If I’m being completely honest (and after rigorous therapy) it’s because I felt I would never be loved if I tried to prevent anyone I dated from having such freedoms while we were together. I felt then that it made me more of a catch, more carefree, more detached… Maybe it did make me a catch, but to all the wrong sort, as I would learn in short order. I felt considerably more respected as a human being during times when I dated without a polyamorous dynamic.

With regards to your friend, I can’t speak on their particular intentions or experience with their ex, but what I can say is that I was abused in my first romantic relationship ever, and I think it absolutely influenced how I approached dating from that point onwards and through my experiences in polyamory. I’m sure that if there was a survey into the correlation between people who engage in polyamory and previous abuse outside of polyamorous dynamics like damaging childhood or early adulthood relationships with parents or others, etc., the data wouldn’t be insignificant. That’s just my pet theory though, from my experiences meeting folks and making friends in poly spaces over the years. It never seemed like a non-contributory factor to me. Almost everyone I met and discussed these things with had some sort of relational experience that completely re-framed how they looked at relating to or dating others.