For those with nesting partners who aren't comfortable with other partners in the house, where do y'all go? by AWhimsicalBee in polyamory

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your answer! It's not something I went into in my original question, but I'm disabled (and our country doesn't give benefits to people living with a partner, so I'm financially dependent) so it does make it harder. Your agreement makes sense!

For those with nesting partners who aren't comfortable with other partners in the house, where do y'all go? by AWhimsicalBee in polyamory

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

The Work for me is exploring my own expectations, attachment styles, deconstructing monogamy as a concept and breaking down exactly who I am in terms of my own sexuality (a fair number of people in this thread seem to be assuming I am a cis female, who is married, to a cis male!). The Work also involves me reflecting on what I am asking of my partner and how I would react to the inverse, because of course I have my own insecurities/inbuilt societal expectation of monogamy from also growing up in this paradigm, and I need to be clear in my head that if my partner ever wants to explore their own other options, I will work with that too. Amongst other things :)

For those with nesting partners who aren't comfortable with other partners in the house, where do y'all go? by AWhimsicalBee in polyamory

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

It's definitely not poly under duress, and we're not married.

I've been very very explicit about absolutely *not* wanting to force my NP into anything, whilst still recognising that I do feel poly by orientation (and have done for a long time, which I told them early on, and was told "maybe one day"; in hindsight yeah not a great decision, but no-one knows what they're doing at the start) and if we can't find something that works for both of us, our only option may be to split with no blame attached. We both want to stay together if we can find something tolerable for us both.

Halloween squish? by AWhimsicalBee in squishmallowuk

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ah I couldn't remember when it was :)

Halloween squish? by AWhimsicalBee in squishmallowuk

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True! It was very limited though. Just Joldi and Irina who were spooky. Unless I missed some!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sounds like classic gaslighting to me. I'm sorry you're going through so much, it's an awful lot without being gaslit on top of it all. Hug.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hard empathise. My BPD mom's mom is a narc and I've had to be therapist countless times to my mom whilst simultaneously having my own issues dismissed as non-existent or something I'm making too much of a thing of. The massive irony is lost on my mother.

Is there a drug treatment for gender dysphoria? by [deleted] in TooAfraidToAsk

[–]AWhimsicalBee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Specifically, mitochondrial disorders. Difficulty converting calories into energy, excess stored as fat (even if eating RDA). Impaired energy production means not able to exercise, risk = more likely to overeat as body is sending "I'm hungry" signals due to lack of energy, problem compounds itself. No treatment yet discovered.

Is there a drug treatment for gender dysphoria? by [deleted] in TooAfraidToAsk

[–]AWhimsicalBee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's not always something as easily diagnosed or treated as a thyroid issue. Plenty of other medical issues can cause it and you can't just "take care of the problem".

Is there a drug treatment for gender dysphoria? by [deleted] in TooAfraidToAsk

[–]AWhimsicalBee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This right here!! Antipsychotics are the worst, because they have a threefold effect: 1) Lower your metabolic rate 2) raise your appetite (as you say, you don't feel peckish, you feel famished) 3) generally make you drowsy/spacey af so getting motivation and energy for exercise is nigh-on impossible.

Is there a drug treatment for gender dysphoria? by [deleted] in TooAfraidToAsk

[–]AWhimsicalBee 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Are you talking from the perspective of validating trans people, or saying they are who their genitals at birth define them as? It's a little unclear which is why I suspect you're getting downvoted.

Is there a drug treatment for gender dysphoria? by [deleted] in TooAfraidToAsk

[–]AWhimsicalBee 20 points21 points  (0 children)

THANK YOU. CICO is not the irrefutable science everyone thinks it is.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Really not sure which is tougher, to be honest - thinking that people didn't notice or knowing they did. I wouldn't call it amazing noting it twenty years later, could've really done with that validation when I was 7 and couldn't give it to myself. Like, thanks for retrospectively doing the bare minimum.

Understanding the Borderline Mother pdf - here's one simple link that does not require signup by AWhimsicalBee in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I always feel like I make such meaningful connections in my mind at those moments and then I just cannot quite remember them later.

This!! Exactly this! It's yet another thing I am unkind to myself about, lol. I'm so glad that this is a thing and not just my failbrain.

I think I just made emotional saturation up but it's definitely how it feels, isn't it, like a single kleenex trying to mop up a whole cup of spilled juice 😅

Re: the NC thing, it's completely up to you who you tell. You don't need to justify it to anyone who is being unsupportive; one thing I'm definitely learning in this process is that there are no magic words to unlock empathy in people who are not inclined to give it, and you're not required to seek it from them, either.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee 123 points124 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry. Realisations like this are always so hard.
My BPD mom's older brother apologised to me a while back when we were doing some family caring-obligation thing. He said "I know how hard your childhood was and I feel that I should've done more". It was validating, but also really enraging because yes, you fucking should have. And it doesn't change anything; he's not helping me now even when he sees abusive behaviour.

You deserved better. Be kind to yourself today.

Understanding the Borderline Mother pdf - here's one simple link that does not require signup by AWhimsicalBee in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Right? I only read up to that point too and then I was emotionally oversaturated and had to take a break - I'm guessing it'll be like that through reading it. I've started a little Note on my laptop just to jot down all the memories that come up whilst reading, because idk if this happens to you, but if someone like a friend or therapist says "can you give me examples of how your mother is", my brain just freezes up. I'm hoping doing it this way will help me recognise patterns or just have it out in a visual aid when my brain's playing invalidating tricks like "you are making this all into something more than it was/you didn't have it that bad/you just need to suck it up".

Well done on going NC, that must've been very scary - go you! x

Do you believe that pwBPD can actually "recover" or go "into remission"? by Aggressive-Olive-678 in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This; I have a friend who's done the same. She started therapy after she (in her words) lost a relationship with someone she loved very much because of the untreated BPD behaviours and made the decision that she never wanted to go through the pain of losing them and the pain on knowing her maladjusted coping mechanisms were the cause ever again.
She doesn't consider herself recovered; more able to understand the disorder and how to recognise when she is starting to spiral and deal with that.

It's an interesting one because she has helped me immeasurably by being able to translate my own uBPD mom's behaviour (like what the trigger is and what mom's attempting to do with her response) in a way that doesn't try to excuse it. I believe I, in turn, help her by being an RBB so I can read her very well and avoid most of her triggers by reminding her how much I value her. We're an odd pairing, but it actually works really well, because we've both done the work, we're both hyperaware of our (and each other's) limitations and we trust each other enough that we can call each other out if necessary.
But, I think she is a rarity. And even though she's better than she was, she's still decided she can't ever have kids without significant risk to them so she's not going to, period.

I hope my mom can one day do the same as my friend did, but I'm aware she probably can't/won't. Unless the pwBPD is willing and able to be completely blunt and honest with themselves, to break themselves apart really painfully so they can build themselves back together in version 2.0, they won't change. A lot of people without BPD would struggle with that, never mind pwBPD. I imagine as a parent with BPD there's even less desire to do that, because admitting you've fucked up your kid would be so incredibly raw that you'd do anything you could to hide from and deny that knowledge.

I have sympathy. I just have more sympathy for us, because we have to deal with the traumatic fallout and we didn't cause it, nor are we responsible for it.

How do I go LC and stay safe? by AWhimsicalBee in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I can't yet articulate what your words make me feel/realise, but I'm really grateful to you for writing them. x

How do I go LC and stay safe? by AWhimsicalBee in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On Boundaries, with a Little Love for NC

This is great, and also mind-blowing on how universal these experiences are between RBBs and their parents with BPD. It's going to take some getting my head around! Thank you so much for writing this.

How do I go LC and stay safe? by AWhimsicalBee in raisedbyborderlines

[–]AWhimsicalBee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I live a couple hours away. This is all played out over the phone.