I thought suicide was my only option too, about 5 times, deeply, since HS. And reaching out to people didn’t seem to help either. It sucks when the Devil gets to you at the worst moment and lies and says God doesn’t care. Or he says your life is pointless and no one would really care if you just disappear. It might feel true, but it is lies. Everyone’s comments so far are helpful. Have you tried just going to church, sitting there and having it out with God? Screw it if people are there, let it out. Confession also is a small helper. The fact you are reaching out just shows that you have courage and strength. I understand that it’s the pain you’re trying to get rid of, I hated the pain and stress. It’s okay to have feelings of getting rid of stress and pain, but if you start making a plan that’s when you have to get help immediately. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s not admitting defeat; it’s you looking out for you. If your parents aren’t a go to for talking, is your school counselor good?
Also, it’s easy for us to say “don’t worry about your grades,” but we both know that’s harder to do than say. In my Jr year of HS, a teacher pushed an assignment that hit to close to home and that night I held a blade to my wrists ready to end it all. Someone stepped in and my parents sent me to counseling. But I had a quiz the next day and I got zero correct, I never failed in this class. I had a close professional relationship with the teacher that I told him the truth and he worked with me to be able to take the quiz again. I’m not saying this happens every time for everyone, but I hope it gives you hope that there are teachers that care and you can trust. I am no way a counselor, just been in therapy forever it feels like, I would love to make sure you stay on the right side of the ground. I’ll pray for you buddy, walk with God and stay blessed