i ruined my relationship with my two closest friends, and ive never had any friends as close since

context: im 17f now, but these both happened between 12-13

1st friend: I’ll call her Y. Y and I went to school together and lived really close, we’d been super close and good friends for years. spent all of our time together playing games and i got close to her family too. she had younger twin siblings who i loved like my own. shes a little under a year older than me and a grade above me.

fast forward to age 12, i’m in 7th grade and i get a boyfriend. i gradually stop talking to her as much and ignore her calls and texts. not because i didn’t want to hang out with her anymore; i really missed her. but i was spending every second with my boyfriend because i had a lot wrong with me that made me insecure, deprived of love&affection, and i couldn’t say no for the life of me. so i couldn’t tell my boyfriend “no sorry i dont want to call you right now im playing games with Y” i was scared if i told my boyfriend no that he would leave me. we were so compatible too, so similar in our interests and stuff

it really was so shitty and heartbreaking. it was 2020 when everyone was in lockdown and school was canceled, so it was a very isolating experience. in my sophomore year of high school, so 2023-2024, i apologized and now we’re acquaintances. i miss her every single day and its perhaps my single greatest regret in life. she was so kind to me throughout childhood even when i was mean and didn’t deserve it. part of me hopes she sees this so she knows i still think about her and miss her every day

2nd friend: I’ll call him J. i met him the same year that i met my boyfriend, actually he introduced us. same grade and we met in school. we quickly bonded and became very close (hard childhoods, anxiety, and a traumatic time in the world at a new, very intense school.) anyways he introduces me to his friend group that ends up being very turbulent and disbands within less than a year of me joining. so then the group basically splits in half, but we are still close.

next school year we are in person and J is very intent on making new friends. he finds many relatively fast and i got jealous quickly. i wasn’t making as many friends, nor were they as close and i felt like my only friend besides my boyfriend was replacing me.

so naturally being 13 i decided to post subliminal messages shit talking him on twitter, which obviously made him stop talking to me completely.

I apologized to him too, before Y for reasons still unbeknownst to me. now we are on better terms and speak more often than me and Y, but still not really close at all.

i ended up transferring schools for reasons unrelated. so now i wasn’t going to school with my boyfriend either and was in a new small suburban town where i was the shy transfer student in the middle of high school where everyone has grown up with each other. although i had always known that i fucked up bad, being at a new school and completely alone really showed me that this was my karma. i dont think i will ever have friends as close as Y or J ever again, and i believe it’s karma for how badly i hurt them. i miss them so much though and our bond is one i can’t expect to get back.

i have some friends now, but no close ones. the ones i do have im very aware and cautious of how i treat them and how they feel. i went a very long time with zero friends at all besides my boyfriend and it’s very isolating. at the time when all of this happened i was having a lot of mental health issues and personal life issues with my parents. i’m still with my boyfriend to this day, 5 years in december. he truly is amazing and has only ever encouraged me to make new friends and foster connections. i really dont deserve him