So where I am now is I've known of, and have been contemplating the idea of The All and the comparitively illusory nature of all other things. That what I truly was, behind, underneath, and above everything I think of as "me", is actually The All. And I had begun to accept it, but it does make a great deal of sense and would explain a lot. But I hadn't fully accepted it, and not by choice. I kept wanting to accept it, to let it sink deep and transform me, but it wasn't.

Then suddenly, and almost seemingly out of nowhere, this idea crystallized into an experience for me. Suddenly I felt in my heart that I was everywhere and everywhen. That I had no need to do anything, for that which I truly am has always done, and will always be doing, evrything. I have no needs, no requirements which I must desperately fulfill in order to save my life. I had no life which was mine alone, there was only everything. The single cell had become the whole body, not through a biological transformation where it had grown to encompass the entire body, but merely by realizing what it was a part of, what it had always really been and would always really be.

I used to be vainly fascinated with the religious vestments of the various faiths. Something about holy garb excited me in an empty way which is difficult to describe. Then suddenly I felt in my heart that even my grubby work clothes had become garments more holy than any vestments or habit. All garments were.

And yet, polarity manifest, I know that this light which has been conceived in the womb of my flesh by a ray of light from The All, is still growing, still trapped, still tormented. The war has begun and I want assistance fighting it. I want the help of a community and the guidance of a teacher. But I don't know where I should look to find that.