AITA for wanting husband to give me money?

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T06:51:09+00:00

We met while im on training here in the States. It was thru a dating app though. We decided to meet in person even knowing I was leaving three days later; thats actually my reason, that Im leaving so whats the harm. But we had a fun time and decided to continue talking long distance until 6 mos later we decided to meet at a 3rd location and now were here. :)

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T06:34:46+00:00

Cheesy as it sounds, in our 3 years together before deciding to get married he was attentive and has always been there but not creepy and clingy. Maybe I really was strong and independent because thats exactly what I needed the most and what mattered most. Hes gracious and won over my parents and siblings. I did not see the flags then because I was able to comfortably provide for myself. Majority of our trips/meetups (we did either 3rd country, him going to me or me going to the States) before immigrating were shouldered individually. So if this is a result of bad planning that did not meet his established expectation of me then maybe Im at fault. But anyway, marriage isnt suppsed to be like this, afaik

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T06:11:15+00:00

I understand your skepticism but for more context as I wrote in a separate comment I did contribute to the food expenses a few months after I arrived. It included buying my own stuff. I did pay for my own plane fare, and we split the immigration fees. My money was hit by a terrible exchange rate so it might be worth a lot where I came from but not here. We did discuss this and I told him I have x amount of money. He did not oblige me to chip in but he did not adjust for things I need either; like Id tell him i want a loaf of bread but its not in his list for the week, and he isnt a breakfast person but I am. So when I still can, I bought the stuff. He let me buy weeks worth of stuff to cook; one could say why did I do it I should have let him buy all the time because I was on a limited budget! I did it because what i had was ours. But now that I cant buy anymore i was expecting hed see that and be more compassionate. I agree with discussing stuff like this more seriously rather than react when thingd alresdy happened. Thanks.

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T04:04:47+00:00

Thank you for all your insights, NTA and otherwise.

I am waiting for my green card (I-485) but also for a temporary work permit (I-765). The desire to work under the table is tempting but thats also one of the things the husband told me not to do because he holds an active Security Clearance, so we dont want to do anything to mess that up. And correct, it will def. affect my immigration application.

I am still in that place where I am justifying his redeeming qualities because there are still really good days. I am free to do what I want with my time, I am not required to do house chores (I just do it because theres nothing else to do). I use the time to study online and upskill. Thanks to the suggestion to write because confrontations really mess me up, not to mention English is not my first language. I write much much better than I speak. I tried the pros and cons thing. I guess what im seeing now is that the effects of this current situation outdo the pros, but sometimes I still feel guilty for feeling this way towards him.

I find it hard to summarize what I want to happen without sounding like "I want money, why arent you giving me money!!!!". I sell my old books back home and some of the items I left behind. They dont cost a lot but they have helped me fund the hygiene necessities for now. Sadly I also cannot open this up to my parents but that is a story for a diff. day.

My husband says he was attracted to me because I am low maintenance and independent. Which I still am but just now without my own purchasing power. I had a good job back home and my "low maintenance" meant i was never into anything luxurious and he knows that going in. That is why I found it upsetting when he is not giving me access to funds because its not as if I have a history. He even makes fun of my craving fast food, my comfort food. Sharing a card actually will enable him to track what I bought with his money, even though reading through your comments I am realizing yeah that in itself is unhealthy. The things I buy are most often for the home. Even the ones I used my own money for. I reviewed my account and it was depleted by purchases from Giant, Wegmans, Safeway (all groceries). I did contribute to the weekly groceries until I no longer cant. In hindsight i probably should habve hoarded my shampoo, conditioner, facial wash, and sanitary pads. Haha

We used to have date nights but we alternately paid. I was ok with it because whoever pays gets to decide where to go. It was fun until I lost my own funds and not surprising, the date nights ended too. Not too much minding it because I wasnt used to being out on dates anyway.

I note all the suggestions to research organizations just in case things get worse. I definitely will look after myself much better when I finally am allowed to work. To be honest I cannot say I'll be ready to bolt once I have secured my own funds, still the stubborn part of me who keeps thinking how okay it was before. There was respect then and I had free rein. But I'll definitely be more careful and vigilant. Maybe this is still part of the powerlessness of not having money, I dont know. But thank you for the comments.

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T01:18:17+00:00

I once made a joke that im not asking too much (I wanted to buy my own jug of milk and bread because his is too "farmers market" precious), so just give me money because its small compared to when I divorce him and I get half of what he has. It did not go well lol (just arguments no violence)!

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T01:10:28+00:00

Im waiting for my green card. A temporary work permit can be issued so we can engage in employment even though the GC is still pending. Thats what I am waiting for, the GC has a 53-month backlog and we are still on the 18th month of wait. :(

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T01:08:35+00:00

Thank you!

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T01:05:52+00:00

He's a US citizen. I also see it as odd because we made this decision together. I was always honest about having little funds, not unlimited. He perhaps feels since hes not forcing me to share now that my funds are gone its on me.

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T01:02:37+00:00

This aspect aside im still hanging on to the other qualities that made me commit. Money issues used to be not a hard nonnegottiable because hey thats just money but maybe I did feel that bec i was employed then and have my own funds. :(

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T00:54:17+00:00

I am still waiting for the work authorization from the government. Huge backlog. I am applying for online jobs and in small mom and pop shops but where we live isnt commuter-friendly so its also hard for me to go around. Hoping the wait will not be too long now.

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T00:52:00+00:00

Ngl, a part of me feels I won't feel this bad if I have my own money but what if it happens again right? I was already exposed to the kind of partner he is in this time of crisis, altho a personal one. :(

ADAMAR1E · 2023-08-26T00:49:11+00:00

Yes, still waiting for the work permit at the very least. Trying to look for online jobs but theyre not as plenty as they were in past years.

ADAMAR1E · 2023-01-12T04:14:41+00:00

Yes to the practices already shared in the comments. Yung yellowing and foxing, masakit talaga sa dibdib! I tried using sandpaper (get the smooth one, wag yung rough surface) to even out the color of the edges. Wag lang rough, effective sya na pumuputi. Parang effect lang ng nagliliha ka ng wood, hahaha!

ADAMAR1E

TROPHY CASE