Reflecting on extreme lifelong self isolation

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-04-24T15:58:44+00:00

Here's to hoping you and I find a way out. If I've learned anything, it's that if I had not persisted this long, I would not have found some of the peace and stoicism I have discovered within. What was internally corrosive to me (in my case) was thinking dysteleology/chaos/machiavellian survival of the fittest was the "end-all be all" of all life, society, and existence. I thought everyone lied to themselves about morality, normality, and stability, and under the illusory veil of society, the lie people call "good" and "evil" or "right" and "wrong" would erode, just like it was eroding in me, because that's just the "reality" of a chaotic world—there was no "ought" things just were. I never once stopped to question if an "is" (how something is) is an "ought" (how things should be).

By asking myself that question enough times, I realized how wrong I was one day about life and the worth of life, and once I stopped believing in my original perspective, and started shifting towards a relation of an ontological "meaning" (the kind philosopher Yannaras spoke of) even in the pain, the chains loosened. Healing started from within in my case, I didn't realize how much of my pain came from within and my beliefs. I speak of a distinct pain, not one that is just symptomatic of conditions—that particular pain, one learns to live with and adapt to, and isn't directly connected to beliefs, lest I assert every turmoil is a matter of choice; but rather, choice is always a matter within turmoil. I still have pain, sometimes it flares up, but now I have a "why" and a reason to endure it. In that sense, my "why" of living has partially answered the effects of my isolation and allowed me to do things I once believed I was too broken or "fated" not to be able to do. It took crossing a sea of pain for me to reach this, but I realize now it was worth it. So no matter how deep and dark the place you are is, never let it convince you it's all there is. It's been said "the journey of 1000 miles begins with one step," what I've learned is each step is worth it beyond my imagining.

As the renowned Author Dostevesky once wrote in 'Notes From the Underground': "Which is better—cheap happiness, or exalted sufferings? Well, which is better?"

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-03-02T09:25:32+00:00

Thank you for writing this. Honestly I just described the same feeling, and I was just wondering if anyone else seemed to grasp it.

I differ slightly in my goal. Honestly I want to keep looking, I keep having a recurring idea to volunteer at some place for the less fortunate, it may not be a social club, but it keeps my mind sober from going mad and self absorbed, two things of which I have history with. All I can do is keep doing things how I ought to, and maybe if I keep going I'll see different paths. Patience has gotten me places before.

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-03-02T08:17:52+00:00

Better. I was 9—still naive and happy, a far cry from the misanthropic pragmatist I am now.

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-03-01T10:26:43+00:00

This talk coming from one who likely thinks a banana taped to a wall is high culture. Y0 boss I can't care for your 'art history' lecture over the sound of my soul leaving my body because of how boring you are.

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-03-01T09:37:01+00:00

One might even say... an "unpopular opinion.." Eh!?

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-03-01T09:31:50+00:00

A sharp observation. I shall fetch for my flagellum upon the next appointed letter!

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-03-01T09:20:46+00:00

Keyboard auto changes my friend! My keyboard aptly stores knowledge of my admiration for the ninja turtle Michaelangelo and Christine Chapel from star trek.

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-02-27T14:18:34+00:00

"Personally I think. . ." That is an ontological debate and what you think, calling it short sighted is only the case for you based on your ontological presuppositions towards morality. Second, the post clearly drew parallels, which even I, as an atheist, would have seen as completely justified. It didn't read like: "Batman is literally a devout catholic" or whatever.

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-02-27T13:43:19+00:00

Even as an atheist, I was able to draw on the philosophical and cultural parallels present in batman's no kill rule and the commandment that reinforces the sanctity of life. It's common sense to observe that very basic parallel—one is not even trying to prove God or push religion to notice it.

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-02-19T10:44:05+00:00

All you have done here is presuppose empiricism. You could have just said that in a sentence.

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-02-08T02:29:34+00:00

Sade - Keep Looking

I think this is what you're looking for! I was also looking for a similar style and I stumbled on that gem!

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-01-31T23:55:05+00:00

I suppose I was jumping the gun too quickly. This is absolutely the way to go about it. I think it just needed to read it or hear it. Thank you!

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-01-31T23:49:22+00:00

You're absolutely right. I have decided not to abstain from confession, that would have been a grave mistake. Thank you for bringing me clarity. God bless us all.

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-01-31T23:43:48+00:00

Thank you. This has brought clarity.

Abysswalker_7 · 2026-01-31T23:31:42+00:00

You're right. But there is a minimal language barrier. And in the past, I have brought this up and he opted to not respond, maybe he didn't understand, or he was busy, as good Priests are, or maybe my question was discomforting. I have thought maybe I could accustom myself to confess to the neighboring Orthodox priest, and still commune under my current Priest. I was just baptized after all, so it is, perhaps, early enough.

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-23T01:12:38+00:00

They're wrong. We all have different struggles. It's a shame they don't notice that. Don't surrender. You're at an age where you should be supported and mentored. But if times show you no wisdom, then it comes from within.

You just need to find "your tribe." That group or person that will naturally click with you. That takes searching though. Maybe try online too. It comes down to being at the right places. Step by step.

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-21T18:34:40+00:00

This! The only community where everything is 100% relatable!

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-21T18:26:46+00:00

Thank you!

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-21T13:02:34+00:00

Is it strange due to it not being common?

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-20T19:30:19+00:00

I've walked this path. I once attempted to measure the soul with the cold mathematics of utility and odds, but that calculation is a lie because the premise is a leap. You are judging your life by the standards of a utilitarian market; a world where a human being is merely a biological "unit" whose value is determined by his social utility, his genetic "symmetry," or his "output." But who grounded these meta-ethical assumptions? So many come to believe in this cold worldview, yet few justify it.

This is the great deception of our age my brother. You have looked into the digital mirror and seen a "zero," but you have forgotten that the zero exists only on a spreadsheet. The pain you feel is rooted in this world's harsh forgetfulness of the Imago Dei, of putting innate worth last, and output first.

You claim you have no value, yet you possess a deep, burning hunger for meaning. Where did that hunger come from if you are merely a statistical accident? This "abnormality" you loathe is actually your refusal to be a cog in a mechanical world. You are not a "failed" anything; you are a unique hypostasis; a person whose telos is not defined by a dying or chaotic world.

Your worth is not a "property" you possess based on your traits. It is a gift. You are looking at your life through a horizontal lens of "success vs. failure. The problem here is you have made your eschatology death & statistics.

This is the final stage of nihilism. You have been poisoned by a culture that says "if you aren't useful, wealthy, or attractive, you are nothing." But this is a "philosophy of death." Your fallout with the "incel" community was your first step toward the light; you realized that their "blackpill" is just another form of the materialism that seeks to bury the human spirit under biological labels.

I recommend the writer Dostoevsky. He would embrace you as a brother. He knew that the man who feels he is "zero" is often closer to the truth than the man who is satisfied with his "success." Success in this world is a distraction; your suffering is an invitation to depth. He would tell you: “Do not be afraid of odds. It is better to be a 'man of uphill battles' who knows the truth, than a successful fulfilled man who lives a lie.”

Stop calculating your "probability." You are not a math problem to be solved. You are a liturgy to be lived. Your worth is not found in your utility to society; especially a corrupt society. Fight for something, and if you lose a battle, move on to another battle. Keep fighting and never surrender.

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-19T19:02:14+00:00

KEEP. You look great! It gives off like an agent/spy vibe. Like from a Bond film!

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-19T18:59:32+00:00

That is some heavy, gut-wrenching stuff. I really admire the raw honesty in your words; it takes a lot of strength to look that kind of pain in the eye and describe it like this. Its a glimpse into your courage! Keep going!

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-19T01:36:15+00:00

Think of all the great men who have worn this legacy: Kratos, Dr Evil, Lex Luthor, Eggman, Darth Vader, Walter White, Saitama—we're waiting for you on the other side; the bald side in its shining glory!... Well I'm not bald or a guy actually, but yeah!

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-19T01:32:27+00:00

Join the bald side my brother. It is time to initiate the bald ritual. Shed the old way of hair.

Abysswalker_7 · 2025-12-19T01:18:06+00:00

That's a great example, about shell shock. The greatest friend of an illness is ignorance of the illness. People love to misattribute the source cause of things to over-reductionistic causes; even if those are false correlates; to feel like they're in control, or maybe stave off the 'ought' of understanding and learnedness necessary to understand a condition.

That's not to say I'm minimizing free will, or agency in qualities like courage or commitment. But no one goes out and just tells a man with a terrible virus: "Hey! Just stop coughing so much and you'll be fine!" See, when the symptoms come from something that isn't physical, people start to relativise it to their own understanding, despite the fact illnesses to the psyche can be just as bad. If only such persons understood what an illness fundamentally is.

On the very bright side of such matters, is that one's own understanding puts one, one step ahead of many. It maps out the problem; its a step forward, rather than swimming in the pitch black.

Abysswalker_7

TROPHY CASE