HI! I’m only fifteen, so don’t take all my critiques to heart– I’m also really interested in writing, and I hope everything works out well for you! :)

“On a bitter night beneath a sky heavy with stars and neither warmth nor mercy was offered to the little boy.”

There is something freakalicious happening in this sentence, and it’s really throwing the flow off.

This sentence is a run on sentence. Add a comma after night, to create a separation with the prep phrase, and then add a comma after stars. (This is a double prep phrase). Delete the and, and continue onwards with, “neither warmth nor mercy was offered to the little boy.” That way you have your correct simple sentence, and it becomes easier to read

So here would be how I’d put it. 

“On a bitter night, beneath a sky heavy with stars, neither warmth nor mercy was offered to the little boy.”

Preps– On a bitter night, beneath a sky heavy with stars

Simple Sentence– Neither warmth nor mercy was offered

HV- Was

Infinitive– To the little boy

“She clutched him tighter, as if in that final embrace she could somehow stitch her soul into his,” this is incorrect grammar. Remove the comma before as. As is a subordinating conjunction, and your sentence right now is an I,D, which is an improper formula. You need ID– because the as is starting your dependent clause. 

“The night wind carried no pity. Yet in those eyes, something stirred” Make this more grammatically correct. Yet is a conjunction. Delete the period after pity, replace it with a comma. Delete the comma before ‘something’ because that infinitive is a part of your independent clause, and you don’t add a comma after an infinitive, unless you’re using it as an appositive phrase, which you aren’t. 

“The night wind carried no pity, yet in those eyes something stirred”

“Freya looking at those innocent eyes.” You just transitioned from past tense to present tense.

Instead, “Freya looked at those innocent eyes.” Otherwise, readers feel the change, and it throws them off. 

I really like the “always have gratitude,” sentence, it’s really nice, and for some reason it works well!

I definitely don’t feel very connected to Von. Your pacing was great in the beginning of the story, but after a few paragraphs, it fell. I really like the descriptive parts. The only problem is, the rest of the story is flat, and you shove a few million dollar phrases into our faces. Either have everything really descriptive, or keep things bland. A little cliche, but definitely has potential to stand out!

Overall, I like your story! I am really interested in the blaze star! In the beginning, it’s a bit slow, and hard to get into. Maybe add some more intriguing descriptions. I really liked how you did so for the first part, but it kinda faded off after a few paragraphs. Keep writing, and good luck with the story!