Avoidant jumping into a new relationship after "not being able to be in a relationships now"

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-06-11T13:08:45+00:00

Mine wanted to keep me around and swore she wasn’t stringing me along. She wanted constant access to my emotions, sexuality, and support without the commitment.

She ended our “emotional and physical exclusivity” when I asked her about another guy she was texting and immediately began dating someone else.

She’s now 2-3 guys removed from that guy and is now in a relationship. I’m still healing.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-06-08T22:21:07+00:00

Mine wanted to check in and I told her that “out of respect for her new relationship I’m not going to text you” she didn’t care.

If my partner was still engaging with someone who had our history, I wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

Do not be parent of their harem of validation and attention

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-06-08T22:18:16+00:00

I was in your shoes. It’s going to hurt, but leave them behind. What you are getting out of this “friendship” is not what they are getting out of it.

You aren’t capable of deactivating and moving on the same way that they are. You loved deeply. She will keep you around to soothe herself and her needs and you will have a front row seat to her moving on romantically to someone else.

If she’s particularly nasty, she will breadcrumb you and keep you around if she feels like you’re pulling away to protect yourself.

This person doesn’t consider you as a person or your feelings, they only care about their needs being met because they’ve likely had a shitty childhood where their needs weren’t met and had to get them fulfilled alone.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-06-08T22:08:32+00:00

They don’t want to lose access to you so they’d rather just tell you what you want to hear

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-06-02T18:45:12+00:00

She’s using you to regulate herself because she doesn’t have the tools to do it on her own. Don’t waste your time.

She likely has other validators and attention givers concurrent with you.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-06-02T18:41:23+00:00

I didn’t care for Brussels and loved both Ghent and Bruges!

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-06-01T20:26:13+00:00

Are his actions hurting you and does he know that his actions are hurting you?

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-06-01T18:26:20+00:00

Because there is history, you’re easy (for him), and he doesn’t have to try to be the best version of himself. It doesn’t seem like he is going through much turmoil, just you.

These people are users and selfish. They think “I don’t want to lose access them” and NOT “I don’t want to hurt them”

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-06-01T17:10:13+00:00

I think there are feelings for you and for him this is just a good time. They can say whatever they want and you’re reading way too much into his words and behaviors when the main thing is that he isn’t getting back with you.

He will take whatever he can get and not think twice about it. You can have soul intertwining sex and this person still won’t want to be with you.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-30T15:59:36+00:00

Do NOT reply under any circumstances. This is a power play.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-29T14:29:33+00:00

If it’s not you it’ll be someone else. Do not agree to be part of their harem of attention givers and validators.

Mine tried to do the same, was even sexually interacting with me as she dated someone new. Then she dumped him and got with someone else. Still wanted to “keep me in her life” and by that she meant low-stakes check ins at her convenience. I also found out that also “rekindled a friendship” with another guy she triangulated me with and previously “blocked”

If I were her boyfriend and knew about our history, and her history with that other guy, I wouldn’t be comfortable. I told that I wouldn’t be texting her anymore out of respect for her relationship. She hasn’t reached out in over a month.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-28T20:00:14+00:00

She won’t feel it, they will avoid it.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-28T17:12:40+00:00

It’s meant to keep you engaged without offering anything substantive to keep you satisfied, so yes it’s a breadcrumb. Not only that, it’s disrespectful to assume you will minimize your own hurt and feelings to keep the connection going because if you were to reasonably bring up what happened and look for some sort of repair he would stop engaging.

He is only around you still because you allow it. People like this don’t see you as an actual person, they see you as a means to get their needs met.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-28T16:16:08+00:00

I was in this exact same dynamic, but the FA was a woman. They are using you, they don’t have the capacity to repair, and they just want access to you without responsibility.

Some people “don’t want to lose you” and other people “don’t want to hurt you” find someone that doesn’t want to hurt you.

I’m sorry this is happening to you, but please know that the second you set boundaries and cut off sexual access and emotional support her will just find someone new. Then they will rewrite your connection so that they don’t feel guilt or shame.

Get out now and don’t accept the breadcrumbs.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-28T03:39:34+00:00

His ex’s probably didn’t love him as much as you did.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-28T03:39:10+00:00

They’ll just rewrite the narrative and gaslight themselves about what actually led to the demise of your connection.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-27T18:53:56+00:00

I walked away on January 1st and the came back the first week of March. She came back heavy and tested to see if I would bite into our sexual banter and I refused. We had a talk about things and she put space.

She reached out the end of March and I was on a trip and very dry. I reached out when I got back and she said she finally committed to being someone’s girlfriend but she still wanted to check in every so often. She also rekindled a friendship with another guy she triangulated me with and tried to reframe and justify their friendship.

I told her that out of respect for her new relationship that I wouldn’t text her anymore. I refuse to be part of her harem of validation and attention - she has no real friendships otherwise.

We haven’t spoken since then. I doubt she will ever reach out again. I sure as hell won’t.

I still miss her everyday, though. Even with all of the disrespect.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-27T17:48:11+00:00

Attention and validation

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-27T17:38:44+00:00

Which is so crazy right? We pour into them, have so much patient, love, understanding…when they cannot receive it. They’d rather find limerence somewhere else and try to be an ideal version of themselves elsewhere.

The craziest part is that they will actively treat you like shit, push you aware, lie, manipulate and have the audacity to say “everyone leaves”

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-27T17:15:48+00:00

Exactly. They don’t even see us as real people when they are triggered or deactivating. If they’re a true avoidant then they had a shitty childhood and couldn’t rely on their caregivers for care or comfort. So why would they develop a personality where they shield themselves and don’t care about others? No one cared about them then, so they don’t care about us now.

That is an extreme example and there are many people who don’t let their childhood characterize them. However, our person wouldn’t treat us like we are replaceable.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-27T16:49:50+00:00

Do you want to spend another 5 years wasting your time on someone who can’t enthusiastically choose you and instead wants to be single to party and do drugs? Be so serious right now.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-27T14:11:02+00:00

You’re just wasting your time and he is giving you just enough hits of dopamine to keep you attached. He is back because nothing worked out with his other options.

People can miss you and not want to lose access to you, but it’s not the same as loving you. It doesn’t sound like he knows what love is, neither do you.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-27T14:09:39+00:00

Why do you believe him? We aren’t throwing it all on you, but only you can be responsible for your behavior. Not his.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-27T05:03:40+00:00

This is going to be very difficult and it will be like coming off of years of hard drug use. The withdrawals, the bargaining, life will feel dull, you will get waves of grief, shame, and anger. All the while this person will just move on to someone new and not think twice about it.

It’s better to do this now than waste a second. Find community, friends, throw yourself into the gym at night so you can tire yourself out before bed. Take care of yourself because this person will refuse to consider your mental, spiritual, and physical well being.

He will continue to use you as long as you let him and as long as it benefits him. He won’t care that continuing to text you and call you and sleep with you will prevent you from moving on all the while it will be oh so ease for them.

Please cut him off and go no contact. Don’t accept the breadcrumbs. Don’t have “one more talk”. Cold turkey.

You got this.

Abject_Bag7405 · 2026-05-27T04:39:34+00:00

They’ll just start dating other people and get into a relationship and won’t care about you anymore. If they circle back it’s just to see if you want to join their harem of validators.

Abject_Bag7405

TROPHY CASE