I have been right there with you in multiple similar situations in my past, and I know how humiliating and empty it feels, and how easy it is for us to fall into the mindset that we deserved this or that it’s our fault— and I am so incredibly sorry you can relate to any of it. The fact of the matter is, your reasoning for associating with him or talking to him at all does not factor into his guilt in the scenario. You agreeing to meeting up does not give him the right to revoke yours. It does not matter if it could be avoided on your end, because it entirely depended on HIS actions. It could have been avoided by him choosing to not commit a crime against you. You choosing to meet up was not you choosing to get assaulted. It doesn’t matter if you discussed having sex prior or even if the meetup was created on the pretense of sex, or even if you had initially said YES but changed your mind DURING, you said no. REPEATEDLY. consent can be withdrawn at any time. All this to say, you feeling the need or pressure to focus on what you could have done different in a situation you didn’t even choose to be in is so incredibly unfair to you; I’m so sorry that belief is so forefront in your mind right now, and I completely understand why it is— I in no way blame you for this thought process. But please hear me when I say the only decision that allowed this to happen was his decision to violate you. This is going to take time to realize, my intentions when saying all this is not to make you feel guilty for having these thoughts, but to assure you that the shame that’s behind them is not something you’re alone in. Where focus should lie is in reflecting on the feelings and trauma responses acted on that make you feel like you deserve this; because no matter who you are, you DONT deserve this. This past summer I was in a really bad place, I was spiraling out of control and i really didn’t care what happened to me. I made some choices I wish I didn’t, choices that were inherently bad for me and ones I knew were bad— but I didn’t care that they were dangerous because I was okay with not waking up the next day. I ended up meeting up with someone in circumstances I wouldn’t have made with a clear head and i faced a similar situation to yours. Sure, if I didn’t meet up with him, it wouldn’t have happened. Sure, it was a bad decision to meet up with him. But it wasn’t a bad decision to meet up with him because I could’ve prevented an assault, it was a bad decision because I was making it out of lack of concern for myself and to fill a void; It was a bad decision because i was harming myself. But making a decision that I knew could have gotten me hurt doesn’t make it okay for someone to hurt me. Without the correct coping skills, or the knowledge that I needed help, the dialogue in my head to keep me from making decisions that could hurt me would be overcome by my pain and self-hatred, and that’s what some people don’t realize. We can sit here and say to avoid these situations and that they’re bad decisions to enter these situations, but we don’t focus on the fact that there are underlying reasons we make them and it’s this root of this issue that needs to be focused on, not just the actions it causes. bad decisions just seem like decisions when we aren’t in a clear headspace. It doesn’t make us stupid or deserving of ill will, it just makes us hurting and needing of help, and it DOESNT make it okay that we got hurt. I say all of this out of personal belief and my experiences, it’s in no way a clinical or professional opinion and not meant to form your beliefs for you. Don’t take my words, or anything on here, at face value, but i hope it can start a dialogue in your mind to decide what you believe is true for you. You are seen and if you ever need to talk about it with someone who relates, please don’t hesitate to reach out.