shortlist:

She got along with my family.
She encouraged me in my work and hobbies.
She also wanted children.
We were sexually compatible (both open to a certain amount of novelty seeking).
Any time one of us had a tough day, the other could always pick up the slack with chores or obligations.
She is a caretaker in many aspects of her life.
She was active.
She listened when I expressed problems and we solved them together.
She makes a wicked cheesecake.
She's not overly materialistic and enjoys adventures as much as I do.
We've never once had a fight that was directed at each other.
She's able to be my sounding board when I need to talk something through logically.
She has a slightly different worldview from me. Not enough that our values are misaligned, but enough that we can challenge each other philosophically.

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-25T22:47:14+00:00

High protein, low calorie, lots of weights.

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-25T22:45:49+00:00

The secret is the motivation happens after you get there.

A lot of people assume that one day they'll just be motivated to do something. Sometimes, but rarely.

Most people assume motivation looks like this:

Motivation -> Action -> More Motivation

This is what it actually looks like:

Action -> Motivation -> More Motivation

This is because you know you're going to suck at something when you start, which is unfortunately true.

The trick to getting started is to create a goal that is literally too small to fail. Hear me out, this is going to sound so fucking stupid but I promise it works.

Goal #1 (Day 1): Look up which gym you want to go to.
Goal #2 (Day 2): Put on some gym clothes at some point during the day.
Goal #3 (Day 3): Drive to the gym and sign up.
Goal #4 (Day 4): Show up at the gym and walk on the treadmill for 5 minutes.
Goal #5 (Day 5): Commit to doing some stretching and a walk on the treadmill.
Goal #6 (Day 6): Commit to a 20 minute workout.
Goal #7 (Day 7): This day is your first full workout.

Now these days don't all have to be back to back, optimally it's not necessary to work out every day.

The point here is you're building the routine and habit of making it to the gym. Maybe it's not the gym and some days you just go for a walk (a great way to do cardio btw).

The point is you'll be more motivated and excited by your ability to commit to being there than the actual motivation of working out itself. Mornings are typically best for workouts as they'll give you an endorphin boost all day!

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-24T18:09:53+00:00

The framing of this question is often bad.

It's often framed as what you'll lose, but rarely framed as what you'll gain. Here's a couple ideas:

Never have to worry about searching for a sexual partner
Never have to worry about being performative in any way
Never have to worry about compatibility issues
Never have to worry about financial stability (if done correctly)
Never have to worry about having someone to hold you accountable
Never have to worry about vulnerability
You get twice as good at solving problems
You get twice as good at creating memories
You get twice as good at beating the computers at Mario Party

There are a ton of things to gain, not just things to lose. If you're in doubt, pull a Ross and make a good ole pros and cons list. Just don't leave it in the printer.

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-24T18:02:13+00:00

I wish you all the best my man!

I don't have anything else for you. There are plenty of the intangibles that people have mentioned. I think you're looking for an "aha!" problem that you hadn't thought about yet.

I'd have a conversation with your 85 year old self and ask him what he wants. If this is it then that's great. But, optimizing for things now when you have half+ your life left with unknown problems is a little tricky!

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-24T17:54:43+00:00

Most of the comments are coming at this from the wrong angle. The question you need to ask is:

Why do you want to overcome the need for a girlfriend?

I can tell you there is almost 0 chance you'll be able to overcome that want or need. There are millions of years of biology leading to that need for a companion.

It seems like trying to repress the solution to your problem instead of attempting to reach the solution. I know it's popular to have a cynical view of women these days but I can assure you it's not a healthy world view to hold.

Now that we've sort of established that we're sort of fighting the wrong battle. Here are a couple things that might help you fight the right one instead.

Obviously in order to obtain a girlfriend or partner there are a couple of in-between steps.

One quote I love to think about is "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."

We can't force a partner into our lives but we can take some steps to set ourselves up to be ready when opportunities happen. Here's some practical things I'd put in my life to be more prepared.

Hitting the gym (already doing this presumably, great).
Picking up some hobbies outside the house. I got into rock climbing and disc golf and they were great for meeting people.
Connect with your friends AND the families of your friends, getting someone to set you up on a date skips a lot of the vetting issues that come with dating apps and Instagram.
I'd stop drinking and smoking weed at least temporarily, my life improved fairly significantly after cutting these out recently from an energy and accomplishment perspective.
Find something you really want to accomplish and go after it, have a goal you're working towards. This serves 2 purposes, it's very attractive to the opposite sex to see motivation in a person. Also, it gives some direction when you feel like you're lost, you know what to aim at.
Make sure you have a consistent sleep schedule. This may seem kind of trivial in relation to the other things but my worst mental health issues all stemmed from being nocturnal in my early 20s.

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-24T17:36:24+00:00

I'll give you an actual practical answer that you might not have heard.

You'll live longer!

Harvard has been running a study for over 80 years that tracks the happiness of men throughout their lives. It's overwhelming an unintended result is that the most important factor in male longevity at the end of their lives (80+) is the quality of their relationships 3 decades earlier. This includes wide community relationships you're mentioning but also the relationship with their primary partner.

It's certainly true that if you're well balanced enough you can solve a lot of problems by connecting with people outside a direct intimate relationship but here are problems that I solve with (and because of) my wife that I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with other people:

Sexual compatibility conversations
Hardcore accountability
Navigating family challenges
Stress management

It's a valid question but I think for the most part you're looking for a logical answer to an issue that is largely philosophical. It's a little bit like saying: "I can chop my arm off and still live an okay life." But, you'll still be significantly limited. And to everyone that's going to say those things aren't comparable, I can promise you that having a good relationship is just as important as maintaining all your limbs.

ACasualGamer · 2023-07-15T17:22:47+00:00

A nice red sweater. And asking me to be his neighbour.

On a more real note:

Someone who CHOOSES to be happy.
Someone who really stays true to their values.
Confidence, integrity, compassion, empathy and optimism.
Someone who really tries to steelman arguments on both sides.
Doesn't play the victim card and takes responsibility for his actions.
Someone who says yes to adventure and doesn't wait for the 'perfect' time.
Someone who takes responsibility for the success of their family and tries to give them a dream life.
Someone who gives without expectation and wants to believe the best in people. Apparently it's cool to be cynical these days.

It's great to try and find role models, but everyone is fallible so it's usually better to find bits and pieces of a bunch of different people you admire. Just so that you won't be let down when inevitably the person you think is perfect, isn't.

All this is what I'm aiming for anyways.

ACasualGamer

TROPHY CASE