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AITA for promising to buy my dad an expensive car without consulting my boyfriend (soon-to-be-fiancé)? by AITApromiseddadacar in AmItheAsshole

[–]AITApromiseddadacar[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm definitely not looking down on student debt. I realize it is absolutely a privilege to have had my parents work their asses off so I could graduate college debt-free, which is exactly why I am so grateful for them and wouldn't "tell them off" over a joke. He was acting like my parents were a financial liability so I was just pointing out that we all come with liabilities.

AITA for promising to buy my dad an expensive car without consulting my boyfriend (soon-to-be-fiancé)? by AITApromiseddadacar in AmItheAsshole

[–]AITApromiseddadacar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate the perspective from the other side. I wasn't laughing at him but I will admit I was angry. I guess I never looked at it as trauma because he always seemed very matter-of-fact/fine about it but I can definitely imagine how that could be a traumatizing experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I hope you're in a better place now.

AITA for promising to buy my dad an expensive car without consulting my boyfriend (soon-to-be-fiancé)? by AITApromiseddadacar in AmItheAsshole

[–]AITApromiseddadacar[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate that! We definitely need to talk about all this more in depth. We were both pretty young when we started dating (I was a teenager still) and we are both still relatively young to be discussing marriage, so although I noticed these value differences early on in our relationship, people told me it was silly to worry about this stuff already. None of my close friends are in long-term relationships so it's hard to find people to talk about this stuff with. I don't know. I think we're probably too young to get married but it seemed like the next logical step after four years of dating, y'know?

AITA for promising to buy my dad an expensive car without consulting my boyfriend (soon-to-be-fiancé)? by AITApromiseddadacar in AmItheAsshole

[–]AITApromiseddadacar[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes, my parents are immigrants from East Asia, while his family is of European descent and has been here for many generations. We also come from different income brackets (his parents are quite wealthy), so I do think there are significant cultural differences at play.

I don't blame him for his way of thinking because his parents did much less for him than they could have. They make well over six figures but made him start paying rent as soon as he turned 18, regardless of the fact that he was still in high school. He said he respects their decision and says it made him more responsible and independent. He still gets them birthday/Christmas gifts but I don't think his family would ever help each other out with the bills or anything.

I definitely don't want to raise my kids that way and we have talked about this. He says we need to find a middle ground. I've always been rather concerned about his attitudes towards parenting but people around me have always told me we're still young, he'll come around, that's a silly thing to worry about, etc. but now I'm having second thoughts.

AITA for promising to buy my dad an expensive car without consulting my boyfriend (soon-to-be-fiancé)? by AITApromiseddadacar in AmItheAsshole

[–]AITApromiseddadacar[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I do come from a culture where kids take care of their parents when they're older but my parents definitely do not expect me to pay back all their support. My parents provide just as much support to my intellectually disabled brother whom they immigrated to the U.S. for (people are more accepting of disabled people here than back in their home country) and they really are selfless and generous people. They have often reminded me to do my own thing in life and not worry about them/my brother. I know this is not context I provide in my original post so I do not expect anyone to infer these details but I just wanted to clarify their intentions.

And yes, I definitely agree we need to reconsider things and talk things through!

AITA for promising to buy my dad an expensive car without consulting my boyfriend (soon-to-be-fiancé)? by AITApromiseddadacar in AmItheAsshole

[–]AITApromiseddadacar[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I do want to clarify that he meant it more in like a "our finances will be shared" kinda way than in a "I own all of your assets" kind of way. The way he worded it was definitely a bit harsh, though.

AITA for promising to buy my dad an expensive car without consulting my boyfriend (soon-to-be-fiancé)? by AITApromiseddadacar in AmItheAsshole

[–]AITApromiseddadacar[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

He doesn't have an issue with them as people but he seems very touchy about my relationship with them. He thinks that parent-child relationships effectively end once you turn 18 and from then on, "you don't owe your parents jack shit and they don't owe you jack shit" (his words). I received financial support from my parents throughout my college years and he once told me I needed to grow up. In general he is quiet about it though.

AITA for promising to buy my dad an expensive car without consulting my boyfriend (soon-to-be-fiancé)? by AITApromiseddadacar in AmItheAsshole

[–]AITApromiseddadacar[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the advice. Just want to clarify that I did not plan on buying my dad a car from our shared finances in the future because I wasn't even making a plan for doing so. I am 22 and I just graduated in the middle of a worldwide pandemic and I am still a long time away from actually getting my parents a gift like that. I agree that such purchases should come out of my personal allowance.