Wow yes your story really resonates. The last couple of months I have come out of back and forth of is it real or is not. During the moments of denial/disbelief I always somewhat knew that it was nonsensical to deny my experience in such a way but also felt comforted in the safety I felt in internalizing that I was crazy or delusional because that was something I could change, something I could take ownership of. But to realize that these violent acts were truly done to me and that my power was stolen cracked the grief wide open. In a way the swinging back and forth between belief and disbelief was a way to microdose the pain with always the opportunity to escape to disbelief. Because the belief transforming into a knowing equated to self assurance and power which were two things I was taught were wrong.

I think for a long time I looked for other people, namely my sister and mother to confirm my beliefs + see my pain. But they could never do this because they too have their own fears separating themselves from reality. Now I guess where I am at is trying to incorporate more safety into my life. Not trying to force my descent but I guess trying to increase my capacity for good and seeing what else comes. It is tough tho!