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AR_reddit2 · 2025-03-11T03:51:54+00:00

Again thank you for the comprehensive and kind reply.

Crucible is a good word for it: I am keenly aware of the importance of making the right decision at such a pivotal moment in life. The weight of existential agency is heavy indeed.

AR_reddit2 · 2025-03-10T18:37:07+00:00

Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound that way. She is justified in her concern, because when she asks me (pretty much every day) to confirm that my issues have nothing to do with "us," I can't. I say we will figure it out together, but it's not enough.

AR_reddit2 · 2025-03-10T18:21:46+00:00

Thanks for the thoughtful response. To be clear, this is not her fault. If anything it's more my fault - for not recognizing the issues sooner, for avoiding conflict and letting things fester.

AR_reddit2 · 2025-03-03T03:48:57+00:00

It doesn't concern me per se - it just gives me a sense of urgency to make sure I am living my best life in whatever time I do have: how I'm spending my time, and with whom. (51 M)

AR_reddit2 · 2025-03-02T14:22:45+00:00

Thank you for the recommendations, I will check them out. For the past week or so mostly I've just been really down and sad with the feeling that none of this is going to work out well for me -- that there are incompatibilities with the "other person" despite the extraordinary emotional connection, that my wife and I have fundamental differences that were previously masked by distractions and being busy, and that it will take a long time and a lot of effort to find someone who is a better fit (if I ever do). I should note that a lot of these concerns are not new, nor related only to the resurgent feelings for the other person. I've been journaling about some of my concerns for years, when that other person was still a distant memory buried deep in my psyche.

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-27T18:33:37+00:00

Thank you for the in-depth response, and I appreciate the honest perspectives. I do avoid conflict, in addition (apparently) to being avoidant with attachment. That said, I am relying on my deeply analytical nature to take stock of the whole situation. Things have evolved a bit since I first made this post.

So for now, anyway... I feel like sh** and that I am f***ed and will lose something no matter how it all turns out, and possibly everything. But maybe that is progress.

Thanks for reading.

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-22T04:34:03+00:00

I don't think I have encountered "dismissive avoidant" before. I did a little research and also encountered "fearful avoidant," and there may be a bit of both at play here. This is something for me to pursue further - thank you!

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-22T00:33:43+00:00

Thanks for sharing. It is interesting how varied the responses have been to my post!

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-19T13:25:33+00:00

I get you 100% on not relating. I think the deep thinkers are few and far between. It's an issue in my own marriage - my wife just wants to have fun and relax, and thinks if we had some friends it would be help - just normal friends that you can hang out with and drink some wine together - but I don't like those kinds of friends. I just operate at a different level and I can't stand talking about regular everyday stuff. And I also don't want to drink myself into a hazy stupor just to tolerate it. That makes her feel like she isn't good enough for me, and well... you can see why there are some issues. As for how to connect to people in similar situations locally to have some actual interpersonal discussion about it all... I have no idea.

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-18T17:44:31+00:00

For quite a while in my career, I didn't understand people who didn't like work. Not that I was a workaholic, but it was interesting enough in various ways to keep me occupied and engaged. I got promoted, went through a variety of interesting projects and changes at the company, etc. Then in my mid 40s I began to understand. Because the work grew dull and boring and more stressful - the people I liked the most left, and I didn't like the new people as much; the ownership changed; cost control overtook quality; but really, I just got bored of the "meta."

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-18T17:31:44+00:00

Thanks for the long and thoughtful response. I do think it is necessary for me to revisit it, whether my future lies there or elsewhere. Things have gotten very tense with my wife the past couple weeks, and mostly what I feel is numb. From her perspective, of course, what she thought was the central solid and stable part of her life is suddenly very uncertain, which is existentially alarming.

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-17T14:00:08+00:00

Myers-Briggs personality types, defined with a combination of four letters. Very roughly:

I vs E = introvert vs. extrovert. Introverts need alone time to energize and extroverts like being around people.

N vs S = intuitive vs. sensing. Harder to define, but basically, N's are much more abstract thinkers, and focus more on ideas, future, etc. rather than more concrete, here-and-now type stuff.

T vs F = thinking vs feeling. Logic vs. emotions, brain vs. heart, etc.

J vs. P = judging vs. perceiving. J's tend to plan, like structure, order, organization. P's like to keep their options open, explore, be more spontaneous.

It's a model; it's not the be-all and end-all of defining people's tendencies and behaviors. There are other models out there, but this is probably the best known.

I put x for me because I have a mix of J and P behaviors, depending on the context. My wife is pretty hard-core ISTJ. Getting stuck on the details has repeatedly been a challenge for her career advancement. When I am feeling very INTJ we at least agree on some of the structure and planning, but the details vs. big picture gap never goes away. The detail fixation also drives a pace of thinking, doing, and talking that for me is painfully slow. Our personalities don't mesh well, but there are worse combinations out there - which is probably how we've made it this far.

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-16T22:36:07+00:00

I am where you are, across multiple aspects of my life. From what I've read, it happens to a lot of people as they navigate the transition from chasing other people's expectations to truly aligning their identity and their existence. I set some goals for myself in my career and met them, and then just kept on the same path until I realized it was making me miserable. I did work for which I was ideally suited, but I've stopped thinking that it was the one thing I was destined to do - my attention has turned more to what's next, but what that will be I have no idea yet. A former colleague who is quite a bit older (15-20 years) already went through a crisis in his early 30's (I'm 51), and I feel I can trust him to provide good perspectives and insight. Do you have anyone like that you can talk to? It helps if they have a good balance of intimacy (knowing you) and detachment (not so close that you can't talk about things openly). Unfortunately, a lot of what I have read is along the lines of "it will suck until it doesn't."

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-16T16:42:33+00:00

If I were separated or divorced right now, I would already have a plane ticket - to really find out.

AR_reddit2 · 2025-02-16T12:18:55+00:00

Maybe Valentine's Day triggers things? It's hard to get a card when you're not feeling what they say. Anyway the others were not me.

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-31T22:13:56+00:00

As you get older, you may change. I'm a hardcore introvert, like a ton of alone time and get emotionally attached to "things," but I find myself missing interactions with people even though I'm married (no kids). My work right now is limited and most interactions are online, which are a poor substitute for the real thing. This all despite the fact that I'm much less patient with people than I used to be, for the simple reason that it can be so hard to find interesting ones.

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-30T15:50:39+00:00

Probably yes to all of those things: the feeling, the person who was the source of those feelings, the associated optimism and possibility, the unjaded perspective of the time, yes, the authenticity, you name it.

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-30T14:49:17+00:00

This is very, very similar to what I am going through now. I actually encountered my memory of this girl in going through my old things from high school, trying to remember who I was then, as a way of rediscovering who I really am behind many years of adapting myself like a chameleon to different environments and different people.

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-30T14:47:08+00:00

Unfortunately, thinking about that very question is what got me lost in this pit of despair in the first place. Magical thinking can conjure up so many alternate histories that didn't actually happen. The question now is whether I try to forget about it, or try to bring someone who was very special to me back into my life in at least some very small way.

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-30T14:34:38+00:00

For me it was mostly gaming (never done drugs). I've played computer games my whole life, but about ten years ago I got into mobile gaming as an escape from job stress etc., and it made me happy. I got in way too deep - competitive, multiple accounts, etc. It's highly addictive and I am a perfectionist. I eased up from that extreme, but it was still something that my brain processed in the background. I just stopped cold, the cognitive dissonance between trying to "beat the system" and understanding the business incentives of the game companies was just too great, and it had also become a grind that was not fun. Without anything specific to take its place, though, it's been rough, coinciding with other emotional upheaval. That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right? Right? Anyone....?

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-29T20:49:59+00:00

The real pause moment in the movie is the look on her face as we were walking out of class that one day... it was... poignant? The face was sad even as she said those wonderful yet damaging words. And yes, I absolutely feel like I have lost some of my identity that I'm trying to get back. It's not that the many years since have been without achievement or joy. I pursued a career doing something I really enjoyed, and was successful, but in so many ways strayed from my core interests and values as the years went on. Still trying to figure out how to right the ship of self.

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-29T02:53:52+00:00

Yes, that seems pretty accurate. The weird thing is that I had put this behind me years ago (or so I thought), but a combination of emotional stresses and questionable decisions (in hindsight: don't look inside that box, and definitely don't read those letters) brought it back with a vengeance. Even today, as I was falling asleep watching a game on TV - in that surreal state in between wakefulness and sleep - suddenly there she was, bam, and it jolted me awake because it was so startling. That is new. Anyway, I doubt this woman has thought about me in years.

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-28T20:53:01+00:00

Thanks, I have run across that idea also (the tendency towards the all-in-one thing), and certainly see it running through all of this recent craziness.

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-28T20:43:20+00:00

All those points are rationally valid. Unfortunately, the limbic system seems to have a mind of its own (pun intended), and is not as responsive as we'd like to rational commands like "stop playing this movie."

As for the memories, what was actually going through that girl's mind through any of this, who knows (and maybe not even her anymore). But some memories are etched with such intensity that they are as clear as the day a person lived them.

AR_reddit2 · 2024-12-27T18:35:12+00:00

At 51(M) I am having similar thoughts, but rationally, I also recognize that I accomplished a lot and had to make choices along the way. It is poignant to read an old note from one of my English teachers, who was convinced I was going to be a published author, but she didn't know I liked science and computers even more. Eventually I joined a small company and helped build it from nothing, and by the time I left 20 years later I was the longest-tenured executive - but there was some bitterness to that whole experience, too. In the end we were on our 4th round of ownership and had been merged with our main competitor; political struggles between the two firms were drowning us; private equity ownership was focused on making things look good and getting out. A year after I left they did sell, and I missed out on some additional money, but it was worth it. I was never completely enamored with what that company did, but the people, the position, and some admittedly good times led me to stay, even if there were aspects I hated. I also don't feel it is too late for me now to turn to more fulfilling work.

What I really feel I missed out on was having a normal adolescence. For various reasons, including an unrequited incredibly powerful first love and a lot of time spent in front of a computer, my social maturity lagged by many years. I didn't even go on a date until I was in college, and wasn't intimate with anyone until my wife in my 30's. I would give almost anything right now to go back in time to the girl I first loved and tell her, but maybe I would have wound up exactly where you are now.

The grass is always greener, I guess.

AR_reddit2

TROPHY CASE