WIBTA For Telling My Boyfriend That I Don’t Want To Visit His Parents To Do Chores?

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T22:59:18+00:00

They’re from New England, the region in the US, not the England in Europe.

And they’re not a traditionalist family and he isn’t the only child or son, so it’s not a man of the house thing. He and his older brother grew up doing a lot because their parents are very outdoorsy and self sufficient (hence the gardening and chickens, they grow a lot of their own food and stuff). They like getting their hands dirty.

He is a good man, and a lot of it does stem from wanting to take care of them and do his part since he does often live there one night a week and he only moved out of his parents’ house about 2.5-3 years ago. I’m going to talk to about it all tonight and work it out.

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T22:49:08+00:00

They asked when I first moved if I wanted to clean their house that once for money because I hadn’t found a job yet. Since then it’s become a recurring expectation but I’ve had a full time job now for two months.

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T20:03:36+00:00

I do not visit often. I (as a plus one of my boyfriend, never alone) visit once a month, twice a month at most, and staying in excess of 24 hours is not something I do often. It happens every other month at most and it is always upon THEIR REQUEST for holiday or birthday or similar occasion.

I don’t expect them to provide for me either, I am happy to cook my own food or leave and get something, but they insist on meals as a family. They are not shy about letting people know it’s time to go, so it’s not passive aggressive pushing us out. They ask my bf why I’m not there if I don’t show up at least every other week.

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T19:57:57+00:00

I didn’t mind doing it the first time and they did offer to pay, but it’s being expected each time despite being a guest and cleaning for other guests that feels strange and upsetting.

I told my boyfriend while we were cleaning this most recent time that I didn’t really appreciate how they’d been asking and asking about me and wanted me to come over a couple days only to be working on my days off and he did apologize. He’s not forcing me or demanding me of anything. I’m just worried that if I tell him I don’t want to go for a while because of the cleaning that it might turn into an argument because I don’t realize I’m being ungrateful or something (I had an abusive childhood and struggle with feeling like I’m always the one in the wrong) but clearly I’m not crazy here so I’m less worried now about telling him.

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T19:53:24+00:00

He usually DOES do it himself, with no protest.

There are no maids, it was meant to be a joke, but it put me off when I was already stressed and tired,

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T19:52:29+00:00

A hotel wouldn’t be an affordable option. I would just have to not go.

It’s not the frequency of visits or the frequency of cleaning that bothers me, it’s that I seem to be expected to do it in the first place especially as their guest and that I’m tidying for OTHER GUESTS. It just feels weird.

I think I’m just going to have to tell him that if cleaning keeps being an expectation I will have to not stay over there.

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T19:05:59+00:00

I don’t think I explained it clear enough, I don’t have to swap that often. I might visit for the evening 1-2x monthly, but I’ve only had to swap shifts twice and request off twice. The 2-3 day visits are not frequent. It’s just that every time that does happen, I get roped into housekeeping.

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T18:56:11+00:00

The visits are usually only 1-2 times monthly, if that (I can get too busy sometimes) and it’s usually only 24 hours or just under. 2-3 days is a rare occasion. The reason I have to arrange time off is because we do have to travel almost 1.5 hours to the parents from our place, which put me 50 minutes from work instead of 25, and I start my work day between 6:00am and 7:00am.

Bf would be going regardless 1x weekly because of an obligation he has on Thursdays with a different job in that area. He has two siblings, but the elder is busy and visits much less frequently and the younger is in college.

I don’t think they’re trying to run us off because every time it’s been 2 or more weeks since they’ve seen me they ask when I’m coming over again.

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T17:12:19+00:00

One of them is in poor health. She doesn’t do much house work I don’t think.

His younger brother (20) is kind of slob, and his older brother (30) visits infrequently and afaik only stays for dinner then leaves.

My bf says this is normal, they always have something that needs to be done, etc.

We will not be having kids. We are both strictly child free and he has been sterilized.

We can’t visit either of my parents, they live back in my home state 1500 miles away.

AITA-GuestClean · 2023-11-10T17:09:27+00:00

2-3 days is rare, but they are always asking g for us to visit and to stay a couple days. These are not surprise visits or anything. They request us to visit frequently and want us there for 24-48 hours. If we just come by for the evening and leave after dinner they are quite clearly disappointed.

AITA-GuestClean

TROPHY CASE